


Like A Stain Upon My Skin

by SillyBlue



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Amazon Dean, Angst, Body Horror, Bottom Castiel, Bottom Castiel/Top Dean Winchester, Case Fic, Creature Dean, Creature Fic, Cults, Discussion of Abortion, Human Castiel, Hurt Dean Winchester, Hurt/Comfort, John and Mary Live, Kid Sam, M/M, Mating Cycles/In Heat, Mpreg, Pregnant Castiel, Top Dean Winchester, Unplanned Pregnancy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-12
Updated: 2016-10-12
Packaged: 2018-08-22 02:20:16
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 61,542
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8268994
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SillyBlue/pseuds/SillyBlue
Summary: “Prudence and Clarity” was Mary Winchester’s credo for staying alive despite a curse flowing through the blood of all the women in her family. Learn how to lie, was the second rule she had to implement when she watched her son grow up within 3 days of being born.Being the only male amazon in the history of their messed up species meant that Dean’s life was dominated by lies, shame and loneliness. After unwittingly saving Castiel Novak from becoming the next human sacrifice to the amazons’ mating cycle, he allowed himself one night where he could pretend that he had a shot at a relationship. But breaking Mary’s first rule not only pulled Castiel back into a world he had escaped from years ago, but also drew the amazons' attention who would love to get their hands on Dean.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This story has been sitting on my computer for a long time and challenging myself to tackle it for DCBB finally gave me a reason to finish it. 
> 
> The amazing art for this fic was done by [Katriina (Fireflynovak)](http://www.fireflynovak.tumblr.com/)! You can find the art masterpost [here](http://www.fireflynovak.tumblr.com/post/151711992118/here-is-the-art-i-did-for-this-years-dcbb-based)!
> 
> Big thanks to [Eve](http://www.archiveofourown.org/users/esmerod) for efficient beta reading and making sure I wasn't being too dramatic with where I took the characters. Also a thanks to [Solus Cheese](http://www.soluscheese.tumblr.com/)for the extensive brainstorming that helped beat this story into shape when I was wondering where the plot was going. And thank you to [ Apocalypsecastiel](http://www.apocalypsecastiel.tumblr.com/) for the cheerleading and the valuable input!
> 
> Extended warnings: Dean has negative feelings and fears about bottoming which will be discussed but not entirely resolved, Castiel almost has a date with a woman which he’s not sexually or romantically interested in, light alcohol consumption, due to the swift aging of amazons Dean’s younger than he looks but his mind grew as swiftly as his body, Dean's injected with some not further described supernatural type of drug to make him disoriented, brainwashing, ritualistic murder (as seen in the show), show-level violence.
> 
> If you have any questions and concerns before reading feel free to send me a message on my [tumblr](http://www.diminuel.tumblr.com).

_ _

_“You’re not going to make it. Eventually, you’ll mess up. All of us mess up one day and that’s when they’ll find us. That’s what will get us killed.”_

Dean Winchester hurried through the rain, the sound of it falling heavily onto his umbrella drowned out most of the city noises. Cars were driving past him, splashing water onto the sidewalks but he paid them no heed.

_“People like **you** are what will get us killed.”_

He grimaced when the wind blew a light spray of rain into his face. The hems of his tailored pants were already starting to soak up the rain and a shiver went up his spine. But it wasn’t cold enough to calm him. He was agitated and annoyed, like he always was when shit like this happened.

He came to a halt at a pedestrian crossing, taking the moment of standstill to brood, when a light caught his eyes. It was the sign of a venue, looking too fancy to be a mere bar. The light switched to green and the other people started moving around Dean. With some delay Dean hurried over the street, but made for the club instead of the road that would lead him to the office. He had promised to check records, but that had to wait. Just a couple of hours.

The bouncer let him in without as much as a glance. The interior was actually nice, low music and dark floors and light walls. Modern and expensive looking with its leather seats and glass chandelier. Dean was almost glad he was on the job as it had him wearing one of his best suits. He put away his umbrella and walked up to the bar, ordering something to drink while checking his reflection in the mirrors framing the alcohol bottles. The wind and the rain hadn’t messed up his hair too badly, neither had his unfortunate encounter with his old ‘friend’. He still looked good.

His eyes swept over the place out of habit, trying to look for potential danger, but this club seemed clean. Lots of men with expensive looking suits and pretentious haircuts chatting to women who looked far out of their league. Probably far out of Dean’s league too but he wasn’t really looking for a hook-up. It was best not to ever look for hook-ups when he was angry and tense. This meant two weeks in which he wanted to crawl out of his skin and no proper way to find release.

His phone vibrated, interrupting his assessment of the people. Dean pulled it out of his suit jacket and checked it.

“Place’s empty. You were right, they’re gone. We’re wrapping this up and then Mom and I are heading back. Are you sure you don’t want me to drive with you? Are you feeling better? You should take it easy. Just get yourself a hotel room and sleep it off.”

Dean sighed in relief and quickly texted back that he was alright. It was only partially a lie. He _was_ alright, but he could feel adrenaline pumping through him. Dean drained the rest of his drink, debating getting another when his eyes caught sight of something that made his whole body feel like it was one fire. Just one spark of flame and Dean forced it back to cinders almost immediately, but his eyes were stuck on the man turning around a beer in his hand, long fingers wrapped around the bottle’s neck. He was alternatively checking his watch and the exit so Dean should just listen to reason and stay away. Go home, shower, sleep it off. It would be over by tomorrow morning. He should not kindle the flames, but then the guy looked up, his eyes meeting Dean’s by chance. This was it.

Dean slipped off the bar stool and crossed the room.

* * *

 

Dean gave a grunt of pain as he was slammed into the wall. It shook with the force and some flakes of plaster rained down from the ceiling. He grabbed for the hands that dug into his shoulders, squeezing the deceptively delicate wrists.

“You have no right to be here!” his assailant hissed, but Dean managed to get his foot pressed to her stomach and he threw her off. Dean knew that he was not gifted with the same amount of strength as she was. If it was a test of brute force he’d quickly run out of steam. He knew that she was not really a fighter though. She shook her shoulders, then flicked her long dark blonde hair out of her face.

“You’ve got no right to stop me!” Dean wiped the back of his hand over the corner of his lips, eyes staring down to see blood smeared over his skin. He huffed and pulled his gun out from where it had been tucked into the back of his pants. He aimed it at the woman, who instantly took a step backwards.

“Oh, I think I do,” he said, forcing a mocking grin onto his face as he slowly got up on his feet. “If you don’t want to die then you should leave, Lydia.”

“Why don’t you just kill me?” she spat, but she too recovered her calm, straightening her clothes and looking at him with a haughty expression. “You could.”

“Don’t tempt me,” Dean replied and put his hand on the trigger. Lydia’s resolve seemed to falter. “Leave,” he growled. Her eyes flashed red, but she didn’t make another move to attack him. Dean didn’t lower his gun, not even when she backed away, towards the other end of the room, eyes resting on Dean. They both knew that Lydia was at a distinct disadvantage now. When she turned around to grab the door Dean called after her: “Use protection!” Lydia looked over her shoulder, her expression scathing.

“Don’t act so superior. You don’t know what the mating urge is like.”

“Oh sweetheart, you have no idea,” Dean replied with a leering grin. Lydia rolled her eyes.

“It’s a pity that you’re such a disappointment. We would have been good together,” she said, but didn’t wait for Dean to come up with a biting answer to slam the door on him. Dean put away his gun and slipped down to the floor. He wiped his palm over his face. His heart was beating furiously and not coming down again.

“Shit,” he hissed and made a grab for his mobile phone.

“Not dead. Lydia’s gone. I’ll text you the address of their hideout, but I’m sure they’re already on the move again. They’ll look for another town,” he texted then he closed his eyes, trying to ignore the pounding of blood in his ears.

When he looked up, seeing his reflection in the broken mirror, his eyes were red, making the iris’s green seem more vibrant than ever.

“Shit,” he cursed again, burying his face into his drawn up knees.

* * *

 

Castiel looked at his watch again, even though he knew that no more than a minute could have passed since the last time he checked it. He sighed, resigning himself to the fact that he had probably been stood up. It wasn’t the first time and it would certainly not be the last, but it still hurt. He felt ridiculous, sitting in this bar instead of at home, editing like he should be, wearing his best suit and drinking this disgusting beer. He looked at the entrance when the door opened but it wasn’t his date. He checked his watch again. It had been an hour and since he had no mobile phone, he couldn’t even ask if anything had happened. Maybe… maybe she would still come. Castiel berated himself for being this gullible and hopeful. He looked up and blinked in surprise when he found himself looking directly into the eyes of a handsome man. He was roughly his own age, maybe a bit younger, wore a pristine suit, even though it seemed to be slightly damp from the rain. And he was looking at Castiel. Castiel wanted to force himself to look away, but he couldn’t do it. Especially not when the man slipped form his bar stool and made his way towards Castiel. He quickly looked down at his hands, wrapped around the bottle, his face heating up.

“Hey,” the stranger said, sitting down opposite Castiel. In the chair that should have been his date’s.

“Hello,” Castiel replied, willing his voice to not show how nervous he was. When the man grinned at him, his green eyes lighting up with the bright smile, Castiel was glad that Lydia hadn’t showed up.

“Is it okay if I sit here?” he asked and Castiel nodded. “You’re waiting for someone?”

“I doubt there’s any point in waiting for people who aren’t going to show up,” Castiel said and Dean clicked his tongue. He looked over his shoulder and lifted his finger to catch a server’s eye.

“Their loss. Can I buy you something?” Castiel didn’t know the proper conduct in situations like these, but he found himself nodding, pointing at a random item on the cocktail list, hoping it would go down with less damage to his taste buds than the beer had. “Good, two of these then,” the guy told the server, handing him the money. He was quick to focus his entire attention on Castiel again and it made him fluster in a good way. “I’m Dean.”

“Castiel,” he replied, reaching out his hand to shake Dean’s. Dean looked at him with amusement and Castiel wondered if you didn’t shake the hand of people that invited you to a drink. But Dean held out his hand to shake Castiel’s in a firm, warm grip.

“So, Castiel, who’s the one I have to thank for the opportunity to drink with you tonight?” he asked and Castiel sighed.

“I don’t really know her. I’ve seen her a couple of times around town and got into a conversation with her yesterday when we met in my preferred tea room. I never thought she was interested in me, but she asked me out and I… well…” Dean lifted his eyebrow, but there was nothing mocking in his expression. “I think dating isn’t a bad thing. I was willing to give it a try and get to know her better.”

“Well, now I’m here. How about we try to get to know each other?” Dean asked, winking. They received their drinks and Castiel had a moment of reprieve that allowed him to figure out what Dean was trying to say. Cleary this was a flirtation, at least Castiel hoped so.

“To be honest, I’m more interested in getting to know you than I was in getting to know her,” Castiel confessed bravely and Dean grinned. “At least the prospect of this night ending in sex doesn’t make me nervous when you’re the one sitting in the chair opposite me.” Dean laughed at that, a hearty, whole body laughter that looked so utterly charming that Castiel almost spilled his drink down his chin.

“I’m glad to hear that. Because I’m most certainly hoping that the night will end favorably for us,” Dean said, raising his glass. “So how about you tell me something about yourself?” Castiel actually always dreaded that part about getting to know new people but he had prepared his introduction sentence a couple of times so he was ready.

“I’m an editor,” he said, knowing well how boring that sounded, “in my free time I write myself, but so far my academic publishing has been more successful than my attempts at prose.”

“And editor? That’s cool,” Dean said with a grin, taking Castiel by surprise. “You get to read all kinds of manuscripts before we normal people do.” Castiel wasn’t sure if he was just humoring him, but he found that he didn’t particularly care, especially not when Dean reached out to put his hand on Castiel’s knee, is fingers tickling upwards. “What are you writing about?”

“Uhm. Mostly urban fantasy,” he replied, “sometimes historical fantasy.” He decided to be a bit bold himself and put his hand on top of Dean’s, pulling it a bit so that Dean had to get closer with his chair. Dean’s finger dug into Castiel’s thigh, massaging slightly, before he slid it down towards the softer flesh of the inside. “What about you?”

“I’m doing all kinds of stuff. Internships mostly because I can’t decide what I want to do,” Dean said, his voice totally casual, even as his hand kept on gently petting Cas. “My dad has his own business that’s doing well, so I’m a bit spoiled.”

“Hmm,” Castiel mumbled, trying to drink his cocktail, even though his hands were starting to shake with excitement. He really wasn’t the type to go to bars and he definitely wasn’t the type to go look for a casual hook up, but something possessed him to lower his eyes at Dean. Dean watched his face intently, licking his lips.

“Should we?” Dean offered, pulling his hand back to drain his cocktail. Castiel took a shaky breath but he nodded, taking Dean’s hand to be pulled to his feet. “Where to, Castiel?” They left the bar, the cold wind and rain a welcome change to the heated atmosphere inside. Dean was warm next to him and he put an arm around him and an umbrella over his head. “Your place?”

“Yes. I live close by,” Castiel offered and they started walking. Castiel dared to look up at Dean, barely believing that he was actually going home with such a handsome man.

“You deserve it,” he thought to himself and reached out boldly to pinch Dean’s ass. Dean retaliated by pulling him close and pressing a kiss into Castiel’s hair, before he placed his palm firmly, possessively on Castiel’s ass.

This was so much better than the date with Lydia would have been, Castiel was sure of it.

* * *

 

Dean was instantly charmed by Castiel’s home, even though he only saw the entrance hall before Castiel was upon him with sinfully hot lips and fingers slipping into his hair. It smelled nice and clean and inviting. He was pulled through the corridor and into a darker, smaller room. He growled impatiently as he was forced to let Castiel go long enough to undress. His arousal spread hotly through Dean, the urge to lay claim on Castiel almost painful. It was familiar though. Dean tended to keep to himself, to suffer through it locked away in a motel room or letting ice cold water run down his heated back. It didn’t feel much like suffering now that Castiel was here, softening the sharp edges of this damned need with hands and lips and his unassuming but comfortable scent.

Castiel didn’t put on a show while undressing, so Dean didn’t either, too eager to feel the other man’s skin against his own. Castiel, completely naked now, raised his eyes, looking at Dean and then smiled shyly. It was beautiful and Dean threw the last resilient remnants of caution to the wind. He had to get his hands on him at once, so they met again, pressing together and kissing before tumbling down onto the soft sheets. When Castiel climbed over him, Dean suppressed flinching away, but some of his sudden tension must have shown anyway, because Castiel straightened, looking down at Dean with a quizzical expression. Dean put both of his hands on Castiel’ ass, earning him a surprised moan, before his fingers slipped down and pressed against Castiel’s hole.

“Can we do it like this?” Dean asked silently and Dean put his hand against Dean’s cheek. The gentle gesture surprised Dean and he instinctively leaned into the warm palm, nuzzling against it.

“I’d love to,” Castiel agreed and pressed down against the ghost of Dean’s touch. “Please.” Somehow Castiel’s unquestioning assent, made Dean feel like he had to explain himself.

“I’m sorry, I just don’t-“ Dean’s mumbling was embarrassing enough, so he was glad when Castiel pressed his mouth against his. Castiel let go of Dean and sat back up straight with a groan. He shifted and Dean hissed when Castiel pressed down on his dick, but then he was gone and Dean felt too hot, his own body too tight. For a split second he feared that something must have shown on his face, but Castiel wasn’t recoiling in horror. He was throwing open the doors to his wardrobe, grabbing a box from the top shelf. Dean didn’t see what he was doing, but when he was sitting in Dean’s lap again he held lube out to Dean like a humble offering. Dean had to laugh, taking it from Castiel’s hands and uncapping it.

“And I thought you’d changed your mind,” Dean said, hoping that the insecurity he felt wasn’t showing in his voice. It wasn’t him being shy that had won himself access to Castiel’s bedroom. He never was shy or insecure with the people he had sex with (at least not visibly. Having sex was always a bit of a risky matter). Why Castiel was any different, Dean didn’t know.

“He isn’t,” Dean told himself. This would be another one-night show of amazing sex and he felt his worries and tension ease away when he rubbed his lube slicked finger against Castiel’s entrance. Every little push and every breathy moan made Dean think just a little bit less. Every mark blooming on Castiel’s skin fueled the rapid heartbeat drowning out all other sounds apart from Castiel’s breathing. The first push into Castiel’s hot body and Dean lost his control.

* * *

 

“I’m thinking about having another child.” Dean looked up from his milkshake, the straw hanging from his mouth, dripping all over the table. Mary laughed at that, pulling it from Dean’s lips. “Don’t look so shocked, sweetheart,” she said. Dean snatched the straw back from her and put it into the pink mess.

“How else am I supposed to look?” Dean challenged, trying not to sound too discouraging. “What did Dad say to it?” Mary sighed, blowing her blonde hair out of her face.

“We discussed it for a long time and we both want it. He’s worried, understandably, but I told him he’d be fine. Nothing will happen to him.”

“But you’d be fine to risk your child going berserk and having to kill it?” Dean asked and Mary frowned at him. “I’m just saying,” he defended himself petulantly, raising his hands.

“There’s a good chance that they’ll be normal,” she said and Dean scrunched up his nose. “And you turned out very well,” she continued with a smile, reaching out to pinch Dean’s cheeks. He rolled his eyes, but he loved all the attention Mary gave him, so he let it slide. “My handsome boy…”

“I don’t think I turned out particularly well. More spectacularly freakish.” Dean snorted which made Mary reach out to put her hand on top of Dean’s.

“Honey…” Dean looked down into the milkshake, not speaking. Mary sighed. “You’re no freak… You’ll reach maturity soon, either this cycle or the next and you’ll see that everything will be alright.”

“I don’t know Mom… I’ve been feeling odd,” he muttered angrily. He wasn’t angry at her, but he couldn’t help being bitter.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Dean looked up at her with a frown.

“To talk to you about mating cycles and odd sexual urges while sitting in an ice parlor surrounded by kids?” he asked and shook his head.

“Dean…”

“You’re taking me out each week to have ice cream, like I’m a normal four year old. But I’m not a normal four year old and it sucks.” Mary didn’t say anything and when Dean dared to look up he saw that she was sad, her wide eyes full of emotions and the corners of her mouth slipping down.

“Oh, baby…” Dean reached out his hands at once so that he could feel the strong hold of his mother’s fingers and feel the warmth of her palms press against his. “I’m sorry.” Dean shook his head. He hadn’t wanted her to be sad.

“It’s alright,” he told her and Mary sighed deeply.

“How about I get you another milk shake?” she offered with a weak smile. Dean returned it.

“You’re spoiling me, mommy.”

Dean spent his next mating cycle at his grandparent’s place, locked inside his room, with music blaring from his headphones and staring at the worlds blurring on the pages of the novels he was trying to read for college.

He felt too hot, like he would suffocate. But he kept the windows locked and the door closed.

His grandparents, unsure what exactly could be happening to him, kept vigil as the days dragged on and the cycle passed.

Nothing happened.

Sammy was born a whole nine months later. A perfect and fragile, sweet human baby.

* * *

 

Normally Dean would leave quickly and quietly. But somehow he woke up slowly, out of a very deep sleep. He was well rested, which was a surprise, and the sheets were almost as comfortable as his bed at home. He sat up and rubbed his eyes. He was alone in the room and stark naked under the covers. The bed next to him was still slightly warm.

He got out of bed and dressed slowly. His suit had been hung up neatly and was dry despite last night’s rain. He got out of the bedroom and followed his nose to the kitchen, where Castiel was bending over his laptop, squinty expression partially hidden behind glasses. He had two cups standing next to him and a third in his hand. His hair was all over the place and even though he was dressed, he looked rumpled.

“Morning,” Dean greeted, trying to pretend to have all the confidence in the world, even though he was unsure what to do now. Castiel hadn’t kicked him out and apparently just got on with his regular activities despite there being a naked man in his bedroom. Or a dressed man, he had fantastic sex with just the night before, in his kitchen. The kitchen was a nice space, now that Dean looked around, warm and smelling of toast and coffee. “You’re no longer in bed?”

“I’ve had to get up early to acquire the rights to a manuscript before that other stupid publishing house got it,” he muttered, but then he looked over the top of his glasses. Dean felt a stirring low in his belly at the sight. “Do you want pancakes? Or cereals? Toast?”

“I’ll just grab a glass of juice if I may. I feel a bit dehydrated,” he confessed and made for the huge jug full of what he assumed to be orange juice.

“We had a lot of sex yesterday,” Castiel commented and Dean huffed a laugh around the rim of his glass, then he drank it, grateful for the chill. He was already feeling worlds better today. He wasn’t sure if that was because the cycle was over or because he got laid.

“So,” he started, leaning against the edge of the table opposite Castiel. “Did you get the manuscript?”

“We’re still arguing about details, but yes,” Castiel told him with a small grin. “If it is successful as I hope it will be, that might give my career a bit of a boost. Not that anyone ever cares about the editors, apart from other people in the publishing business.”

“Yeah, I don’t know much about that. Sounds competitive though.”

“It is. But I’m doing fairly well now, even though it is just a small publishing place I work for.” He turned the laptop away and looked up at Dean. Dean showed him a smile, unsure what the stare meant. Castiel did blush after a while, turning his head away and busying himself by removing his glasses. Dean wanted to say something, but then the phone vibrated in his pants pocket. He pulled it out and saw a message from Sam.

“My brother… I should probably start heading back.” Castiel’s face fell slightly.

“Yes, of course. Do you live around here?”

“No… I’ll be driving back to Kansas. I was just here for work.”

“Oh…” Dean could feel Castiel’s disappointment right to his core and he did feel sorry for him. Somehow… somehow he also felt sorry for himself. But it was better this way. Dean stood in front of the table, awkwardly slapping his mobile phone against his palm. “I’ll pack you some lunch. You’ll be on the road for a long time.” Dean wanted to stop him, but Castiel wore a determined expression and so Dean found himself with a bag of food and water and juice bottles.

“I had a great time,” Dean told him at the door and Castiel’s face changed from a regretful frown to a happy and shy smile.

“I also had a great time…” They stood in front of each other, unsure what to do. It was odd. Dean had done morning after good-byes a lot, but with Cas it was different. Somehow. It felt wrong to say good-bye and Dean knew it was stupid. He couldn’t afford to get attached to people. But before he could control his body, he leant down and kissed Castiel.

“I’ll keep my eyes open, maybe I’ll soon see a bestseller with your name inside of it.” Castiel smiled at him, nothing forced about the expression.

“Good bye, Dean.”

“Bye, Cas.”

The door closed and Dean made his way back to the place where he had parked his car. It was still early enough in the morning, slightly chilly and damp from a night of raining. The sky was overcast and he was pretty sure the bad weather would follow him all the way back to Kansas.

He looked at the food Cas had packed him and recalled his beautiful smile and how warm and comfortable Castiel’s body had felt. Right. Just like it had been made for Dean.

“No attachments, damn it,” he told the silence of his car. It was best that they hadn’t exchanged numbers. Nothing would come out of a relationship between them. It was just too risky.

Dean was an amazon, for God’s sake.


	2. Chapter 2

For an almost 10 year old, Sam had an irritating knack for guessing other people’s moods. Maybe the kid was human, but Dean was tempted to call it some supernatural mojo, even though he knew it was ridiculous.

“Seriously, Sammy. I’m fine,” Dean insisted when Sam was still trying to get Dean to talk. The boy put on a pout which, any other time, might have melted Dean’s resolve, but this wasn’t something he could talk to Sam about. “How’s your ice cream?”

“Great,” the boy chirped and promptly shoveled another spoonful into his mouth. Dean smiled and ruffled Sam’s hair as he got up from the chair. Having his brother over was always great. He flicked through the calendar on the wall to check what would be coming up this month. Internship at the local museum at the end of the month. Dean felt that he had jobbed in pretty much every field under the sun since graduating college. Nothing really seemed to stick with him. Maybe he should try at a publishing house too? He had liked working in the library and he loved to read, but other than that…? He sighed silently and turned his attention to the Tupperware container lying in his sink. The covers were pastel floral patterns.

“Are you mopey because of a girl?” Dean bit back on a curse, startled by his little brother turning up at his elbow all of a sudden. “Your eyes did the thing again,” the boy observed calmly, indicating towards his own eyes. Dean groaned, rubbing his palm over his eyes. He should stop brooding. “Are those hers? Do you have a girlfriend?”

“No, I don’t have a girlfriend,” he said, huffing, then he started cleaning. Sam wordlessly grabbed a towel from the shelf so that he could dry the plates and the spoon he had used for the ice cream. “Though I might have to take those back eventually…” Sam was leaning against the counter, elbows propped up and chin resting in his palms. Dean wanted to avoid looking into Sam’s smug little face, so he turned away from him. His little brother must have counted this as his victory, because he didn’t continue to pester Dean about it.

“Hey, will you help me with homework? You’re good at math, right?” Dean heard Sam say, as he looked for a box he could use to mail the Tupperware to Cas. Dean dug something out from under a pile of old newspaper. He shook the flattened box out and then he turned to look at Sam from over his shoulder.

“Uh, yeah. Good enough for a 10 year old’s homework I guess,” he said with a wink and Sam ran off into Dean’s study, far too excited about homework for Dean’s taste. He rolled his eyes and grabbed his laptop so that he could browse the internet a bit while Sam did his equations. There would be no more gruesome, ritualistic deaths in the city that they had cleared, but there were other cities and there would be another mating cycle.

Dean was simply glad that he got through this one without nothing but pleasantly sore muscles and a little, painful twinge in his chest whenever he thought of that beautiful, shy smile.

“You’ve got a bit of a dumb expression on. You know? The kind of expression dad makes when mom does something cute,” Sam commented and Dean took his revenge by pulling at Sam’s too long hair.

* * *

 

Two weeks passed and Dean held on to the Tupperware containers. They had not found their way into the box yet and instead had claimed their new space right next to Dean’s coffee machine. The floral print was always visible from the corner of Dean’s eye when he sat down at the table in the kitchen. Cas, as a consequence of this, was constantly on Dean’s mind. He should give him his containers back. It wouldn’t be difficult to figure out what his address was, since he had walked there.

After two days of staring at the containers and his mobile phone, in case Cas somehow, magically, had gotten a hold of his number, he gave in. Doing a google search for him wasn’t hard and showed him a couple of results, one of them being a Facebook profile. Dean wasn’t a big fan of social media and being on a platform that had everything interconnected made lying about his non-existent childhood difficult. Not that anyone checked, but they could. So he made sure not to talk lots and merely use it to congratulate people on their birthdays, like his grandfather’s pictures of old books on top of the hoods of old cars (weird aesthetic, but why not) and post pics of parties that didn’t involve his family.

Compared to his own page, Castiel’s Facebook account looked professional and well maintained. There were no silly photos of family members, no birthday wishes, or what else you found on a page of a guy in his early 30ies. Dean didn’t think it would be a good idea to send the professional account of Castiel Novak of Shurley Publishers, a casual message about his floral printed Tupperware. Least of all a friend request. Maybe it wasn’t really the done thing to send one-night-stands friend requests anyway. (But Dean had done it before. Everybody wants more friends on Facebook, right?)

With a frustrated groan he closed the tab and sank down in his chair. He was restless, something that was unusual for him, especially after they had successfully survived another mating cycle. But the feeling he had, that hungry pull inside of his stomach that yearned for Castiel, was so similar to the desire he got during mating cycles. He wasn’t sure what to do with it, but to ignore it as best as he could. Now that Sam was back at his parents’ place there was nothing to divert Dean’s attention away from his memories of Castiel.

Dean wasn’t really a chaste man, so he had his fair share of amazing nights with wonderful women that Dean was always happy to remember. Remembering them felt different though. Maybe Cas was special because he was a guy. While sometimes a guy could turn Dean’s head, it had always stopped at flirting. Back when he had been younger the thought of having sex with men terrified him in ways that having sex with women never had. Sure, he could probably knock a woman up if he wasn’t being careful, but at least with them it wasn’t the same danger. Guy or not, Dean was an amazon. The fear of sex with men wasn’t some kind of misplaced internalized homophobia gig. The danger of having to go through this ritualistic child bearing and having his own kid face all he shit Dean had to go through? No.

He shouldn’t have taken it further than flirting. But he did and now part of him couldn’t stand the thought of staying away from him.

Dean tapped his fingers on the table, staring at the screen, then at the print out next to his mouse pad. He was pretty sure that he had found the street and even Castiel’s house. He could search for his house phone number as well. But that would probably make him look desperate.

But wasn’t he desperate?

* * *

 

After three weeks Dean gave up. When the opportunity of driving all the way back to Seattle presented itself, Dean pounced on it. Grandma and mom always did a routine check a couple of weeks after a case and that was as good as it got as far as excuses were concerned. He wasn’t in this weird hunting business like them, but he had enough training to help out. He had searched for Castiel’s house phone number and was now toying around with his phone as he waited for his mom to get into the car.

“Really, Dean. You don’t have to accompany me,” she told him but Dean shrugged and put the phone away – Castiel’s number still untouched.

“I figured you might get bored all on your own and I’m free anyway. Did all my homework, cleaned my room,” he assured her with a wink. He instinctively knew that his mom narrowed her eyes at him suspiciously without having to look at her. He started the car, happy that she had agreed to take Dean’s car instead of her stupid VW bus that screamed hipster mom at every other person on the road.

“You’ve been weird, you know? Pretty much since the last cycle,” she said and while her voice was gentle, the look in her eyes was sharp, assessing. “Dean, if-“

“Mom. It was a mating cycle like any other. And I freak out every damn time. Running into Lydia didn’t make it any better,” he told her, hoping that it would be enough. His mom sighed, but she shrugged and that was Dean’s cue to start driving.

Castiel’s containers were in the trunk. He would do this now.

* * *

 

Dean couldn’t pretend that he wasn’t nervous. Every street corner had the potential for Dean to run into Cas, every car could be his. What if he was waiting in a line to get a cup of coffee? What if he was just across the street looking into a book shop? What if-

“For God’s sake, Dean! What’s gotten into you?” Dean gave a start when Mary pulled at his arm, causing him to stumble backwards and away from the street. He blinked down at her and she shook her head with a deep, disapproving sigh. She slipped her arm around his, holding onto him and at the same time steering him away from the street and into the little park that would take them to the other side of the city. Further away from Cas, but at least closer to the home of one of the almost victims of ritualistic patricide.

“It’s nothing,” Dean assured her half-heartedly but when Mary narrowed her eyes at him he started to fret. They were walking through the park now and while people were around it was unlikely that anyone would overhear their conversation. For most they’d probably just look like a couple taking a stroll. Still, that didn’t mean that Dean wanted to talk to her about what was eating at him. Admitting to himself that something was eating at him was hard enough.

“It’s never nothing with you, Dean,” Mary told him gently and Dean didn’t have to look down at her to know that there was concern and warmth in her expression. “There’s always something eating at you and it’s making me sad that I can’t help you. Or that you won’t let me help you.” This was the easiest way to make guilt settle quickly and heavily in Dean’s stomach. He didn’t want to make his mother unhappy or to make her feel like any of this was her fault. Dean knew that it wasn’t. He was past the phase where he had wished that his mother had been more responsible, had not decided to risk her kids being born with this damn affliction. But Mary still remembered those painful days and Dean… Dean was still bitter and afraid sometimes but he tried to not let his mother know. It wasn’t her fault and she also didn’t hold the key to the solution to all of his problems. There was none.

“Maybe there’s a girl eating at you?” Mary’s lighter tone was what got Dean out of his darker thoughts and it took a moment for him to realize what she had asked. “A girl. Did you meet a girl at Sandover?”

“What? No!” Dean snapped, feeling embarrassment spread hotly across his face. His mom had the audacity to giggle.

“Maybe a boy then?” What the hell?

“ _No_ , mom!”

“Dean…?” Dean froze, effectively pulling his mother, who still had her arm hooked around his, to a stop too. He looked up and clearly enough Castiel was standing on the path not too far in front of them. This fulfilled both his biggest fears and wishes, though he was slipping into a small panic at being caught so unaware, but hoped that nothing showed on his face. Castiel was looking at him with an insecure expression, but there was no anger or any other negative emotion on his face. Dean wasn’t even sure why he had expected it, he just knew that he was glad that there was none. He took a moment to look at Castiel, who wore a bulky coat which didn’t really flatter him, and he looked slightly disheveled, but not the good kind. The “kinda sick” instead of the “just got out of bed after getting laid” kind.

“Oh, hey Cas! Its’ good to see you again!” Dean said, remembering to use words, but made no step towards Castiel. He in turn approached so that they didn’t have to raise their voices just to talk. Dean let Mary go once he noticed that Castiel wasn’t stopping at an appropriate distance, instead choosing to walk straight into an awkward hug. Dean felt the relief of having him back in his arms like a shock going down his spine. The restless feeling that had plagued him for the last three weeks finally settled. He wrapped his arms around him, breathed in the clean scent of him and let himself be grounded. After a moment Castiel shifted slightly and Dean let go of him.

“It’s good to see you too. I didn’t’ think you’d come back here. Is work bringing you here again?” he asked and Dean shrugged. Somehow preparing a good lie hadn’t crossed his mind.

“Kind of. There was still something I had to do, meet one of the company’s clients again before we can wrap this whole business up. Of course they’ll send the intern for that, but I’m not unhappy about the paid road trip, you know?” Castiel’s mouth pulled up into a small smile. This was the moment where Mary cleared her throat, preventing Cas from saying whatever he had planned to retort. Mary had a big, big smile on her face when she looked at Dean, but he could see right through it down to the mischievous part of her. Whatever kind of backstory she constructed for them, she was obviously enjoying it.

“This is Castiel. I met him the last time we were here,” he said and that did get the smile on her face to dim a little bit as realization dawned on her. But she was good enough to school her expression back into her natural friendliness. “Cas? This is Mary.”

“Your… mother?” Castiel asked and both of them stared at him.

“What? No, she’s my sister!” Dean said, trying to make his laughter sound genuine.

“Do I look that old?” Mary whined and Dean knew that to be fake, but it did sound convincing.

“Of course not. It’s just that Dean called you mom,” Castiel said calmly, looking from one to the other.

“As a _joke_ , Cas. When sisters get on your nerves and try to tell you what to do even though you’re an adult, you know?”

“No… I don’t have any sisters,” Castiel replied dryly, but the corner of his mouth pulled up into a small smile. “The family resemblance is hard to overlook, though.” Dean assumed that he and Mary were off the hook now. Not that they really had been in danger. There was no way that civilians would believe Mary to be any older than Dean, least of all old enough to have a son in his late twenties. Still, the potential to be found out was ever-present. While amazons were sensitive to the supernatural, there was no way to really know who was a hunter or had connections in that direction. Dean was absolutely sure that the cute editor couldn’t possibly be in the hunting business, but they had a healthy apprehension of anyone knowing about them and potentially getting hunters on their trail.

“Don’t you live at the other end of the city?” Dean wondered in order to steer the topic to safer waters. Castiel put his hands into the pocket of his coat, shivering lightly when the wind picked up.

“Yes, but my doctor’s clinic is across the park. I just got back.” That made Dean tense up. He let his eyes roam over Castiel again.

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah, nothing unusual going on. I just had indigestion for a while but I’ve got a prescription now, so I’m sure I’ll be fine,” he said and Mary snorted softly next to Dean. Not everyone was so willing to talk about their digestive tract out in public but Dean had already gotten a taste of how blunt and uncomplicated Castiel could be if he wanted to.

“That’s good,” Dean said and they smiled at each other like a bunch of idiots. At least his mother was letting them have their moment. “Uh, I still have your Tupperware.” Castiel opened his mouth in a small ‘ah’ sound. “I thought I’d take it with me to return it, but it’s still in my car.”

“You could give it to me later if you’re still in town?” Castiel asked and he did nothing to hide the hopefulness in his tone.

“Absolutely, yeah!” Dean said quickly, almost stumbling over his words. Mary actually did laugh at that, but masked it behind a cough and pulled out her mobile phone to pretend that she was reading a text message.

“You could come over for a coffee? You too of course, Mary,” Castiel suggested. Dean shot his mother a look.

“I don’t have to hang out with Dean all the time. I think I’ll go shopping once we’re done here. Let you two catch up a bit,” she said generously and Dean blew her a kiss that had his mother roll her eyes fondly. Dean did note the tiny crease between her eyebrows when she looked back down at her phone. Surely he’d get to hear something about this later on.

“I’ll have to get some groceries and then I’ll be at home. Just come by whenever it suits you,” Castiel told Dean.

“Sure thing, Cas,” he replied. Castiel smiled and then they said their good-byes. Dean looked over his shoulder to see Cas walking through the park.

“I knew that there was someone on your mind,” Mary said and Dean turned back to her. There was still a smile on her face and she offered him her arm again. “Though I didn’t really think it’d be a man.”

“I don’t usually go for men either. But Cas is… I don’t know. He’s sweet,” Dean said and Mary fell into a thoughtful silence that started to worry Dean the longer it went on. “Mom… Don’t make this into something big.”

“I’m just worried.” Mary answered and Dean tensed slightly.

“About what?”

“About the fact that it happened on the cycle. Are you sure you didn’t just go for the next best thing because you had to?”

“There were plenty of women in the bar, he wasn’t the next best thing,” Dean said defensively, not sure if he should be offended on Castiel’s behalf.

“The next best thing for the cycle, Dean. You’re an amazon. We mate with men.” Dean tensed up enough for Mary to notice. She loosened the grip she had on his arm but Dean didn’t try to pull away yet. He merely stared into the distance, not willing to meet his mother’s eyes. “Baby…”

“I had sex with him, yeah. But not like _that_. I didn’t – I didn’t let myself be _mated_! Don’t you think you would have noticed _very quickly_ if I’d been that stupid?” It made Dean sick to even think about it and Mary started rubbing his arm soothingly.

“I’m sorry for bringing it up,” she told him gently and Dean tried to let her voice wash over him and douse the cold flames of shame and dread. “Maybe we could get you checked? Find one of our doctors and-“

“Mom,” Dean exhaled and pinched the bridge of his nose. Mary fell silent and Dean knew that she wouldn’t push. “Let’s just do our work and then I’ll return Cas’ stuff.”

“Of course,” Mary agreed, giving Dean a quick squeeze before they continued on their way to interrogate some people and check out potential places the clan could have returned to in case they hadn’t given the city up yet.

* * *

 

By the time Dean and his mother were done with everything, dusk was already settling over the city in reddish hues.

“Well, if you want to stay here I’m going to check into a hotel. I’ll get a double just in case, but don’t feel like you need to join me,” Mary said when Dean was already starting to grow impatient. He had pulled the Tupperware out of the Impala’s trunk. “And take your car. I can walk from here.”

“Sure, mom?” Dean asked and Mary lifted her eyebrow at him. “Uhm… okay.”

“Be careful, don’t let him take advantage of you, use protection.” Dean groaned but Mary’s voice had been more on the side of stern than playful. “I mean it, Dean.”

“Why? Just because he’s a guy you’re using your mom voice on me?” Mary had a sour expression on her face and Dean guessed that yes, she was getting defensive over this. Dean chuckled and bent down to press a kiss to her cheek. “Love you.”

“I love you too. Now, go and have your date,” she said and Dean got into the car, waving at his mother as he maneuvered out of the parking lot. He was torn between amusement and embarrassment, thought the further he got away the more the awkwardness left him.

Before long he was greeted by Castiel’s shy smile and let into the apartment.

“Do you want a cup of coffee?” Castiel asked and Dean nodded, following him into the kitchen to deposit the Tupperware on the counter. Now that Castiel didn’t wear that bulky coat anymore Dean could look Cas over again. He looked amazing, even though he was wearing pajama pants and a woolen cardigan over a loose t-shirt. Cas apparently wasn’t a big fan of form fitting clothes, but that didn’t make him look any less beautiful in Dean’s eyes. Castiel placed the cup of coffee on the table and then he sat down, drawing his chair closer to Dean than was probably necessary, but Dean definitely appreciated being able to bump knees with Cas.

“I missed you,” Castiel confessed without preamble and Dean breathed in sharply, the fragrance of coffee blooming over his senses. Castiel’s expression was open, slightly regretful, but certainly honest and relieved. Castiel’s hand settled on Dean’s thigh and Dean put his coffee back down to lean forward. He was lucky that Cas was on the same page, otherwise he might have entirely missed Castiel’s mouth. Now it was a great kiss, soft and lingering. When Dean drew back he couldn’t help laughing.

“What’s the matter?” Castiel asked and Dean had to soothe the worried tone with another quick kiss.

“Nothing, babe. I just thought that the moment I walked out of your door without your number that I would regret it. And I tried to tell myself that it would pass.” Dean kept his head down, eyes away from Castiel’s face because he didn’t know what to expect. Castiel shifted and Dean had to sit up straight because Castiel was suddenly completely in his space. Warm, firm weight settled in his lap and he was wrapped up in a firm hug. “And you’ll just take me back? Even though I’ll be leaving again?”

“You’re here now,” Castiel said, his mouth pressed against Dean’s hair. Dean felt a pang of regret at that because he knew that there was no way that he could ever be with Castiel. He wasn’t human – not really - and dragging humans into their life… It usually messed up everything, maybe even ending in death. And he couldn’t do that to Cas. But his skin was soft and warm where Dean slipped his fingertips under Castiel’s shirt. His mouth was hot and wet where it brushed against Dean’s cheeks. He could have him. He could have him for just a little while.

* * *

 

“Are we going to exchange numbers this time?” Castiel’s soft voice broke the silence between them. Dean felt hot and sticky but too tired to get out of bed for a shower. Morning was creeping up on them and Dean knew he couldn’t linger for too long because his mom would want to go back to dad and Sam. Castiel shifted until he settled himself against Dean’s side, probably taking Dean’s silence as another rejection. A light shiver went through Castiel and Dean felt the sigh against his heated skin.

“Yes. I’d like that,” Dean finally said. He didn’t have to drag Cas into this but they could still see each other. Or he could at least spare Cas the disappointment now, even if Dean would never work up the courage to commit. Dean wasn’t sure if this was what Cas wanted but the lips kissing their way down Dean’s chest were at least nice… More than nice. Dean might have the body of a grown man, but he had one hell of a stamina – whether by virtue of his actual age or by virtue of the fact that he was a freaking amazon he wasn’t sure. But under the soft but insistent ministrations of Castiel’s lips his dick quickly came back to life.

“We’ve just had sex and you want to go again?”

“Before I have to let you go, yes,” Castiel said and Dean went tense when Castiel sat back up, drawing his palms over Dean’s thighs, teasing his fingertips over the softer inside. “Do you want me on my back?” Dean relaxed instantly and Castiel let go to lie down. There was the shadow of a question in Castiel’s eyes but soon Dean slowly pushed into him and Castiel closed his eyes in bliss. He set a slow pace, but Castiel’s fingers dug into Dean’s arms and the pace became quicker and rougher. He would have to make this last. He would have to give Cas something to remember him by. He didn’t want to let go, he didn’t-

Dean came with a shudder shortly after Cas and outside the sun was starting to peek in through the windows.

He didn’t want to let him go, but he had to. He pressed a kiss to Castiel’s forehead and then he slipped out of his fingers.


	3. Chapter 3

Dean pressed his forehead against the glass, gazing at the tiny babies behind it. One of them was his brother. It had taken impossibly long for him to be born in Dean’s understanding of the passage of time. 9 months. It felt like almost a lifetime.

“Amazing, isn’t it?” Dean looked up to the side, finding a guy with red rimmed eyes looking at him. Dean forced himself to relax. Just a guy. Maybe one of the babies was his. “Which one’s yours?”

“None,” he said quickly, trying not to let his agitation show. Trying not to say never. “One of them’s my nephew.” Maybe one day the lie would come easier.

* * *

 

Running into Castiel while cleaning up after the case had both been a blessing and a curse. His mom had always been very observant and focused on him, but for the week following her encounter with Cas, she was vigilant. She visited every day, even going as far as to invite herself to sleep over at his apartment the first three days.

“Mom, I know what you’re doing and you can stop it,” he hissed at her when he caught her lingering outside of his bathroom, like a predator stalking prey. In turn, his mother gave up on feigning ignorance. Mary looked into the bathroom, making Dean press himself against the doorframe with a curse. After a cursory glance around she withdrew and looked Dean up and down instead.

“Unfortunately I can’t do that. I can’t stop worrying,” she said and it was exactly the kind of tone that made Dean feel like she was trying to guilt him into something. That mix of compassion and pity that Dean hated to have directed at himself. He groaned and pushed past her to get into the kitchen.

“You could start with some trust? I know what I’m doing,” he told his mom, certain that she would follow him. When he turned away from the fridge she was leaning against the kitchen island. Mary gave a minute shake of her head, almost too small a gesture for him to pick up. But only almost and he had to sink his teeth into his lips to not snarl at her. He had been forced to be an adult and to take care of himself for years now. And _this_ was where she drew the line? This fling with Castiel? But instead of saying anything in this direction he took a calming breath. “It’s not the mating cycle anymore.”

“That doesn’t mean that nothing could happen,” Mary shot back. “This isn’t an exact science. It’s magic.” Dean snorted. “Honey, I know this isn’t easy,” she told him gently and Dean really didn’t want to hear it. “But even though you do not carry the mark of Harmonia, you will fall victim to her claim if you don’t have clarity and if you aren’t prudent.”

“And what makes you think that I’m not prudent?” Dean retorted and crossed his arms over his chest. “Don’t you think that by now I know everything about safe sex? I’ve had plenty of one-night stands and I’ve never knocked up a random chick, neither on nor off the cycle.”

“That’s not at the core of this issue and you know it,” Mary said sharply and Dean knew he should let it go, really. He didn’t want to fight his mother, but god damn it, he was tired of this. Of the haunted looks, the scrutiny, the unsaid things hanging in the air.

“So what is it then? That I’m having sex with a man?” he challenged and Mary narrowed her eyes. “Well?”

“Dean, don’t try to turn this into something it’s not. I don’t have a problem with you being bisexual. But that doesn’t mean that I’m not worried. I know you’re a responsible young man, but what if you slip up? All it takes is once, Dean. And if you tell me now that you want to have a child, then I’m going to back off right away.” Dean balked at the idea, nausea rattling around his stomach at the mere thought.

“No way.”

“That’s exactly what I thought,” his mother said and then she straightened, pushing herself away from the kitchen island. Dean knew that look. It was the one she got whenever she was gearing up to solve a problem. “So I talked to your dad and we both think that you have to go see a doctor.” Dean lifted his eyebrows in surprise, because this was hardly what he had been expecting.

“Mom. Trust me. I’m not pregnant,” he told her, exasperation making his patience run thin. How many times did he have to say the same thing before she believed him? “I want to avoid talking to you about my sex life if I can help it.” Mary lifted an eyebrow and Dean scrunched up his nose. “Every time I have sex with Cas I top, okay? I am NOT pregnant.”

“And I believe you. This is not about that. It’s to give you clarity,” she said and Dean shook his head, not understanding what she was getting at. Mary sighed. “Clarity and prudence, Dean. We should check if you even have a functioning womb and ovaries.” The words cut through Dean, making him freeze. He barely heard this mother’s next words. “We should have done that years ago, when you first started being affected by the mating cycle.”

“No.” Dean had to force the small word out of his mouth. He felt like someone was choking him and he had to get air. Out of this kitchen, away from his mother’s surprised expression. He pushed past her and into the living room. The window was open and he tried to breathe in fresh air.

“And why not? Dean!” his mother called after him and he could hear her feet on the wooden floor. “What’s the problem?”

“The problem?!” Dean shouted, turning away from the window to face her. Was there breath in his lungs or just fire and rage and shame? Always shame. His eyes were burning and the window frame was groaning in protest when he gripped it too firmly. “The problem is that I hate this! I’m this way because you didn’t listen to the warnings. You had neither clarity nor prudence when you had me! Because you and dad thought that nothing would happen. Even though your sister went off the reservation and killed your dad before she herself got killed by hunters. And still you told yourself that what?! That it would be okay?” He only glanced at his mother, seeing her pale, shocked face and he thought _good_. “Because it’s not okay! I’m a male amazon! Even in terms of freaks I’m that extra flavor of weird!” Even though she looked taken aback by Dean’s outburst, his mother was not one to back down, stubborn just like Dean. Whatever apology he did (didn’t) want to hear, she brushed right past it to stab her finger into the wound.

“It’s exactly because you’re a male amazon I want you to have clarity! I know you’re not happy, I know you would have liked to be human like Sammy, but we can’t change who you are. Your father and I took risks to have you, but we’re happy to have you!” Mary protested and Dean didn’t have the heart to say anything to that. “But yes, you are special and that means that you have to shoulder burdens that other men don’t have to shoulder.” Dean averted his eyes and shook his head.

“Dean, it’s just an ultrasound exam. It won’t hurt and once you know you have options,” her voice had lost its sharp edge. She was soft, understanding, mothering. But Dean didn’t find comfort in her words and he didn’t say anything. He heard his mother huff in frustration.

“If you want to be with Castiel, you have to know all your facts,” she said and Dean’s head snapped up. He stared at his mother with something akin to betrayal. “If you want a relationship with him, you have to be honest.”

“And what am I supposed to say?” Dean challenged, aghast.

“Exactly what I had to tell your father and what my mother had to tell my father. What we are. What the risks are. And if you do, you’ve got to be prepared for the fall-out,” his mother told him what Dean already knew. “And it will be hard, believe me Dean. Because other than my or your dad, Cas is a civilian. He doesn’t know about the supernatural.” Dean grit his teeth, but he didn’t give her the satisfaction of an answer right away. It wasn’t like he hadn’t turned that conversation around in his head countless times. He had thought about it when he was still young, dreaming of having a family and something that was normal. Before he was pulled firmly into this whole curse of mating cycles and hunting and abnormality. So he did what he had always done. He breathed in deeply, trying to collect himself, then he looked up at his mother. She was eying him with a challenge in her eyes, like she knew that she had won this argument, but she didn’t understand.

“No.” Mary’s face fell and Dean was actually surprised to see the honest disappointment instead of the irritation with his stubbornness that he had expected. Feeling shame curl around his heart, he tried to force more words past his lips before they were sealed shut by it. “Mom, I’m not boyfriend material. I’m a mess and I can’t even pretend that I could one day have what you have. There can be no relationship between me and Cas. We saw each other twice, we’ve had our fun and now that chapter is over.”

“But Dean, if you just-“

“No mom,” he said, hoping that his tone would clue her in on the fact that he had made up his mind. This was final. He’d rather run away than face Castiel’s look of disgust. Mary sighed deeply and reached up her hand to rub her palm over her face.

“Okay,” she said, then she let her hand drop again. “Maybe it’s better this way. He didn’t look like someone who could fit into our family.” Dean tried not to let it show on his face how his mother’s words hurt him. Because Cas was perfect. He was exactly what Dean had always dreamed of. But he kept his mouth shut and accompanied his mother to the door. Her mission here was done, so it was time to return to Dad and Sam.

“In case you change your mind about getting checked, just give me a call. We’ll find someone who’s discreet,” she promised, then she winced when she looked up in Dean’s face. Whatever she must have seen was making her eyes shine. But Dean brushed her off, wrapping her in a firm hug.

“Okay,” he said and then she let her go again. “Bye mom.” Mary looked indecisive for a moment, but then she nodded and turned around.

“Call me. We’re expecting you for family dinner on Saturday,” she said and Dean heard himself promise he’d be there. Then she was gone and he closed the door. Her words echoed in his mind.

He hadn’t told her that he had been close once. That he’d been in a dingy office of a dingy house of a disgraced doctor. That one day, years ago, he had said the words “I need help” to some stranger because that was preferable to letting his parents – busy with their happy and healthy new born human son – see just how pitch black it felt inside of Dean. He had been there. A beat-up guy in a dingy office of a dingy house, hidden away, trying to face his shame.

* * *

 

Dean was not sure his plan was a good one. He had been walking back and forth in front of the building that housed the offices of Dr. Robert for half an hour. He had found his name while leafing through his late grandpa’s journals in the hopes of finding something that his mom and grandma kept from him. Dr. Robert was the next best thing he could find. He would be able to provide answers, at least answers of some kind. Maybe it was foolish to go up the stairs, dirty and smelly, armed with nothing but a wad of cash to pay for Dr. Robert’s services.

Dr. Roberts was a hunter contact and Dean was straddling the line between hunter and monster and on some days he didn’t know what exactly he was anyway.

He was a mess, shivering, sick, and vomiting into the trashcan next to a dead looking plant, which actually didn’t even do the office’s rank smell any disservice. He was clutching the money in his trembling fingers, a mantra of “run away, run away, run away” circling in his head and his heart in danger of beating out of his chest.

He sat there, with cash in his hands and vomit dripping off his chin because he wanted to know – god. If there was a womb in his stomach. If there was fertile sperm in his come. Anything that would help him figure out what the fuck he was.

Dr. Robert’s assistant came to check on him and coolly observed the vomit, the way Dean clutched the bills to his stomach and proclaimed:

“We do abortions of magical monster spawn too.” Like it was an everyday thing. Like she saw guys come through Dr. Robert’s office all the time, terrified out of their minds, looking for answers and help for the unspeakable, unnatural happening to their human looking bodies.

Dean had no answer for her, but rage and shame at the assumption made his feet move.

He never went back, he never figured it out.

He’d been 5 years old then, desperate to not go through another cycle in just a couple of months. His 21 year old body shivering and his feet heavy like ghosts were hanging on to his shoulders, he had found his way into a diner. The only place that looked warm and light. And the waitress there had taken one look at him and given him hot chocolate and put a comforting hand on his shoulder as she let him cry without asking any questions.

He returned home after that, right on time for a cheerful family dinner.

And he put on a smile and buried the shame.

* * *

 

Dad’s garage might not seem like the best place to hide from his mother, but he found the familiarity of the smell and the work soothing. Whenever he needed to calm down, he’d ask his dad to be allowed under the hood of a car to take his mind off whatever bothered him. John knew how to both give Dean space and to also to make him feel like he wasn’t alone with his worries. Dean had a great relationship with both of his parents – most of the time – but when the relationship with his mom was strained because of what both of them were, he was usually able to connect with his dad. So here he was now, tinkering around, with both Cas and the sort of fight with his mom heavy on his heart.

Three weeks had passed since he had last seen Cas and while he had longed to get in contact with him, he didn’t dare to. His mother’s warning still rang in his head. Dean eyed his mobile phone that was lying on the work bench behind him. Despite knowing that there could be no relationship if Dean couldn’t be honest with Castiel, he longed for the screen to light up with a message from Cas. But so far there had been nothing. Castiel had certainly picked up on Dean’s reluctance to commit to anything, so he was probably letting him do this (whatever this was) on Dean’s terms.

If only Dean could muster the courage to talk to Cas, even if it was just to chat. As long as Castiel didn’t meet his family the lies between them could be kept at a minimum. Dean hated that he always had to lie when it got to his family. Mom, dad and Sam were picture perfect, but Dean? Dean never fit it.

“What’s on your mind, son?” Dean looked up and saw his father wiping his hands on a rag. At Dean’s confused expression John chuckled. “You’ve been staring at the wall for the last 5 minutes.”

“Oh,” Dean said, feeling embarrassment bringing a flush of heat to his cheeks. Out of the corner of his eyes he saw his dad studying him, still wiping his hands until the stains were gone. It was a familiar sight for Dean which was probably an indication of how many times he hid in his father’s workplace when things were rough.

“You wanna talk?” John asked, putting the rag down and approaching so that he could lean against the car Dean was supposed to be working on. It wasn’t unusual for John to get him to talk about things that were on his mind but he rarely tried to talk to Dean about his ‘amazon business’. John must have known that the things that bothered Dean were supernatural. That he still asked probably meant that Dean must be looking particularly pathetic at the moment.

“I don’t know, Dad,” Dean muttered, feeling shy all of a sudden.

“Look, I know this is amazon business,” John said calmly and put his hand on Dean’s shoulder, “but you’re my son and I want to help you however I can. Whatever you’re going through now must be big to get both you and mom so worked up.” Dean held his father’s gaze for a while, seeing nothing but honesty in his eyes. He turned his head away and looked at the floor. He was feeling pretty much like a 14 year old boy at the moment.

“Okay,” he agreed and John wrapped his arm around his shoulder, pulling him close for a bit of an awkward half-hug. “Dad,” Dean complained, though his heart wasn’t really in it. He did like the affection. John gave his shoulder one last pat before he put some distance between them again. He leant back against the car and after a while Dean did the same. “So… What was that spat with your mom about?” Dean thought about how to best answer. Mom must have discussed the situation with dad to some degree, so it wasn’t like he was totally in the dark. And while the idea of laying this all out in the open was so far removed from comfortable, there might be some advantage in telling dad. Because John Winchester was, for all intents and purposes, just a civilian. A regular man who might be able to understand Dean’s unease in a way that mom couldn’t. Dean sighed.

“I’ve met a guy and I kinda like him,” he confessed and he glimpsed at John out of the corner of his eye to gauge his reaction. He’s never had a bisexual coming out talk with anyone, though if his mother was to be trusted the information had long been spread through the Winchester-Campbell grapevine. Dean didn’t really dread his father’s reaction because if John could accept that his wife and son were supernatural creatures, then he could damn well also take that he liked men too. And as expected John didn’t seem bothered at all, but he was pensive. “I’ve never had sex with a guy before,” Dean added and started to regret it by the time John raised an eyebrow at him. “For obvious reasons. But with Cas it just happened.”

“And that wasn’t simply because it was the time of the clan’s mating cycle?” he asked, kinda stilted, like the words “mating cycle” still made no sense to him.

“No, it was definitely not connected to the mating cycle. I met him again and I was still really into him the last time I saw him,” Dean told him.

“And how old is that Cas guy?” The question took Dean by surprise and he looked at his father with wide eyes.

“Uh… 31?”

“31? So you’re dating a guy my age?” John asked, though Dean was pretty sure that he was exaggerating his displeasure.

“I guess so? What do you want me to do? Date boys my age and get arrested? Or get it on with barely legal college boys? As far as everyone’s concerned I’m 29. Not 14.”

“You’re still kind of 14 in my head and this Cas guy being as old as me raises all sorts of red flags,” John said with a huff, then he crossed his arms over his chest. “In his defense, you don’t look like 14.”

“I don’t feel or think like a 14 year old either,” Dean added to that. At least most of the time he didn’t.

“But he’s a good guy, that Cas?” John asked and as surprised at the question as Dean actually was, it was comforting to know that John didn’t seem to be vehemently against it. Initially Mary hadn’t been either, as long as she had assumed it to be a crush. As soon as it had dawned on her that Dean and Castiel’s relationship had been intimate, she’d been on the defensive.

“Uh, yeah… Yeah, he’s great. He’s an editor. Makes good breakfast. It’s comfortable to just be silent around him too, you know?” John lifted an eyebrow at that and Dean felt himself become nervous, so he decided to deflect. “What’s with the interest in my one night wonders?”

“Because he’s not a one night wonder,” John told him, not unkindly. Dean felt something in his chest clench at that. “Besides, I think this is the first time I’ve got the feeling that you’re attached to someone.”

“Hey now. I’m great friends with Lisa. I’m attached to her too,” Dean said defensively, not even sure why he was trying to disagree with his dad.

“Well alright then,” John conceded, “but it’s different anyway. Otherwise your mom wouldn’t be kicking up a fuss like that.” Dean groaned in frustration.

“Don’t remind me,” he said with a deep sigh. “Mom thinks that I can’t pay attention, because I’m an amazon and he’s a guy.”

“She thinks you’re going to get pregnant?” John asked and Dean could see how uncomfortable the topic made him. Welcome to the club, Dean thought grimly. “Is that it?”

“Yeah, pretty much. She thinks that just because I’m an amazon the only reason I want to be with Cas is because I want to mate. And that’s not it. I don’t want a kid.”

“If I understood correctly then you wouldn’t be the first amazon who doesn’t want a kid. So I don’t think it’s exactly in your kind’s nature. It’s more of a… cultural thing? Deanna broke free from the coven, Mary wasn’t initiated, you weren’t initiated. So there’s no real reason to believe that you have to follow a mating call, right?”

“I guess so,” Dean muttered, “but I do feel the effects of the mating cycle every two years. And I slept with Cas during our clan’s mating cycle.” It felt like a confession but John didn’t really react much.

“You’ve used a condom though.” Dean wrinkled his nose at his father and John lifted his hands and shoulders.

“I’m topping anyway,” he said and upon John’s confused expression he clarified: “my dick goes into his ass. Not the other way around. I wouldn’t do it the other way. It’s just not…” Dean shook his head. “No.” John was silent after Dean was done and the seconds seemed to stretch. Dean wondered if maybe that had been a bit too much information. It wasn’t like he wanted to discuss things like this with his parents, but the fact that he was burdened with this absurd sex magic bullshit, raised the tolerance for totally embarrassing stuff.

“Okay, I get the topping thing. But I also understand where your Mom is coming from,” he said. “It doesn’t seem like you’d change your mind about ‘receiving’-”

“ _Seriously_ , dad?” Dean complained, but John didn’t let himself be deterred.

“- anytime soon, but if you keep seeing Cas you might change your mind.” The mere suggestion made Dean’s hackles rise.

“No.” John lifted his hands to get Dean to calm down.

“If you knew about your biology for sure – if you made sure that you can’t actually get pregnant – then you’d have the freedom to change your mind.”

“I don’t want to change my mind,” Dean insisted stubbornly.

“You know that the prostate is located in your ass, Dean. It can be fondled and it can feel nice,” John insisted and Dean almost burst out laughing at the expression on his father’s face that was somewhat tethering on the brink between embarrassed and stern.

“So what? That doesn’t mean I want to have a guy stick his dick up my ass,” he said decisively and John nodded.

“Fair enough,” he said. “I’ve made my case, said all the embarrassing things.” Dean did laugh now. “But in the end it’s your decision. While you’re technically a minor, you’re forced to live like an adult. If you’re burdened with the obligations of adulthood, then you’ll also get the freedom of choice that comes with it. Mom knows that too. She’s just… Worried that you’re going to be even unhappier.” Dean’s face fell.

“I’m not unhappy. Mom’s got to know that. I’m not unhappy that I was born. I just wish I was normal, like you. Normal like Sam.”

“We all do,” John said with a sigh and put his hand on Dean’s shoulder. He gave it a squeeze and after he let go again, he made his way to the door. “But that doesn’t mean that we’re not happy about having you just the way you are.” Dean lowered his head, feeling squeamish about the fondness in John’s eyes.

“I know… But I don’t know why… You must have been disappointed when you didn’t get to enjoy Mom’s pregnancy or me growing up.” John turned away from the door, hand on the railing of the short three steps leading out of the garage.

“Disappointed? No... not because of you. I was sad that you were cheated out of a childhood. I’m not sad that I dodged the bullet of having to change diapers for more than a day,” he said with a laugh but then he grew somber again. “But it wasn’t easy. I was only 19 and suddenly I had a 16 year old son that I was responsible for and I didn’t know what to do with all this baggage you were burdened with and all those things you were feeling because you are an amazon. Only Mary could understand.”

“Why did you agree to it in the first place?” Dean asked.

“Because I love your mom. And I was enamored with the idea of giving her the normal life she had always dreamed of. It was naïve but we were willing to risk it. We were both young and first time parents. We were bound to make some bad decisions, but having you wasn’t a bad decision. It really put our relationship to the test. Mary and I did have to do a lot of talking, we had to be brutally honest about everything.” Dean shifted his eyes to the side.

“That must have been hard, I know how much you both hate talking about your feelings,” he said and John snorted.

“Yeah. But that’s part of being in an interspecies relationship,” John joked and then he pointed at Dean. “Which brings us back to you.” Dean fought the urge to take a step back, knowing fully well that he wasn’t going to like what came next. “Talk to Cas, Dean. There’s always a chance.”

“I don’t know about that. I wish I had the courage, but Mom’s pretty much against the relationship. Says Cas wouldn’t fit in with us anyway.”

“With all due respect,” John interrupted that train of thought, “you _are_ old enough to make your own decisions. Mary’s just scared of messing up.” Dean shook his head in confusion.

“She wouldn’t be the one messing it up,” he argued.

“Of you getting messed up,” John amended but Dean’s phone started to ring so he didn’t have the time to think about that further.

He snatched the phone of the work table, but when the caller ID wasn’t his mom or Sam, Dean did a double-take.

“Speak of the devil.” The voice of his father right next to Dean’s ear made him jump and he shielded the still ringing phone, pressing the display to his chest. John lifted his eyebrow but then he backed off. “Aren’t you going to answer that?” Dean wanted to retort something clever, despite the frantic beating of his heart, but then the phone stopped ringing. Dean wanted to curse himself for not forcing his suddenly clammy hands to press the accept button, but not half a minute later the phone started ringing again. Dean looked at the display in surprise, but this time he quickly pressed the button and held his phone to his ear.

“Cas?” He was proud that his voice didn’t betray his nerves.

“Dean? Dean, I’m sorry that I’m calling.” That voice almost made Dean’s knees buckle. Man, he was a mess. “I wanted to give you time to call me if you wanted to. I was going to not call you. Even if you never called, because I knew you were having some internal struggle about the sex we’ve had, but this is- I’m sorry, I had to call you.” The barrage of words slammed into Dean’s ear and he couldn’t even get a word in to calm Cas down or ask what was wrong. It wasn’t like Dean was overly familiar with him from the couple of hours they spent together, but it wasn’t hard to tell that this frantic mood was uncharacteristic. “I hope I have the right number. This is Dean Winchester on the phone? It’s Castiel. Castiel Novak.”

“Yes, Cas. Hi,” Dean said. “What’s up, man?”

“I don’t know,” Castiel said, sounding exasperated. “Dean, do you have an STD?” Dean blinked at this question, turning his back on his father who was obviously trying to not look like he was listening in to the one-sided conversation. An STD? What the hell was Cas on about? Why would he ask Dean about a- Dean’s perplexedly swirling thoughts screeched to a halt and dread settled where confusion has just resided. Castiel continued talking.

“Something is wrong with me. I’ve been having issues for a couple of weeks now. Maybe you remember. The doctors can’t figure out what’s wrong. Maybe it’s something gastro internal, but they can’t find it. I’m already past being angry, Dean, I’m worried now. If you’ve been withholding an illness, that’s okay. If it’s an STD I would at least have clarity.”

That fucking word again. Dean wanted to throw up.

“Maybe we weren’t careful enough. I know we weren’t careful enough because this… This was the first time I did this. I think it was your first time too and I know we fumbled through it. The sex was still the best – I mean, it was better than what I imagined. But it got messy and rough. And I always told myself never forget condoms.” Dean didn’t know how but he was sitting on the floor, the phone was still pressed to his face, his knuckles hurt, his Dad was grabbing his shoulder, digging in his fingers. Frail human fingers. It didn’t even hurt. Dean barely felt it.

“Dean, I think I might be dying.” That one, dry, wretched proclamation cut through Dean and he rose to his feet, brushing past his father. He didn’t understand was going on, he didn’t even know exactly what he was feeling. But this was his fault. This was his responsibility. His case. And whatever he had done to Cas he would have to fix it. Castiel didn’t deserve this, neither the sadness nor the fear. And even if he was indeed suffering from a human disease that had nothing to do with Dean and his own affliction, then at least Castiel wouldn’t be alone.

“I’ll be there as soon as I can. Just sit tight,” he said.

“Dean you don’t-“

“I do. I really do, Cas. Just… Please. Tuck yourself into bed and rest,” he pleaded and he heard Castiel take a shuddering breath.

“It’s 3 PM. It’s a bit early for bed,” he finally replied and that sounded good enough for Dean.

“I’ll see you soon Cas,” he promised and once he got Castiel’s small sound of affirmation, he closed the phone.

“What’s wrong?” John asked.

“I’m not sure. Cas is sick and he sounded really spooked,” he confessed. John followed him out to the parking lot to the Impala. “Can I take the car?”

“Yeah, sure,” John said, but when Dean got into the car without an explanation, he put his hand on the roof and looked down into the window. “Son, is this something supernatural?”

“I… I don’t know.”

“So what? Are you just going to drive off without asking your mom for advice?” John asked sternly. Dean took his hand away from the ignition and groaned. He dropped his head to the steering wheel and just focused on getting his breathing under control. “I’m going to tell grandpa to keep an eye on the shop, alright? Then I’ll drive with you.”

“You don’t have to,” Dean protested because he didn’t need to be babied or supervised, but the way his hands shook when he tried to turn the key made him think that some support wasn’t bad. He looked into the rear view mirror, seeing grandpa Henry look out of the office window as John jogged up to him. He dropped his gaze and leant back in his chair.

This was just what Dean needed.


	4. Chapter 4

He really didn’t want to tell Mom. On the short drive back he repeated his plan in his mind: get a change of clothes, get his toothbrush, avoid his mom, don’t tell his mom, go. But she must have scented the anxiety in the air because she appeared in the doorway the moment Dean walked up the porch steps.

“What happened?” she asked. Dean kept to his plan for as long as it took to get into the living room and for John to grab Sam so they could do his homework up in his room.

“Castiel called me,” Dean admitted and after Mary had lowered her eyebrows warily, the rest came spilling out. “He asked me if I had a freaking STD. He’s sick and the doctors don’t know what’s wrong with him. He’s scared out of his mind.”

“I know you don’t want to hear it,” Mary started.

“So don’t say it!” Dean snapped but Mary shot him a warning look.

“I told you that you needed to be careful and that this thing with Cas would come to bite you, if you weren’t prudent and if you didn’t have clarity.”

“It’s fucking too late for clarity now!”

“Oh, you think so? If Cas didn’t want clarity then he wouldn’t have called you,” Mary challenged and Dean’s mouth snapped shut with a click. But her stern expression faltered. “This can’t be good.”

“Oh, you think so?” he griped and Mary didn’t even comment it, instead she crossed her arms over her chest and started pacing. “You should bring him here,” she decided and Dean dragged his palm over his face. “Don’t let him out of your sight. If this is something supernatural then we don’t want hunters finding out about it.”

“How the hell can this even be supernatural?” Dean asked. “None of my previous hook-ups ever had a problem. This can’t have anything to do with me, can it? With our curse?”

“What does your instinct tell you?” Mary asked calmly and Dean lowered his head in defeat. “Mine says the same.” Dean heaved a sigh, then he went to go pack, his stomach churning unpleasantly all the way through the task. He gave Sam a hug, waved his dad good-bye.

“Be prudent,” Mary told him and the word haunted him all the way to Castiel’s home.

* * *

 

Castiel opened the door and the first thing Dean noticed was that something was wrong. He couldn’t exactly tell what it was. Not the hair in disarray, not the circles under Castiel’s usually bright eyes, not the pale skin, not the smell of medicine and tooth paste. It was none of these things made Dean’s blood pump a bit faster and made his senses a bit sharper. But the air of wrongness, of supernatural energy that clung to him like a billowing fog caused the instinct in Dean to flare up.

“Hello,” Castiel said when Dean was just standing there in the door like an idiot with a sour look on his face. So Castiel turned around and walked back into his house, leaving Dean to get over his reluctance to enter. Dean clenched his hands into fists and stepped into the house, firmly closing the door behind him. A part of him wanted to turn the lock, trap them both. Trap Cas.

“Don’t let him out of your sight” his mother had said. If by some freak accident Castiel had been pulled into their curse, if Dean had somehow made Cas… wrong, then he would become a liability. Dean knew what his mother and grandmother would do in this situation. Dean did not turn the lock.

When he found Cas he was lying on the couch. He looked like someone who had decided to spend his weekend in front of the TV in their most ratty but comfortable pajamas, not like someone who was mortally ill. Dean sat down on the couch next to Castiel’s feet and despite his intense feeling of unease, he relaxed a bit when Castiel shifted so he could press his face against Dean’s shoulder and wrap his arms around his waist.

“Do you want to tell me what’s wrong?” Dean asked when it became clear that Castiel wouldn’t start.

“I don’t know more than what I told you over the phone,” he replied eventually and shifted so he could sit up. He wiped his hair out of his face and after a moment the miserable expression was replaced by something more composed. “I’ve been suffering from constant pain in my abdomen for a while. It started just with occasional discomfort, like when you’ve overexerted your muscles somehow, a burning, tearing kind of pain. Then came the occasional stabs of pain and the soreness all around the pelvic region. And then,” Castiel sighed deeply, “came the indigestion. At that point I decided to go to the doctor, but he didn’t really find anything wrong with me apart from a bit of a tender stomach. The pain had mostly stopped at that time and the problems with my stomach weren’t too terrible.”

“But it got worse after I’ve visited?” Dean asked and Castiel nodded.

“The stomach pain returned. With it a certain light-headedness and nausea. Mostly it hurts,” Castiel said. “And the doctors don’t know what’s wrong. Saying it’s stress. Maybe I should go to a specialist. Any specialist.” He turned to look at Dean and there was hope in his eyes. “Unless you know what it is? Some weird virus, or an STD?”

“I… I don’t have an STD, I’m sorry,” Dean replied, feeling foolish about it. Castiel’s face fell. “But maybe we can figure out what you’ve done, where you’ve been?”

“How is that supposed to help?” Castiel asked gruffly. Dean shrugged helplessly. He had to treat this like a case, but it was usually Mom who was good at talking to the victims.

“Just… let’s give this a shot. What have you been doing? Did anything unusual happen? Or uh… weird?” he tried, folding his hands between his knees and trying to look as helpful as possible. He had to get information out of Cas to try and figure out if whatever was happening was somehow Dean’s fault. It was an unfortunate reality that there was rarely only one species lurking around a city’s darkness. If the amazons were driven away, then something else would take their place. Could it be that something had happened to Cas?

“You mean anything but me having sex with you?” Castiel’s voice called Dean back out of his thoughts. “Because having sexual relations with a stranger was more than unusual for me.” Dean hoped Castiel didn’t notice how this made him flinch. “Other than that I followed my usual day to day activities; I worked, I went on the same route for a run as I’ve been doing for the last two years, I’ve shopped at the same grocery store, stopped for a coffee at the same bookstore as I’ve always done and I never did anything unusual like going on a date and ending up in bed with someone I just met again.”

“Well uh… good,” Dean said, unsure what to do with the sharp tone Castiel had used at the end of the sentence. Clearly Castiel had long determined that the only thing that stood out was Dean. Dean was the common denominator in all of this and he probably wasn’t wrong.

There was silence between them for a while but then Castiel turned towards Dean again. “I did see Lydia again though. We haven’t actually talked. I thought it would be awkward to try to say hello.” Dean balked at that. This has to be a coincidence. There were many women called Lydia.

“Lydia?” he asked, trying to swallow around the lump in his throat. Coincidence.

“She was the one I was waiting for when we met,” Castiel clarified and he must have interpreted Dean’s silence as disapproval somehow because he went on to explain: “I’m not really sexually attracted to women, but I was lonely. I thought a date would be fine. She seemed nice and I thought it was a good idea to get to know her. Maybe I shouldn’t have agreed to get drinks with her, because of the potential expectation of sexual intercourse afterwards. But I thought… maybe it could work anyway? Friendship I mean. I was willing to commit to sexual acts if she insisted I suppose. I don’t regret that she didn’t show up, because having sex with you was definitely better, simply because you’re a man and I find you sexually attractive. It didn’t help my loneliness, but it certainly helped reduce my awkwardness about having been a virgin in my mid 30ies.” Castiel continued talking, but Dean pretty much had toned him out after he found out that a woman called Lydia was supposed to be Castiel’s date.

“This Lydia,” Dean interrupted the one-sided conversation and opened a picture on his phone. It was a shot of Lydia of when they had been younger. She was smiling in the picture. Castiel looked at the screen in surprise.

“Why do you have a picture of her?” he asked, but then he lowered his eyebrows and looked up at Dean with something akin to suspicion.

“Dating app. Single ladies in the vicinity,” he lied but it didn’t exactly wipe the look off of Castiel’s face. He kept his phone in his hand and shifted in his seat uncomfortably. “Uh, hey you think you’d be fine for a second? I’ve got to make a phone call.”

“Sure,” Castiel said but didn’t stop staring at him. Staring wasn’t unusual for Cas, but the focus after all that wild babbling was rather disconcerting. So Dean took the chance and left the house, gently closing the door behind him, his phone already pressed to his ear.

 “Shit, shit, shit,” Dean muttered to himself until the phone stopped ringing. “Mom!”

“Hello? What’s wrong, Dean? Did you reach Cas?” his mother asked.

“I did and you know what? Lydia’s been sniffing around.”

“Lydia?”

“Yeah, Castiel was supposed to be her date of the night, before we crossed her clan’s plans and hers with it.”

“You’ve got to be kidding me,” his mother breathed and Dean was glad that she at least shared his disbelief. This must be one cosmic joke. “So he was picked by an amazon to be an offering to Harmonia. A father to a future amazon.” If Dean wouldn’t have run into Lydia that night, Cas would have been just another freak ritualistic murder headline. And there would be an amazon running around who probably had his blue eyes and his wild hair. Dean rubbed his trembling fingers over his mouth.

“Do you think that means anything? Could that affect Cas in some way? Are there any accounts of the men we saved dying anyway?”

“That’s really hard to say because we usually don’t know who the intended victims were. But if Lydia’s come back to that town, then something must be up.” Dean walked away from the door.

“It could be a coincidence,” Dean muttered but he didn’t believe it. He soon terminated the call, promises on both sides to look into this. If Lydia was around, then he could get answers out of her. He jogged to his car and checked in the hidden compartment for his gun and a fake ID just in case. He remembered the locations that he, Mary and Deanna had checked out during the last cycle and he carefully combed through all of them for a sign, anything.

By the time he checked their previous headquarters, it was just as deserted as it had been all those weeks ago. Nobody had been here for a while, the halls dusty and untouched. Dean cursed and kicked a chair for good measure. He checked the internet for some clues about out of season amazon activities and he hacked into some databases to look for an increase of about two dozen single women buying houses or renting apartments. Nothing but the sudden disappearances of a couple of women stood out. And Dean knew the names of all of them as the members of the clan that they had chased away. Dean shook his head, gave his mother a quick update and then called Cas.

“What,” he replied grumpily and when Dean saw the clock inside a diner he passed by he understood the hostile tone. He had been gone for four hours.

“Just checking in. And I wanted to tell you not to open the door to anyone.”

“Why?”

“Just trust me on this,” Dean told him.

“But I ordered something,” he complained weakly.

“Your fancy smoothie maker or whatever it is will have to wait for god’s sake!” Dean snapped back and instantly regretted it. There was silence on the other side of the phone.

“Fine. But why?” he asked and Dean got into the car.

“Just a hunch. Sorry, gotta hang up because I’m getting in the car. I’ll be with you in a couple of minutes. I’ll pick up a pizza on the way to make it up to you.”

“Alright then,” Castiel said and terminated the call. Knowing when he was dismissed, and probably rightly so, Dean put the phone away and started the car.

* * *

 

He had met her in a bar of all places. Dean felt Lydia’s presence long before they met each other’s eyes over the mass of people. She sat there all by herself, in a dark corner, wrapped in a too big coat, feet nervously kicking at a duffle bag. But her face never betrayed how rattled she was feeling.

He felt a thrill to meet someone like him that wasn’t his mother or grandmother, someone whose blood was calling to him. She was kin.

“Do you need help?” her eyes narrowed at him, slowly travelling down from his face to his flat chest and sliding over to his wrist, which peeked out of his shirt, unmarked by anything but light freckles. She had a mark on her wrist, still healing. She covered it with her palm, almost shamed.

“You are a…” despite her calm tone the incredulity in her voice was easy to spot. Dean simply nodded. They didn’t need to speak the word here. “How did you escape?”

“I was born outside the cult,” he told her and she studied him, calculating.

“I want out,” she declared and Dean could hear her kick the duffle bag lightly. He smiled in relief.

He had been short-sighted then, too desperate to find someone to connect to. He had trusted her because she was kin, like him, outside and apart. Messed up like him, dying for independence.

But when the mating cycle hit, they came for her and she never resisted.

* * *

                                                

Dean decided to stay. Even though there was no sign of Lydia or other amazon activity, Dean couldn’t shake the unsettling feeling that something was off. He sent a text to his mother to not expect him back too soon and shoot down offers of back up.

“Can I stay a while?” he asked Castiel once he returned with the promised pizza. Castiel had moved away from the couch and was back at his laptop. He was freshly showered and looked as inviting and wonderful as ever. Dean felt his heart beat quickly in his chest.

“Of course,” Castiel said distractedly, but he looked up from the screen when a plate of pizza came to sit next to his laptop. “Are you worried about me?”

“I want to know what’s wrong with you,” Dean told him.

“You look very guilty,” Castiel observed calmly, not taking his eyes off Dean. “But if it’s not a STD or a virus you transmitted, why?” Dean shrugged helplessly.

“I’m always leaving you,” he said and while it was deflecting from the actual reason, it was at least brutally honesty. “And I hate it. Leaving you behind. Leaving that potential behind.” Castiel bit into his pizza without saying anything. Dean hesitated, but then he reached out and carded his fingers through Castiel’s still slightly wet hair. “I want to make sure that you’re okay.”

“And to keep watch,” Castiel observed and Dean’s fingers stilled. “You said I wasn’t supposed to open the door to anyone.”

“Uh… Yeah… It’s just because of Lydia. I can’t explain but she’s bad news. It’s better if you stay indoors.” Castiel put down the pizza and turned around in his chair to look at Dean.

“I got a feeling that you are bad news too,” he retorted calmly. Dean huffed a mirthless laugh.

“Yeah. Can’t argue about that,” he said and let his hand drop to Castiel’s shoulder. He slowly let his palm glide over the curve of Castiel’s shoulder, the soft skin of his upper arm. He looked on as his finger ghosted down the rest of his arm, danced over his knuckles. A small mesmerizing circle before Castiel moved to trap his hand in his own. He never had stopped looking at Dean’s face. He was waiting for an explanation, patient and open. Dean opened his mouth, feeling his defense crumble, feeling the confession stuck in the back of his throat.

“Something is up but I’m not sure what it is. I can’t tell you, Cas. I’m sorry. I don’t have answers. I just know that I’ve got a bad feeling,” he said and for a split second Castiel seemed disappointed. Dean couldn’t help feeling the same. The air had been filled with the potential, the time would have been right to tell him the truth, but then he remembered what words would have had to leave his mouth. The truth was an ugly, shameful thing, a curse that crawled around Dean’s body.

“I got a bad feeling too,” Castiel eventually said and let go of Dean’s hand. This dismissal hurt more than the shame did. Castiel’s shoulders tensed and then he brought his folded hands up to his face. “It hurts.” Dean watched him hunch over, putting his elbows on the table while he rested his forehead against his fingertips.

“I’m going to get you a cup of tea,” he said because this was the only helpful thing he could think of. He filled the kettle and put it on the stove. It was silent now, even in his head, even though his stomach continued to be heavy. His eyes swept over the kitchen, over the clean counters, over the fridge which had a single magnet stuck to it in the form of a sunflower, over the cups, the single plate in the sink. This was a normal house, Castiel was a normal person. What right did Dean have to come barging in like this?

What had his dad been like, before Mom? A bright future as an academic, with a love for science and travelling. But then there had been Mom and then there had been Dean. Dean who broke through that hope of normalcy when he went from diapers and blond curls to scruffy jeans and gel in his hair in the span of 48 hours. A crash course on smashed dreams.

“Dean, the kettle,” Castiel said and Dean gave a start. Castiel had moved into the kitchen, standing so close that Dean could feel the warmth radiating off his body. He reached past Dean, poured the water in the cup, the steam rising up and making Castiel’s features look fuzzy for a swirling second. Fluid and otherworldly, like Dean. He put his hand on Castiel’s, forcing him to put the cup back down. Castiel kept his eyes on him, while he slowly moved his hand until the ceramic made a sharp sound as it came to rest on the wooden counter. He removed his arm, slowly and then Dean moved. He raised his hands to Castiel’s face, feeling a kiss of stubble under his palms. He didn’t speak, but he moved in, slowly. Castiel had time to move, but he only moved forwards, to meet Dean’s lips in a kiss.

“I’m so sorry,” he whispered against Castiel’s lips. “I’m not. I’m not good for you. I’m going to ruin this.” He grabbed Castiel by the waist, not forceful, just on the side of possessive though. “But god… I want it so much.”

“Alright,” was all Castiel replied, his voice strained, like he just wanted this as much as Dean did and damn the consequences, damn all the warning signs. Dean knew that this was not thought through, that Castiel didn’t know what he was even agreeing to. Dean didn’t know it either, but he followed Castiel to the couch, covered his body with his own, gently, gingerly. They moved against each other, hands under shirts and kisses between hot breaths and fumbling and grinding towards release.

Dean pressed his face against Castiel’s sweaty throat, feeling the rapid pulse against his forehead. Castiel’s ran his fingers through Dean’s hair and his hands were so gentle that Dean wanted to cry.

* * *

 

Dean woke up in Castiel’s bed, Castiel’s side of the bed empty. They had spoken almost no words, communicating only their lust and loneliness and starvation for touch. Sex was the only thing that they seemed to be sort of good at. There was always silence afterwards. He heaved himself out of bed, slowly getting dressed in the clothes that Castiel always somehow found the time to fold carefully for Dean.

He was pulling on his socks when Castiel came back into the bedroom, letting himself drop down back in bed with a groan.

“You okay there, buddy?” Dean asked and pulled on the second sock. Castiel rolled to the side and stared up at the ceiling.

“I think so. I had to throw up but it’s better now.”

“What?” Dean asked, worried now. “You sure you okay?” Castiel sat back up.

“I’m probably not okay, Dean. But I’m fine now,” he said and then he sighed, getting up to pull something to wear out of his wardrobe. “It’s like morning sickness,” he said with a small laugh. “If I were a woman there would be an easy answer to my discomfort.” He pulled a shirt over his head. “Or maybe not easy, but at least a manageable answer.”

Dean looked at him with wide eyes, fear spreading in the wake of Castiel’s joke.

“Dean? Is everything alright?” Castiel asked, when Dean hurried out of the bedroom, looking for his shoes. “Dean!” Castiel caught up with him once he was at the door, putting on his jacket. “Why are you always doing this?!” It was rare to hear Castiel sound angry with him.

“What?” Dean asked, feeling like a deer caught in the headlights.

“Running away!” Castiel snapped and Dean flinched. Castiel must have noticed because his entire posture became less rigid and hostile at once. He dropped his arms to his sides and sighed deeply. “I’m not making any demands on you. You don’t have to stay. But every time you leave me it still hurts.”

“I don’t mean to, I just…” Dean muttered, unsure what to say. The defeated look on Castiel’s face made him feel terrible. “I don’t mean to.”

“I know you don’t but you have to understand that I don’t feel your intentions, but your actions,” Castiel told him and Dean felt like a little kid being scolded. When Dean was not forthcoming with an answer Castiel sighed and turned away. After a while he could hear his computer switching on and the soft clacking of hands on a keyboard. Dean left.

* * *

 

Dean barely remembered the first hours. They were a flash of colors and sounds and pain that constantly rattled around his memory, like some broken piece of a machinery that had come loose and useless. Dean pondered about that now, distractedly, as he scrolled through his laptop in a diner. It was about a twenty minute walk away from Castiel’s home, close enough that he could come to his aid if Castiel called. But Dean had a sinking feeling that he wouldn’t even call if the roof was falling down on his head.

He remembered that look of disappointment, of a missed chance on the face of his parents too.

“We’re not going to indoctrinate him,” his mother had said, firmly, and grandma had agreed. He remembered his father, wide eyed and so young. All of them were giants at first, speaking in riddles but they became smaller and smaller as the hours passed, their rumbling sounds becoming words that Dean understood without being taught. He absorbed, relied on memories and knowledge written into the magic of his DNA.

“Why won’t he talk though?” John had asked, worried pacing never ceasing. “Is his body aging but his mind hasn’t caught up? He isn’t even crying anymore.”

Dean remembered that he was too confused to cry after the pain of his rapid growth had finally stopped.

Apparently Dean had never been a fan of talking, he mused, shaking his head to chase away the memory.

He didn’t remember much from that time, but he remembered the growing pains clearly. Was that was Castiel was feeling? Growing pains? Surely it was nothing. That off-hand comment about morning sickness, the pain in his stomach. Nothing. Just a fluke.

Dean was the amazon, he was the one with the womb (possibly) and with useless sperm (probably). There was no way that having sex could make Castiel become pregnant. Or grow a womb to make that possible in the first place. Sure, there were cases were monsters used human vessels to procreate, but not amazons. Two hours of research on magical pregnancies had made him almost lose his coffee and burger, but none of the symptoms Castiel had complained of matched. None of the activities Castiel recounted would have put him at risk. And amazons just didn’t procreate like this. Castiel was a human man, mid-30ies, successful, healthy and beautiful – he was just the kind of man an amazon would prey on (and Dean shamefully had to include himself there).

No, in amazon terms Castiel had been bookmarked as the sacrificial father, that poor son of a bitch.

Even if there had been some wonky sex magic involved, there was no way for it to affect Cas. It seemed much more likely that this would backfire on Dean, not on Cas. And hadn’t they used condoms anyway? Dean rubbed his eyes. This was going nowhere. He stared at his phone, no message from Cas. He took a gulp of his tepid coffee for strength and then grabbed his phone.

“You asked about STDs. Didn’t we use condoms? Just checking – Dean.” When after two minutes of staring he still didn’t have an answer, he tried to remember. Everything was pretty hazy. He remembered the discomfort, the heat, the urgency. The mating cycle. He didn’t even have to insist on condoms, because Castiel had them on him. When he gave him a blowjob, when they had sex. They had been careful that first time. But after an orgasm of two, the world had tipped into that frenzy that made Dean avoid having sex during the mating cycle. He remembered very little but pleasure, frantically chasing that high, grabbing Cas’ waist firmly, his fingers leaving imprints, Castiel’s nails leaving little crescents in his back. He didn’t remember. For fuck’s sake, he didn’t remember. The phone vibrated on the table and Dean slammed his palm onto it. After a moment he peeked at the screen through his fingers.

“No. I don’t know how it happened but I woke up more than once with your sperm in me.”

Shit.

He almost jumped when a new cup of coffee was placed down right in front of him and he looked up to find Lydia sitting down across from him. She smiled sardonically.

“Haven’t you been looking for me?” she asked and Dean narrowed his eyes at her. They were in a public space, so it was unlikely that she was looking for a fight. He still kept his hand close to his hip, so that he could grab his gun if necessary.

“I thought I had chased you away,” he replied with a grin. She pursed her lips and then took a sip of her coffee. “Why are you here? Surely not just to chat.”

“For the same reason you are,” she said and Dean narrowed his eyes. “I’ve been keeping an eye on you, Dean. You don’t exactly know how to keep a low profile, do you? You weren’t raised right.” Dean continued smiling at her. Lydia stirred sugar and milk into her coffee. “I was curious. Something is going on here. There’s simply something in the air that I could feel, even after you messed up our recruiting.” That was one way of calling it, Dean supposed. She took a sip of her coffee and then she looked at him, her eyes sharp, assessing. “Is there something particular about this Castiel person?” Dean tensed and he not so subtly shifted his arm. Her eyes followed the movement, along his arm down to the hilt of the gun she could see now.

“No,” Dean told her gruffly. “If you’re here to make up for the missed date, then I’m sorry to say that he’s not really into you.” He would have loved to relish in the words, petty as they were, but Lydia was in no mood to play. Neither was he.

“Possessive, aren’t you? Not typical for an amazon to get attached,” she said and let her eyes sweep down his body. “But you are hardly a typical amazon.”

“You weren’t exactly the perfect example of one too until recently,” he spat bitterly. Lydia shrugged, the movement forced, Dean could see that.

“I didn’t want to have a child, but there’s no choice for us. You don’t understand it, Dean. You were never initiated,” she told him sharply but Dean didn’t answer. “I didn’t want to have child but Castiel was mine. He was sweet, shy. I felt it a shame that he would have died, but he’s just a man. Expendable.”

“Get to the point,” Dean forced out and Lydia looked him in the eyes.

“It seems like an amazon got him after all,” she said calmly and Dean narrowed his eyes at her. “Now what?” The challenge in her words enraged Dean but he let go of the gun to put his arms on the table and lean close to her.

“I don’t know what kind of games you’re playing, okay?” he asked, his voice low and dangerous. “But you stay away from Castiel. Tell me what you want and disappear.” Lydia didn’t react to Dean’s anger with anything but by mimicking his position. They were too alike, Dean knew.

“The situation in the clan is strained thanks to your intervention. We haven’t been able to properly increase our numbers for two cycles. Other clans haven’t been faring better. It’s not like I care as much as I should. You know I like independence, but I can’t be a disgrace like you.”

“That’s praise coming from the likes of you,” Dean said with a crooked grin.

“I’ve merely come back here to stake out Cas. There’s always a next cycle and if it has to be a guy I want him.” Dean fought back the surge of possessive jealousy. “And maybe we need a new MO. Disperse. Make it harder for you lot to track us. Find ways to mate outside the cycle,” she said, dragging her nail up the back of Dean’s hand. “I’ve been keeping my eye on you too. Campbells, Winchesters, disgraced amazons, no better than hunters. And I stand by what I said.” She looked up at him, her eyes flashing as she wrapped her slim fingers around his wrist. “You will mess up. Maybe with Cas, maybe not.” Her breath was hot against his cheek. “I wouldn’t mind if you self-destruct. Draw the attention of a hunter who will look a bit closer.” She withdrew and calmly sat back in her chair. She finished her coffee and rose to her feet. “In regards to Cas?” Dean glared up at her. “Harmonia will take what is her due,” she said. “This is the curse. Nobody can escape it, not even you. You’re an amazon, Dean.” Dean was surprised to see her eyes soften slightly, the weight of something like regret and pity in them. “Wreak destruction upon men, strengthen our ranks, produce a daughter that is hopefully better than you. That is what you have to do. Maybe you weren’t indoctrinated into the clan, but that doesn’t mean that Harmonia’s eyes are not on you, that her blood and blessing don’t run through your veins.” She pulled a ten dollar bill out of her wallet and waved it around, before she put it on the table next to Dean’s coffee. “I chose Cas for the cycle and you thwarted my plans. But then,” she said with a tilt of her head, “you chose Cas in my stead.”

“What has Cas got to do with all of this, Lydia? He’s just a human,” Dean said and he didn’t conceal the desperation in his voice.

“He’s meant to be Harmonia’s sacrifice. And there’s nothing that you can do to stop it,” she told him, almost gently, then she turned around and left. Dean wanted to get up and slam her against the wall, force her to tell him everything she knew, wipe that pitying look off her face, get her to drop this fake compassion, this fake pity. But he had to let her go. She shot him a smirk before the door closed behind her.

Dean didn’t know what to do, agitation boiling under his skin, making him itch and making him want to scream. But in the end he took a deep breath and called Cas.

“Are you alright?” he asked before Castiel could even say hello.

“In a manner,” Castiel replied and Dean sighed. “Why?”

“Nothing, I just… Noticed I’ve been gone for a while,” Dean said. It was probably not a good idea to mention Lydia. “Nobody came to pester you?”

“No,” Castiel replied tersely, then he hung up. Dean probably deserved that. He dialed his mother’s number instead.

“How’s Castiel?” She asked after greeting him. He could hear her handling pots, it was probably dinner time. Had he really been gone for that long?

“Moody,” he said and then he quickly gave her a summary of what had happened, which pretty much ended with a long, tense silence on the other side of the phone.

“So Lydia claims he’s a sacrifice for Harmonia and you’re freaking out because you think he might be pregnant,” she summarized.

“It was probably nothing. He was just joking,” he said, but his mother didn’t have calming words for him.

“I’ll run this by your grandma. Maybe we can find something if we research in that direction. But you should really bring Cas in.”

“I don’t think that’s a good idea… I’ve already told him to stay indoors and he’s looking at me like I’m a crime boss already. I don’t think he’d agree to coming with me,” Dean confessed. He heard his mother draw a deep breath.

“He doesn’t really have a choice,” she said reluctantly and Dean instantly tensed.

“Mom, no,” he argued.

“I know, I know! But what if Lydia’s right? What if he draws the attention of hunters when he starts freaking out or if something else happens? What if he gives you away, Dean? Right now, the situation can be controlled, but it could quickly become precarious.” Dean shook his head. “Tell him the truth if you absolutely have to.”

“I doubt that’ll make him want to come any more,” Dean muttered. “But fine. I’ll try.”

“Good… I know this is hard for you Dean. I know you took a liking to him.” Understatement of the century, Dean felt.

“It’s already ruined. I might as well go all the way,” he said humorlessly.


	5. Chapter 5

Castiel was far from thrilled when Dean told him that it might be best to come with him.

“Just tell me why,” Castiel demanded, putting a small suitcase in front of Dean, who had been nervously pacing the living room. Castiel had taken Dean’s very mysteriously worded news stoically, but with a deep frown. It appeared that the hard part came now.

“To figure out what’s wrong with you, Cas. I know a specialist.”

“What kind of specialist?” Castiel challenged and Dean fumbled for words. Dean remembered Dr. Robert. If Castiel’s illness continued then he was maybe their only chance to figure out what was wrong.

“His methods are a bit unorthodox and it’ll cost us a limb and a half, but he considers every angle, no matter how unlikely,” he promised and Castiel just shook his head. But he let Dean put the suitcase in the car and followed him.

“You know, at one point you’ll have to explain,” Castiel said, once they stopped for the night, in a little run-down motel. Dean could have gone on, even made the drive without a stop, but Castiel had insisted, warning that he might throw up over the leather seats, if Dean didn’t stop when Castiel told him to. They were sitting on their respective beds with take-out containers in their laps. “Keeping me in the dark isn’t really doing my trust any favors.” Castiel said it like it was simply a fact, without judgment or disappointment in his voice. It was odd to come to learn that Cas could be very pragmatic. Even though he went with what Dean wanted of him, as if he somehow trusted that Dean knew what was best, he wasn’t being easy about it anymore. But Castiel was putting a lot of seriously misguided trust in Dean and he couldn’t take the guilt any longer.

“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you the truth,” he said and Castiel perked up instantly. The fork that had been on the way to his mouth stilled and he dropped it back into the container.

“Whether I believe you or not has to be my decision,” Castiel challenged, the interest in his expression obvious though. Before Castiel could imagine all kind of outrageous things while he was keeping his silence, Dean cleared his throat.

“Your almost date Lydia?” Castiel nodded. “She’s an amazon.” As expected Castiel lifted his eyebrow. “Not any fun kind of amazon either. They’re a cult of women, who have sworn their fealty to a goddess called Harmonia. The lore says that in exchange for power they have to do ritualistic sacrifices.”

“Okay,” Castiel said, without offering anything more than that. And sure, cults sounded realistic enough, even ritualistic murder was probably not all that weird in the great scheme of things. It was well within the realm of the believable.

“A clan works on a two year cycle. Every two years the members settle down in a city and select men with which they want to mate.”

“Mate?” Castiel echoed, apparently stumped on the word choice and Dean couldn’t blame him. Castiel put the take out container down on the floor and sat up a bit straighter.

“I mean that literal, Cas. Amazons are not human, at least not entirely. They are stronger than normal humans, they have mating cycles, with a 100% conception rate and children maturing within 3 days.”

“Wait-“ But Dean couldn’t be interrupted now.

“And as rite of initiation into the clan, the newly born amazon is branded and then sent out to kill her father. I have… I have evidence that I’m not just making this up, Cas. There are reports of these kinds of murders from all over the country, going back for decades.”

“And I was supposed to be the father of Lydia’s amazon child,” Castiel summarized and Dean widened his eyes at the collected way Castiel said it. It didn’t seem like he thought Dean was joking or making this all up. “And that’s why you told me to not let her in.”

“Yeah. I ran into her, wanting to know what’s up. All she told me was that you’re the selected offering to Harmonia. She was here to make sure that she could get you on the next cycle.”

“So you’re saying that I’m experiencing the side effects of being selected as a human sacrifice for some goddess,” Castiel said. Dean hardly dared to look at him, having decided to speak to his hands instead because they were less likely to freak out on him. There had been cases where he had accompanied his mother and grandmother and they had to tell people the truth about all the darkness that was out there. He had never been in the role of explaining the existence of the supernatural to anyone apart from answering Sam’s questions here and there.

“Dean?” Dean raised his head and found Castiel looking at him with inquiry in his eyes. “Is that what’s happening to me?”

“I… I don’t know exactly. I’ve never come across something like this before,” he confessed quietly. He dared to keep his eyes on Castiel, unsure if the usually quiet man would explode with outrage or denial any time. It didn’t look like it. Castiel merely looked pensive, with a displeased crease between his eyebrows. This was not what Dean had expected. He was counting on being ridiculed at best or having to force Castiel to come with him at worst. Quiet acceptance was surely not something he had counted on.

“Why are you so-“

“Are you a hunter?”

Dean’s mouth snapped shut at Castiel’s interruption. Dean’s thoughts could probably be summarized as confused white noise at that point. He opened and closed his mouth a couple of times, probably looking vaguely unattractive.

“I uh… no… my grandfather was a… huh?” The words coming out of his mouth probably didn’t make a lot of sense to Castiel, but he still reacted like he’d got a proper answer. How the hell did a soft-spoken editor know about hunters? The question burned at the tip of Dean’s tongue, especially once he had finally recovered from his surprise. By that time Castiel was already pressing his face into his upturned palms.

“I can’t believe I got into this. I thought I could keep out of it,” he muttered but Dean could hear him well enough. And that just made this whole exchange even more mysterious for Dean.

“You know about it? About the supernatural, about hunters? All of it?”

“Clearly not all of it!” Castiel snapped, rising his head to glare at Dean and the anger almost made poor Dean jump. “My first attempt at dating a woman turned into a disaster.”

“Yeah… Well, I guess that’s gonna turn you off women quickly, huh?” Dean tried to joke but only got another glare sent his way. He pulled his lips into his mouth because clearly joking was not a good idea.

“A sacrifice to Harmonia. What exactly does this mean? I didn’t father an amazon, did I? Does a simple touch suffice to mark me? I don’t think I even touched Lydia,” Castiel wanted to know, letting his hands hang between his knees.

“I don’t think so… But if your body is affected, then we should get it checked out just to be sure,” Dean told him. Castiel narrowed his eyes at him.

“Affected how?” he asked and Dean kept quiet. There was an answer in his silence too and Castiel, attentive as he was, seemed to be able to fill the gaps himself.

“You’re one of them too.” Dean heard the words hollowly and he was off the bed and out of the room before Castiel had the chance to say more. Before he had the chance to be disgusted or angry. He was leaning against the hood of his car, trying to breathe deeply through his nose, keep his mouth firmly shut so that he didn’t suck in sharp, loud gasps. This was the first time that anyone outside of his family or the clans found out. The first time a normal human learnt Dean’s secret. And what a terrible secret it was. He heard the door open softly and then the faint click of it being pushed shut. Dean didn’t think he could straighten up and face Castiel yet. He took a deep breath and then let his head drop a bit further.

“I bet you wished I was some crime lord instead.” He heard Castiel huff a laugh. Dean lifted his head and turned around to face Castiel. He was leaning against the rickety looking railing around the long porch connecting all the rooms. He was partially in the shadow of the awning, the light from the parking lot not quite reaching him.

“Contrary to a crime lord, a male amazon is hardly ordinary,” he said. “And you’re not a criminal. Are you?”

“I try to prevent poor bastards getting murdered by their kids, so I guess not.”

“I guess not,” Castiel repeated. Th ~~e~~ y were looking at each other in silence for a while. Dean had questions but to be honest he was exhausted and relieved at once.

“You’re taking this far better than I assumed you would.”

“I’m not exactly ordinary either,” Castiel said with a small smile, but when Dean didn’t press, he turned away and opened the door again. “Good night, Dean.” Dean only nodded, averting his eyes. There was the soft click of the door closing again and then Dean was alone. He leant back against his car and closed his eyes.

* * *

 

They didn’t talk on the rest of the way, Castiel’s mood not as light as the day before after he had spent most of the morning hovering over the toilet. This time Castiel didn’t try to put the blame for this on some easy explanation. He knew now that whatever ailed him was supernatural and serious. The levity and easy acceptance of the night before was now far more strained. Castiel didn’t know what it meant to be a sacrifice for Harmonia, and neither did Dean.

“You didn’t…” Castiel said not long before they were due to arrive. Dean’s eyes darted over to Cas. “Look at the road.”

“Sorry,” he muttered and waited for Castiel to continue.

“If you’re an amazon too, you didn’t intend to mate-“

“No,” Dean said firmly. “No,” he repeated and out of the corner of his eye he could see Castiel nod to himself. “You were there at the bar, you were alone. And you were beautiful.”

“Thank you.” Dean snorted. Yeah, ton of good his attractiveness did him. But Castiel didn’t say what they both knew to be true. Whatever was wrong with Cas, was most likely Dean’s fault.

* * *

 

When they wanted to, the Winchesters could look like a perfectly normal family. Mom, Dad and Sam welcomed them in, exchanging hand-shakes and polite introductions.

“I didn’t know you had a boyfriend!” Sam exclaimed eventually and Dean was surprised it had taken his younger brother until tea and pie were served to blurt this out.

“It’s none of your business, Sammy,” Dean reminded him, giving him a light shove that had Sam giggling and kicking out his legs before he sat back down properly, his side pressed again Dean’s.

Castiel was staying mostly silent during the pleasantry and all of the adults knew that this front wouldn’t be held up forever.

“So… What is it that you do?” John asked, somewhat awkwardly. Dean suppressed an eye roll. Dad had been a bit weird around Castiel for a while now, pretty much since “my name is Castiel Novak, pleased to meet you” had left his lips. He wasn’t impolite, because that wasn’t really dad’s thing, but it was obvious that he was tense.

“I’m an editor for Shurley Publishers,” Castiel answered and John nodded. “And… And you two, Mr. and Mrs. Winchester?” That got John to laugh and Dean couldn’t help exhaling in relief because the sound never failed to ease some tension in him.

“Come on, Castiel. You’re the same age as we are. Call us John and Mary,” John reminded him. “I know this is sort of a ‘meeting the parents’ situation, but if you stick to Mr. and Mrs. Winchester, it’ll just be weird.”

“It’s weird already,” Dean muttered, glad that Sam was distracted with some game he was playing on his phone. Mary shot him a disapproving frown.

“Very well,” Castiel agreed.

“I’m a mechanic. My father and I own a garage. Mary works in the secretary’s office of the local high-school,” John explained and smiled at his wife. “And… do you have family? Siblings?”

“My parents are dead and I don’t have siblings,” Castiel said and Dean turned to look at him. “I don’t exactly speak to the rest of my family.”

“Why not?” Dean wondered.

“Our family had a falling out after the death of my parents. About carrying on the legacy. I didn’t want to, so I left.”

“Ah, that sucks, man,” Dean said empathically and gave his shoulder a light squeeze. Castiel nodded at that and then a heavy silence settled in the living room.

“Sammy,” Mary started and the boy immediately looked up from his phone.

“Is it grown up talking time again?” he asked cheekily and Mary lightly pinched his side. The boy yelped and then jumped out of his seat with a giggle before she could pinch him again. “See you later, Castiel.” Castiel waved at him and once they heard Sam close his door upstairs, Mary sighed.

“Okay,” she said and Castiel straightened. Dean watched his knuckles turn white around his coffee mug, but it was the only indication that he was nervous at all. Dean still shifted a bit closer to him on the couch until their legs were touching. Castiel looked at him from the corner of his eyes but he didn’t react to Dean’s encouraging little smile.

“I assume Dean has filled you in. You know what we are,” Mary said calmly.

“I know that Dean’s an amazon and that you must be too,” he replied, then he looked at John.

“I’m human,” John retorted and put his arm around Mary and Castiel took this information silently.

“I’ve been informed that I escaped fathering an amazon child and being the victim of ritualistic murder. And that you think that whatever I’m suffering from currently is not medical, but magical.”

“Yes, that pretty much sums it up,” Mary told him and then she studied Castiel. “You seem to be taking this relatively well.” Dean considered speaking up, but if Castiel didn’t feel like divulging that he knew about the supernatural and hunters, then it wasn’t Dean’s place to bring it up either. Castiel did indeed remain silent. Dean knew that this happened. People got exposed to the supernatural all the time. Whatever had happened to Castiel in the past, it was probably a note in some hunter’s journal. But what was it? A ghost? Something worse? Mary sighed at his silence and lifted her hand to rub her forehead.

“Look, Castiel… Something is clearly happening to you but until we don’t know more facts, we can’t really help you.”

“May I inquire why I am here in that case?” Castiel said and put his mug down on the coffee table. The dull thud of it touching on the wood made Mary frown down at the table and then up at Castiel.

“For safety. If you’re here we can keep an eye on you,” Dean suggested, looking at his mother for confirmation. Mary kept her eyes on Castiel.

“Usually men don’t survive an encounter with an amazon during the mating cycle. I think it’s clear to both of you that while our intervention prevented Lydia from getting to you, you did indeed have sex with an amazon during his mating cycle.” Dean flinched at that and felt his cheeks burn up. “It seems unlikely that Lydia’s simple intention to mate with you could make Harmonia’s curse affect you. Relations with Dean however, are a different matter. We don’t know any other male amazon and therefore we have nothing to go on. We simply have to wait and see.”

“Mary...,” John injected but both Dean and John knew that expression on Mary’s face. She was trying to protect her family and no matter how much Dean wished her to stop talking or how much John put his hand on Mary’s, Mary wouldn’t be deterred.

Castiel took the frown that was being sent his way stoically and Dean couldn’t quite imagine sitting in his place, a victim, suffering, scared of what was to happen and being so silent.

“But you can’t stay here. Whatever will happen, it’s possible that it will draw the attention of hunters to our family. And hunters rarely ask questions. If they find out about us from you, then they would kill me, kill Dean too. They might even kill Sam just to be sure.” Castiel didn’t say anything.“There’s a cabin that belonged to my father. It’s best if you retreat there. Dean will keep watch.”

“What?” Dean stammered. “Why can’t we just go to my apartment? He’ll be safe there!”

“And Castiel will be able to just walk out,” Mary shot back and that made them stare at her with an open mouth. Mary’s firm expression cracked when she saw the look of disbelief on her son’s face. She sighed shakily and turned towards Castiel, who still had to say anything.

“I don’t think this is a good idea,” he insisted. “I will probably need medical attention.”

“Dean’s good at first aid,” Mary said and while it wasn’t a lie, this was far above Dean’s pay grade.

“I’m not talking about first aid,” Castiel retorted. “And I need internet and a phone because even though this is happening, I still have a life. I still have work.”

“I’m sorry Castiel, but while this is happening, you don’t have a life,” Mary told him and there was regret mixed into her voice. “This is the nature of the supernatural. It snatches you out of your life.” Dean could feel Castiel shift next to him and while Dean had kept his eyes on his mother, he now turned to face Castiel. There was an expression on his face that Dean had never seen before. He was pale, his eyes slightly widened and his lips pressed together. It was like he was charged up with electricity that made Dean’s arms break out in goose bumps.

“I’m sorry that I have to be so harsh, Castiel. I know we are the villains here. Dean and I, we are the monsters,” Mary said and Dean flinched at that, “but I have to protect my family. Humans are dangerous to us. There’s no guarantee that you won’t do something that exposes us. And I can’t risk this. Staying at the cabin until we know more is our safest bet. Ultimately it might be better for you too, because if something supernatural is happening to you that might be grounds enough for a hunter on your trail to kill you too.” Castiel studied her silently, but then he got up from the couch. Dean rose to his feet too, alarmed.

“This is ridiculous,” Castiel said and stared down at Dean’s parents. “I have been accepting and calm throughout this absurd situation. Now you want to lock me up because you categorically think that all humans are a danger to you. From my side of things, I must say that the only danger that has befallen me was from an amazon. I’m no danger to you or your family, Mary. You’re working merely on hypotheses of my supposed flight risk. But may I remind you that I’m the one who now has to deal with an actual, imminent threat?” He gestured towards his body. “I don’t know what’s happening and this is terrifying. But instead of trying to find some solution you decided to lock me away instead?” Castiel shot a look at Dean and then he grabbed his coat from the back of the chair. “I think I might be better off finding a solution on my own.”

A couple of things happened at once. Mary shot up from her chair and while she was scared and ashamed, her eyes flashed red. At the same time Dean almost stumbled over the coffee table because he didn’t know if he should stop his mother or stop Castiel and then the coffee table reared up. All the china rattled, dropping to the carpet, spilling tea and coffee grounds and pie crumbs, building a barrier between the Winchesters and Castiel. Then silence fell. Mary’s hair fell around her face in golden waves, her eyes still blood red, but the expression shocked. John was standing up too, but his face was calm and Dean didn’t know how he could be calm like this because Castiel was standing in the door way, his hand held out. It took a moment for it to click, but when it did Dean almost laughed at the situation.

“Holy shit!”

“What’s happening down there?” the small voice came from Sam who was sticking his face through the banisters at the stairs.

“Nothing son. Just spilled some coffee, go back to play,” John insisted because no one else got their mouth to open. Castiel was slowly backing away, lowering his hand but the table remained where it was and his eyes connected with Sam’s interested ones.

“Okay,” Sam agreed and went back to his room. Castiel shot Dean a look, his expression helpless, scared, ashamed. But then he turned around and left the house, the door slamming after him.

“He can’t get far,” Dean heard his father say, his calm voice cutting through the pounding of blood in Dean’s ears. He looked over his shoulder and saw John put his hands on Mary’s shoulders. “Dean drove him here. Don’t worry.” John lifted his eyes and looked at Dean. He gave him a nod and then Dean grabbed his coat and followed Castiel.

* * *

 

Dean’s thoughts were still an unintelligible jumble by the time he caught up with Cas. He gave him a tense silent treatment while Dean walked next to him. He didn’t know what to say or where to even start.

“Well… That was probably the weirdest meet the parents ever, huh?” he mumbled, forced levity falling flat. As expected, Castiel didn’t acknowledge him, not even with a snort. They were walking in the general direction of Dean’s apartment, but on foot it would be a long way. “I’m sorry about my Mom… She means well, but she can get narrow-minded when her family is in danger.”

“Her family is not in danger,” Castiel said tensely.

“I know that, Cas. Not from you. I get it…” Dean replied and Castiel came to a stop. He looked at Dean and tilted his head.

“You’re not gonna ask?” Castiel said and Dean didn’t have to guess what he was getting at.

“About your apparent psychic abilities?” Dean asked and Castiel narrowed his eyes silently. “I’m totally gonna ask, Cas, but I thought this wasn’t the time for it.”

“Hm.” Dean stuffed his hands into his pockets, at a loss.

“Do you want to come back to my place and maybe talk about it? It’s probably better than hanging out at my parents’ home.”

“I doubt your mother will let me go home,” Castiel said and Dean shrugged helplessly. Castiel sighed. “Okay.” Dean smiled at him and dared to pull one hand out of his pocket to wrap his arm around Cas.

* * *

 

Castiel was silent. Silent when they walked back to his parents’ house, silent when he saw Mary look out of the window, a mixed expression on her face, silent when Dean drove them out of the suburbs and to his apartment. Dean was glad that he was generally a neat person, because no matter the circumstances, letting Castiel into a mess would be embarrassing.

“It’s not much to look at, but it’s big enough for me,” Dean said of his humble abode. Castiel didn’t say anything about that either. He took the offered water with a nod and drained the glass before he looked even halfway ready to talk.

“You’re human, right?” Dean asked eventually, motioning for Cas to sit on the couch with him. “We don’t have to take anything else into account when we try to figure out how to help you?”

“I’m human,” Castiel agreed. “My family is…” He was looking for a word.

“Gifted?” Dean offered and received a small shrug.

“I suppose. Both of my parents were more involved with the supernatural world. Enough that they died.”

“Were they hunters?” Dean asked.

“No. Through them and the people who came to investigate the death of them I knew about hunters. Back when I was young, I was fascinated by the fairy tales my parents always told me. They didn’t make the supernatural world seem scary, but wonderful, like the world was bigger and brighter for those who knew that there was more than just humans out there.”

“Yeah, that sounds awfully idealistic.”

“They were. When I learnt about all the bad things happening that my parents simply toned out, I decided that I wanted nothing to do with it anymore. When my parents died I gave up trying to use my gift because I didn’t think it could be any good. My powers only come out when I’m upset, when I’m calm I don’t manage to move anything. This _gift_ wasn’t strong enough or precise enough for me to notice that neither Lydia nor you were human.”

“Well I am… I am sort of human. Amazons aren’t like other monsters. The circumstances of our birth and our early life are all messed up, but I’m not… Like a vampire or a werewolf or whatever else is out there.” Dean shook his head. “You couldn’t have known.”

Castiel turned the empty glass around in his hands. Dean watched his fingers, slender and with clean nails. It was hard to imagine them doing anything but tap away at his computer or curl around a cup of tea. It was impossible for him to think of these hands doing anything but gentle motions. He knew the feel of these fingers and Castiel’s warm palms, on his chest and on his back, his fingers intertwined with his own. He looked up from his fingers to study Castiel’s face, dark circles under his bright eyes, a crease of worry between his brows.

Dean knew nothing about this man but his kindness and how much he had craved his touch.

“You’re the only one who I ever told about what I am,” he blurted out and wanted to kick himself right afterwards. Castiel however looked up at him in confusion.

“That doesn’t surprise me,” Castiel said and somehow that stung. “You didn’t _want_ to tell me either.”

“No, I didn’t. I mean… I mean I did want to tell you. But I didn’t want to ruin what we had,” he confessed and then he let his head drop forwards with a sigh. “I was just working myself up to it. I knew I couldn’t just tell you without getting to know you better. But I couldn’t get to know you better without telling you the truth about me. I was at an impasse. Which is why I… Uh… Was bad about keeping in touch with you.”

“I assumed you kept your distance because I was too clingy,” Castiel mumbled to Dean’s surprise.

“Too clingy? No, Cas,” Dean told him firmly.

“I know that when people pick others up at a bar, that usually ends up being a one-night stand,” Castiel said, almost as if he hadn’t heard a word Dean had said. He folded his hands between his knees. “I didn’t want just that… I wanted more from the moment I woke up next to you in the morning. I know this was foolish of me. But I could pretend. That we were a couple. That you wanted to stay.”

“Cas, Cas,” Dean said, hoping to interrupt him before the sadness in Castiel’s eyes spilled over. Castiel was slow to turn his head and even slower to meet Dean’s eyes. “I wanted that too,” he admitted quietly. Castiel looked at him silently and then he gave a minute nod before he averted his eyes again.

“I wish things would have gone differently,” he admitted and Dean tensed.

“I did ruin it, didn’t I?” he finally asked and Castiel wiped his face. “Cas, I’m so sorry that my irresponsible behavior dragged you into this. I never wanted this for you. I just wanted things to be normal for once.”

“I know, Dean,” Castiel said, but didn’t say what Dean so desperately wanted to hear. That this wasn’t over, that he hadn’t ruined this fragile thing between them. Of course, he knew that he had. The silence stretched between them and Dean rose from the couch to go into the kitchen. He poured himself a glass of water, resisting the urge to slam it against the wall. But he wasn’t angry enough to be able to enjoy that short but sweet satisfaction. He was tired, strung too tight for so long. He stared into the sink, feeling nauseous, feeling his eyes burn.

“Dean?” Castiel’s soft voice made him turn around. He was standing in the door, not quite stepping in. He didn’t comment on Dean’s probably splotchy face and his too red eyes. “You’ll help me, won’t you?” He asked and Dean looked at him in confusion. “You won’t abandon me?” Dean’s chest ached. He crossed the short distance and wrapped Castiel in his arms.

“I won’t… I’ll do everything I can to find out what’s wrong with you and help you solve this,” he promised and pressed a gentle kiss into Castiel’s unruly hair. And even though his heart felt heavy with the knowledge of what he had to do, he felt okay. For just a little while, here with Castiel in his arms.


	6. Chapter 6

Dean expected that his parents would come knocking at his door sooner rather than later, but he watched a day slowly pass, the light casting his guest in a changing glow and shadow, as Castiel sat in his living room. He wasn’t talking to him and whenever Dean looked up from the table in the kitchen, his focus was on his laptop. Dean knew that he should be grateful that Castiel chose to follow his unvoiced plea to stay. Dean dropped his eyes to the notes on the kitchen table and then swept past them to his mobile phone. Maybe mom gave them space now, but he didn’t doubt that she was serious about not wanting Castiel to leave.

He looked up when he heard a rustle from the living room. Castiel was rubbing his forehead, but then he got to his feet and left for the bathroom. The walls were thin enough for him to hear Castiel throw up and he clenched his hands. He knew he had to talk to Castiel about his suspicion. But he also knew that adding this to the pile of crap that had happened to Cas in the last couple of hours might not be such a good idea.

Castiel came into the kitchen, looking pale and irritated. He filled a cup with water and drank it wordlessly. Dean watched him, debating, until Castiel caught his staring.

“Are you okay?”

“I don’t think so,” Castiel replied curtly and Dean lowered his head. “I keep on throwing up, but I feel like I could eat an entire pizza.”

“Maybe you’re a Rugaru,” Dean tried to joke as he added that to a list of symptoms he had written down recently. He was trying to compare it to anything in their records, but for a species that had been around for two thousand years, the Amazons had left very few obvious traces.

“That’s not funny, Dean,” Castiel replied grouchily and walked out of the kitchen. Dean shifted in his chair, so he could watch Castiel letting himself fall onto the couch.

“You know what a Rugaru is?” Dean asked in surprise and Castiel shot him a look, but didn’t give him an answer, leaving Dean to wonder. After a moment he recalled Castiel’s previous statement. Maybe a pizza would help to even the way for… the truth. Or for a possible lead. Dean looked down at his notes and flipped the pages of his journal until he saw a battered business card attached to a page. Dean’s stomach gave an uncomfortable lurch at the thought. He flipped the journal shut and got up. Castiel was looking at him with curiosity as he watched Dean put on his shoes and a coat.

“I’m going to get you something to eat. You sure about that pizza?” Dean asked and Castiel rose to his feet. “You want to come along?” Castiel must have heard the insecurity in Dean’s voice because he sat back down instantly, his expression cloudy. Dean sighed and sat down on the armrest of the couch. “Sorry, that came out wrong.”

“At least being locked up here is preferable to some cabin out in the woods where I can get eaten by a Rugaru.”

“Nah, Rugarus prefer urban regions because-“ Dean’s mouth snapped shut when he saw Castiel’s expression, which was another syllable away from an eye roll. “Okay. But maybe it’s better if you come along anyway? I don’t think anyone’ll come looking for you but locking you into my apartment doesn’t quite feel right.”

“That is because it isn’t,” Castiel said but got up and grabbed his coat. “So a Rugaru could come eat me here.”

“Yes, but unlikely. They’re very rare. I think they’ve been extinct in America for a while now. My apartment complex is safe,” Dean said, opening the door for Cas after he had a quick look into the corridor. “Though I’m not so sure about the guy who lives a floor below. He gives me some odd vibes. Grins at me like I’m a piece of meat.”

“Maybe he’s into you. You’re very good-looking,” Castiel offered and Dean laughed at that, following Castiel down the flight of stairs. “Can’t you sense other non-human people? Or magic?”

“I certainly didn’t notice it on you,” Dean said and opened the door. A shiver went down his spine and he looked to the side. At first he saw nothing, but then the blonde bob of Deanna was raised above a book. She looked at him and then slowly raised a cup of coffee to her lips. She was sitting in the small coffee place across the street. He sighed in relief.

“That’s because I can’t even move a salt shaker, I told you,” he heard Castiel say and turned his attention back to him. Castiel was pushing his fingers into the pockets of his coat.

“Uh, yes… I do notice other amazons. It’s like we’re on the same frequency or something,” he said and walked next to Castiel. He looked over his shoulder and saw his grandma was putting on her jacket, stowing her book in her bag. She was going to follow them. Great.

Grandma kept her distance but Dean still felt tempted to send her a snappish text. They were just going to get a pizza. The place was a 10 minute walk away, tops. When they reached it Castiel looked much better than before, a tentative smile back on his lips.

“Do you really need to have been to their realm if you want to see fairies?” Castiel asked when he pushed the door open.

“Yeah, otherwise you’ll only see them if they want to be seen. But if you’re not a first-born they can’t abduct you. They’re very particular about it. Most of them kinda have a code like that.”

“Amazons too?” Castiel wondered as Dean handed him the menu. With Castiel temporarily distracted Dean looked over his shoulder again. He could feel his grandma nearby but he couldn’t see her through the window front of the pizza place.

“I don’t really know, because I wasn’t indoctrinated,” Dean replied quietly. Talking about this in public when everyone could hear was never a good idea. Hunters could have their ears anywhere. Castiel seemed to want to ask more, but Dean put the menu down. “Sorry, I’ve got to make a phone call. Could you get me something?” He asked. Castiel looked at him in surprise, his mouth open, but Dean was already making his retreat. “Just… keep as little vegetables on it as possible,” he added. Castiel sighed at that but nodded. He went outside and didn’t have to search long to find his grandmother. She was leaning against the wall, pretending to read on her phone while waiting for a pizza like some other people. He stepped up to her and she let the phone disappear into her pocket.

“Grandma,” he hissed, trying not to catch anyone’s attention. But he’d already been careless, so what was one more mistake. Grandma looked like she was in her 40ies, hardly any older. People easily accepted Sam being her grandson, but Dean was used to being introduced as her son or son in law, whatever suited them better. “What are you doing here?”

“Mary was worried and so was I. We just wanted to know that you guys are safe,” she said kindly and Dean groaned. He was already angry at his mom, he didn’t really want to continue spreading his annoyance up the family tree. “That was Cas? I thought he’d be shorter. Maybe somewhat of a twink.”

“Ugh, why!” Dean protested until he hear Deanna laugh.

“I’m joking. We Campbells have a thing for tall, dark haired beauties.”

“Grandpa was bald.”

“Not always,” Deanna admonished with a wink and Dean rolled his eyes. She crossed her arms over her chest and looked towards the door. “What do you plan on doing?”

“Mom wants me to sit and wait until this thing blows over,” he grumbled. “But I can’t just hope for the best. I need to do something.” Deanna nodded.

“But I heard there’s a new component to consider,” she said and Dean snorted. “Dean, his powers might be an angle to investigate. Your dad certainly does think so too.”

“Yeah, but I care about making sure that Cas is alright. This whole potential pregnancy thing freaks me out.” Deanna nodded with a look of understanding, bordering on pity. “I know someone. A contact of Grandpa’s.”

“A hunter contact? I don’t know if that’s a good idea,” Deanna said but Dean shrugged.

“It’s the best shot we have. He’s a doctor and if I pay enough he’ll at least have a look into Cas. That’s what Mom and you wanted for me for a while now, right? So, I found someone.”

“Yes, but we wanted it for you, bean,” she said kindly, reaching out to squeeze his shoulder. “But okay. Should I escort you?”

“I don’t think that’s necessary. Cas won’t run and I’m not useless.”

“No, you’d make a damn fine hunter,” she said with a rueful smile. “Your boy’s coming,” she said. “I’ll tell your mom. But if you’re going to be a long way off, then you can be sure that one of us is driving after you,” she said and it sounded almost like he’d get a scolding if he didn’t agree, so he kept his mouth shut. Deanna gave a nod and then she turned the other way, walking away casually. Just in time for Castiel to come out, carrying two boxes.

“What do you think about pie?” Dean offered before Castiel could ask anything.

“That sounds fine,” Castiel agreed and followed Dean.

* * *

 

“I knew you were trying to prepare me for something,” Castiel stated once there was pie and coffee in front of him. “You were indulging me.”

“I’m a very indulging person,” Dean said defensively. “I like spoiling my… I don’t know. Conquests I suppose.” Castiel snorted. “Shut up and eat your pie.” Castiel did that for a while, allowing Dean to gather his wits.

Dr. Robert was their best bet now. Dean didn’t want to go there, he really didn’t, but if it meant that they could at least narrow down the list of potential problems, that was something. Dean had already burdened Cas with too much, so the least he could do was to stow his crap and drive him there.

“My grandpa was a hunter,” Dean finally started, not sure if this was even the best way to begin, “and I found the contact information of a guy with him. He’s a doctor.”

“Yes, you told me. A doctor who will consider all options,” Castiel said and Dean nodded. “So that wasn’t just talk?”

“No. And the option I want him to rule out or…. Confirm,” he darted Cas a look but he was still calmly eating his pie. How the hell should he say this?

“What?” Dean rubbed his forehead and sighed.

“I want him to find out if you’re pregnant,” he said and kept his eyes on Castiel to see his reaction. Actually, there was none, unless unblinking staring counted.

“That makes no sense,” Castiel finally said, though he remained pretty stoic.

“I know, but… your stomach troubles, the pain? The vomiting?” Dean offered and Castiel put the plate of pie on his legs. “I am an amazon and amazons breed. Maybe you’re growing a womb. Or maybe you’re already growing more than that. What if…” Dean licked his lips and inched a bit closer to Cas, but didn’t dare touch him yet, in case he lost that apparent calm. “What if having sex with me makes you grow a womb? It made you ready for me. We weren’t careful enough, right? What if that was enough? For this… This weird stuff to happen?”

“That’s preposterous,” Castiel said, narrowing his eyes. Dean groaned in frustration.

“Cas, everything about being an amazon is preposterous! This is not logic, not proper biology. It’s a deal with a pagan goddess. It’s magic. My mom’s pregnancy lasted 36 hours. I’ve heard about labors that took that long! And I grew up to be 16 in 3 days. Fuck, Cas. Nothing about us is normal!” Castiel looked at him with a pinched expression. After a while of deliberation he placed his plate on the table.

“I think I should be getting drunk for this,” he said and while Dean wanted to argue that this was hardly a good idea, Dean had also tried to cope with alcohol once upon a time. But there was only one beer around, hardly enough to get drunk. Castiel didn’t complain though, sitting down at the kitchen table, with the beer in his hands. He drank it swiftly but remained sitting there for a long time.

* * *

 

Dean gave a start when Castiel plopped down into the chair at the kitchen table with a groan. He turned to look over his shoulder, halfway done preparing a breakfast. It was 6 AM, hardly a time to be awake according to Dean, but his head had been so heavy with thoughts that he gave up on sleep. Castiel had taken the blanket from the guest bed and as that tended to be Sam’s room, Dean was barely able to stop a giggle when he saw Cas wrapped up in a Wall-E blanket. The one with the puppies that was in the closet would have fit better. But he refrained from commenting because ‘misery’ was practically written over Castiel’s face.

“I’m not sure yet I’m willing to believe that this is a pregnancy,” he said and that was at least a compromise, Dean supposed. “But whatever it is, it’s getting worse.” Castiel frowned when Dean offered him a plate of scrambled eggs. Dean quickly exchanged it with a bowl of cereals that Castiel seemed relatively happy about. “What did you say how long an amazon pregnancy lasts?”

“36 hours on average. Amazons can handle the stress that this puts on their bodies.”

“I’m not an amazon,” Castiel said.

“Yes… Thank you, Sherlock,” Dean deadpanned and Castiel shot him a venomous glare. “Sorry. Yeah.” Dean said with a sigh and lifted his hands in supplication.

“So your mom was pregnant for 36 hours,” Castiel said.

“Yes… But not with Sam. They had hoped that if an amazon doesn’t pledge herself to Harmonia, the chances would be slimmer to give birth to another amazon. My grandma and mom assume that if Sam does have any superhuman powers we would probably not see them before he turns 16.”

“How was it to grow up within three days?” Castiel asked and Dean tensed.

“Painful,” he said and Castiel looked at him in surprise. “And don’t even ask about the first mating cycle. That was hell.”

“Then I won’t,” Castiel agreed but then he tilted his head like he was considering something. The stirring of his spoon inside the cereals stopped.

“How old are you anyway, Dean?”

“29,” Dean muttered and Castiel lifted his head. “Look, I’m not a child.”

“I know that you’re not a child. There seem to be a couple of immature impulses in you,” Castiel said and Dean frowned at him in displeasure. “But I don’t doubt that you’ve also got the mental capacity of an adult. So I’ll try not to feel like a creep.” Dean hesitated. Maybe it would be nice to be honest with someone for a chance.

“I was born in 1994,” he said and for a while Castiel didn’t react at all, but then he groaned and let his head drop.

“I was wrong. I do feel like a creep now.”

“Cas, no! Come on.”

“You’re a teenager!”

“You think I don’t know that!” Dean retorted, feeling anger bubble up in him. “I fucking know, okay!” The tone got Castiel to look up again, his expression surprised.

“I’m sorry,” Castiel said, sounding more surprised and confused than actually sorry. “I didn’t mean to question your ability to make choices like an adult.”

“ _Thank you_ ,” Dean said, still not managing to take that edge of aggression out of his voice. Castiel remained silent for a while, allowing Dean to get a hold of his shame.

“So… What about this doctor?” Castiel asked by the time Dean had cooled down enough to have an apology on the tip of his tongue.

“Oh… So you’re considering going?”

“Of course,” Castiel replied and Dean flipped the journal lying next to his plate open. He pulled out the worn business card.

“I can call him. See if he’s still in business and willing to see us.” Castiel nodded to that. Dean got up from the table but before he could leave the kitchen, he turned around again. “Look, Cas… I’m sorry… Everything about being… you know, not human, is kind of a touchy subject and I don’t really get to talk to anyone about it but my parents. And I don’t really talk about how any of this makes me feel with them either.”

“I understand,” Castiel said and turned to look over his shoulder. “You’re not the only one who had to keep supernatural things about him quiet for years. Why do you think I’m so lonely?” Dean felt his already low spirits taking a dive towards depressed at that.

“We’re quite a pair, aren’t we? A couple of lonely, messed up guys.”

“I don’t know about you, but I’m not that messed up all things considered,” Castiel said and showed him the first smile of the day. Dean couldn’t help smiling back. “I’m going to take some of your eggs after all.”

“Sure. But if you’ll throw up in my car later, I’ll kick you out.”

“Hmpf,” was all Castiel said and Dean left the kitchen to make the call.

* * *

 

If the icy assistant had remembered Dean or the kind of trouble he explained, she didn’t give any indication. The price for the consultation had almost doubled, which the woman had explained with a sneered “the economy”. That she even felt the need to explain, at least implied that she remembered the shivering wreck that had thrown up into her miserable plants 8 years ago.

Of course, Deanna had intercepted him when he went out to get something from the fancy, expensive bakery for Cas. And as expected, he received a phone call from his mom the moment he got back home.

“I don’t think it’s a good idea for you to go alone,” she started.

“Mom, this will be difficult for Cas. Don’t you think he’ll feel worse if you and grandma are hovering around us all the time?” Dean argued and he heard his mother sigh.

“I know I was harsh to him… He probably won’t want to see me,” she lamented and she did seem genuinely upset.

“Cas seems to be pretty understanding,” Dean told her, “but a bit of trust that he won’t run away and draw the attention of every hunter would probably help.”

“But what if it’ll turn out that he is pregnant? Don’t you think he’s a risk?”

“I doubt it. He’s got powers too, mom. He probably doesn’t want anyone sniffing around and asking questions. And I’m sure Dr. Robert is the type of guy whose silence can be bought,” Dean tried to calm her. “And if anything seems suspicious I’ll contact you right away.”

“Okay, Dean,” Mary finally agreed. “And if anything happens you’re close to uncle Bobby’s place.”

“If you’re insinuating that I should lock him in his panic room – which, by the way, I still don’t believe exists – then you just lost cool mom points.” Mary laughed at that.

“Just be careful. We don’t know where the clan dispersed to until the next mating cycle. If you’re seen then you’ve got to go into hiding,” she told him seriously. Dean nodded to himself.

“I promise,” he reassured her. “Anything new on your side though?” Mary’s annoyed huff came through the line.

“I wish. If there were other male amazons before you, then they left no traces. There are no records. Mom suggested that the clans abandoned male children or disposed of them,” she said and Dean didn’t find that hard to imagine. “That uninitiated amazons can have male amazon children has been proven, but it’s possible that initiated amazons can only have female children. That was the deal with Harmonia after all. A sacrificed man equals another female warrior.”

“And it doesn’t seem like there are many amazons who weren’t initiated,” Dean mused and gave a nod when Castiel came into the kitchen, following the scent of fresh baked goods. Dean inclined his head towards the paper bag and Castiel went to rummage inside it.

“I doubt it. The harsh punishment for leaving behind the clan is probably enough of a horror story to turn young, impressionable teenagers away from it.”

“But I don’t understand how killing someone can seem preferable,” Dean muttered.

“The clan can be very persuasive. Otherwise they wouldn’t have turned Maggie against dad. She was with them for such a short time and _still_ she was willing to kill him,” Mary said quietly, “so… Please be watchful. If they decide for some reason to pursue you or Cas, it can go south far too quickly. A loaded gun won’t help you.”

“Well, luckily I’ve got two,” Dean joked and he was pretty sure he could hear the eye-roll in the silence that followed. “Okay, mom. We’ll go there, get Cas checked out and disappear again. No detours, no romantic sight-seeing. The drive isn’t too long. We can be there and back again in a day.”

“I’ll hold you to that,” Mary said, still sounding worried. They said their good-byes and then Dean closed his phone. Castiel was just stuffing his second croissant into his mouth, though it seemed like he had at least tried to listen in.

“So you’re the only male amazon you know of?” Castiel wondered and of course he picked up on the second most uncomfortable thing, right after patricide.

“Yes,” Dean admitted and sat down to grab a croissant before Cas ate all of them. For someone who puked so much, he had a surprising appetite.

“I could try to look into my parents’ notes. Though I never heard them talk about amazons,” Castiel said and Dean shrugged. “I haven’t really become desperate enough to ask those of my family who might still do some dabbling in the supernatural world. I’d rather not get them involved,” he admitted. “I don’t know how they’d react about either my sudden interest in lore or the fact that I got involved with amazons.”

“Fair enough. It’s best to keep this as quiet as possible,” Dean agreed.

“Yes,” Castiel said with a sigh. He put down the last bite of his croissant. “I just want this over with, so that I can return to my normal life.” Dean felt a shiver of dread and reluctance go through him. But he smiled at him.

“You will,” he promised.

* * *

 

Dean was quiet on the drive to Dr. Robert’s new office. Castiel didn’t try to talk to him, but he shot him looks from time to time. It was weird being directed through a butcher’s shop. The stairway behind it was just as dirty and gross as the past one had been. This time Dean tried to put his attention on Castiel. On the smell of his aftershave and his shampoo, the way he tensed when climbing the stairs, how heavy his feet were when he climbed to the top. Dean’s hands were sticky from the railing and his eyes itched from the smell. He wondered what Castiel felt. Was he as terrified as Dean was?

“Dean…” Castiel said at the top and Dean’s eyes darted around, surprised that they were standing in front of Dr. Robert’s door. “Are you okay?”

“Oh… Yeah… It’s kinda dirty, isn’t it? I should have brought hand sanitizer,” he said, trying to smile. Castiel frowned at him, but then he opened the door. Dean remember that it had taken him a long time to scratch together enough courage for that. But Castiel was a different person and he was older.

“You’re with me,” Castiel said and Dean looked at him in surprise. “I’m not alone, right?” Dean stared but then he nodded. “And neither are you.”

“Yeah…” Dean muttered and Castiel frowned at him again, but then he stepped inside. Dean stared at the peeled paint on the door and the smudges of fingerprints. He breathed in. Deeply. And followed Castiel inside.

He was greeted with pretty much the same set up as before. Some rickety chairs were lining the walls of the entrance and there were some sad looking plants placed on the window sill. Castiel was looking around in obvious distaste, refraining from sitting down anywhere or touching anything. Dean was glad that he had someone else to focus on instead of listening to the hammering of his own heart. They weren’t here because of him. This was not about him.

“You sure about this?” Castiel asked dubiously but before Dean could answer a door opened and the assistant came out. She looked pretty much the same as Dean remembered her, severe and uninterested. Castiel tried to mask his displeasure behind a more neutral expression.

“Come in,” she said and disappeared right back into the room. Castiel shot Dean a look before following. This was at least farther than Dean got the last time.

“Ah, Dean!” An older guy with white hair and a white coat was standing next to a couple of machines. “Good to see you back! I was worried for a bit when you disappeared on Eva a couple of years ago.”

“I didn’t think you’d remember,” he muttered, avoiding Castiel’s eyes. Dr. Robert laughed and put his arms on Dean’s shoulders, the gesture friendly and familiar.

“Of course I do. I saw Samuel Campbell in my office more than I can count back in the old days,” he said and then he patted Dean on the back. “I didn’t think that his kids would continue the hunting legacy after his death.” Dean didn’t try to contradict him. Technically it was vaguely true. Mary was hunting from time to time. “Sorry that Eva scared you off. She’s come a long way in her patient interactions,” he said cheerfully and guided Dean to the bed. “So, you wanted an ultrasound. Let’s look into you and figure out what’s wrong!”

“Oh! Oh no, no! This isn’t for me!” Dean said hastily, ducking out of Dr. Robert’s hands before he was pushed down on the bed. Dr. Robert raised an eyebrow and then seemed to take notice of Castiel for the first time. Castiel stepped in front of Dean and held out his hand.

“Nice to meet you. I’m Castiel. The one with an ailment is me,” he said and Dr. Robert shook his hand with some surprise. He looked from Dean to Cas and then to Eva with an assessing expression but then he stepped back and sat down on his chair.

“Good! Then get up on the table and you two tell me what’s up.” Castiel did just that, giving Eva his jacket while Dean gave her the envelope with the money.

“This is all confidential, right?” Dean asked and Dr. Robert laughed.

“Dean. You’re paying me. Of course this is confidential,” he answered and while Dean wasn’t sure about it, Castiel was more important than Dr. Robert accidentally spilling something to the next hunter coming through his office.

“I suspect that Castiel is pregnant,” he said and Eva looked over at Castiel’s stomach with interest, as she prepared the ultrasound machine. Fortunately, Dr. Roberts took that with no sign of surprise. He also didn’t ask any questions.

“Well then, why don’t we figure out if that’s true! Eva!” Eva nodded and pulled up Castiel’s shirt. Castiel grunted in surprise at the none too gentle treatment. He opened his pants before she could and sooner rather than later the cold wand was pressed against Castiel’s stomach.

“I’m surprised that you’re not asking any questions,” Dean muttered while all eyes were glued on the not very intelligible screen. The equipment didn’t look very new, so Dean wondered if it would give them any accurate answer at all.

“He’s not the first person who comes into my office with this kind of problem. There are a couple of monsters out there who put their young into a human host. Usually hunters bring in civilians, but some reckless hunters have woken up after a hunt with some awkward surprises too,” Dr. Robert said with an amused laugh. Dean felt like his stomach was trying to claw its way up his throat.

“There.” Eva said, interrupting the short silence. Dr. Roberts smiled and nodded to himself and after he had studied his fill of the grainy picture he gave Eva a sign. She took away the wand after printing the picture. For Dean it didn’t really look like anything when it was pushed into his hands.

“Well,” Dr. Robert started, adjusting his glasses before he took a closer look at the computer screen. “Your suspicion was right,” he said and Dean winced. He dared to look at Castiel, whose eyes were wide and who took the wipes that Eva threw at him with a bit of a daze. He wiped the gel away and buttoned up his pants. “You certainly got a little parasite in you, Castiel. The fetus is still small, but it looks human. Which is interesting. The womb that the little parasite’s in looks pretty good. A bit wonky but functional. My educated guess is that it could sustain itself until birth without being fatal for you. Pretty uncomfortable though.” Dean had already put his palms over his face, trying to find some words that could adequately express what he was feeling. Guilt, shame, dread.

“Of course,” Dr. Robert continued, “I can remove it.” Dr. Robert started talking about the procedure and most importantly the price. Dean tuned him out and looked at Castiel, trying to offer him a supportive smile. But Castiel didn’t answer, he didn’t even look at anyone. He just slipped off the bed and then was out of the room before Dean could shout out his name in alarm.

“Don’t worry, Dean,” Dr. Robert said with a huge grin and Dean refrained from punching it off his face. Dean nodded tensely, the he grabbed Castiel’s abandoned jacket and ran after Cas. “You have my number if you need it!”

* * *

 

Dean expected to find Castiel between the dumpsters in a back alley, because that’s where he’d have run there if he were in Castiel’s shoes. Instead he found him nursing a cup of tea in an otherwise empty, kinda sticky looking diner. There was one lone waitress, who was very focused on whatever was happening on her iPad and didn’t pay any attention to the door opening and swishing closed. It smelled a lot less terrible than he would have expected it to. The scent of coffee was lingering on the air.

“Hey…” he muttered, sitting down next to Cas. The man looked bad, his hair stood up on one side and his eyes were red. “Cas…” Castiel shook his head, clearly needing to be alone. But Dean remembered with excruciating clarity, how he felt in that diner and how the simple kindness of that one waitress had been all that made him go back home.

“I’m sorry, Cas,” Dean finally said, voice low enough to not catch the attention of the waitress. Castiel’s frowned harder, glaring into the coffee. “This is all my fault.”

“You didn’t plan this,” Castiel forced out through clenched teeth, the knuckles of his fists turning white.

“Yes, yes but. But I feel terrible.”

“Okay,” Castiel said flatly and Dean scratched his fingers through his hair, feeling like he had a hard time breathing and sitting still. Like he could vibrate out of his skin anytime, the same pressure building under his sternum and prickling in his fingers, that usually came before his eyes turned red. His vision was already blurring and sharpening in nauseating pulses. He clenched his fists until his knuckles popped and then he reached out quickly for Castiel’s hands. He dragged his resisting palm away from the chipped mug, he wrapped his fingers around Castiel’s. Squeezed until he had to look up from his mug, even if it was only to stare at their hands.

“Cas. This wasn’t supposed to happen. Not to you. God. I should be sitting there, with that weight in my stomach. Not you. This wasn’t -“

“No!” Castiel snapped and Dean’s sentence bled out into a wordless little whine. Castiel pulled his hand back. “This isn’t natural.”

“We can fix it, Cas. We can go back to Dr. Robert. You can get the abortion, you can be done with this and forget it ever happened. You can go back to your normal life and I won’t bother you ever again.” Dean pleaded. Castiel remained silent but after a while he motioned towards the coat that he had left behind at Dr. Robert’s office.

“My wallet,” he said and Dean stared at him. Castiel pointed at the coat again. Dean handed it to him and watched Castiel pull out some bills that he put on the table next to his mug. “I want you to take me home.”

“What…? Cas, you can’t just go home like this,” Dean told him and Castiel looked at him.

“Fine. Take me back to Kansas then,” he said and left his seat. Dean sat in the diner for a little while longer. Looking at the still steaming mug and the bill that Castiel had left behind. He closed his eyes, breathing in the faint coffee scent. Then he got up. The waitress never once looked up.

* * *

 

Mary took the news of Castiel’s pregnancy as well as she probably could. That Castiel hadn’t taken the first chance to run away had eased her mind. She at least made an effort to be kind to him now, instead of trying to intimidate him into letting himself be locked up.

“Okay, so what now?” Mary wondered. “You didn’t want an abortion?” Castiel shook his head. “Why not?”

“I don’t know,” Castiel said evasively and even though Mary wanted to ask more Dean silently shook his head. Dean was pretty sure that Castiel was still trying to wrap his mind around what was happening and that the abortion wasn’t totally off the table yet once Castiel knew what his feelings were.

“I’m sure this must have been a shock for you,” John offered, trying to get the conversation started again.

“Of course,” Castiel said, creasing his forehead. “This defies all logic.”

“That is true. Magic tends to choose the simplest route. And this definitely is not simple,” John agreed and looked at the print out of what was basically his grandchild. It was nothing more than a blurry blob of mixed feelings for Dean. “Did Dr. Robert say anything about the progress? How long it would take and if Castiel survives this?”

“Only guess work. Nothing on how long it would take or how far developed the child is,” Castiel said and Dean looked at him. The child. This was nuts. It had been easier when Dr. Robert called it a parasite. A look at his mom told Dean that she was pretty much in over her head too, her expression stern but her eyes watering. Dean knew when she was trying not to cry.

“What…” Mary’s voice came out hoarse so she cleared her throat and tried again: “What are you going to do now?”

“I understand that I can’t return home until I’ve seen this through. I’m not going to draw attention to your family or myself, so I am willing to consider a relocation. I don’t want to be alone however.”

“I’ll come with you, if you want me to,” Dean was quick to say. “If you’re in this, then so am I.” Neither John nor Mary disagreed.

“What about this child though?” Castiel asked. “If I survive this, is there any guarantee that it won’t want to kill me or its father?” Dean tensed at that and looked towards his mother.

“As long as the child isn’t indoctrinated, she won’t want that. Which means that keeping the clan in the dark is the main objective now,” Mary said. “The likelihood that she would kill Dean is small, as he’s an amazon. You would be the human sacrifice that she would have to offer.”

“That won’t happen,” Dean said. “We’ve always managed to keep the amazons off our trail.”

“So… You’ll consider going to the cabin?” Mary dared to ask, faltering a little under Castiel’s expression.

“You said it was your father’s cabin?” he asked and Mary nodded. “Then there’s a chance for them to find it and we are probably undefended out in the wilderness.” Dean had to agree that this was a reasonable worry.

“That’s unlikely,” Mary argued but John put his hand on her. Then he studied Castiel.

“Do you have another idea?” Castiel nodded.

“In fact I do,” he said. “It’s a hideout my parents told me about. It’s supposed to be the safest place on earth.” Dean watched how his father’s curious expression turned sharper, like he knew where this was going.

“And you know where it is?”

“I know where it is and I have the key,” Castiel answered, which made John shake his head with a smile.

“You are full of surprises, Castiel,” John complimented.

“What? We’re going to some secret hide out?” Dean wondered in confusion, when Castiel was shaking hands with Mary and John. 

“I don’t know what we can expect, so I hope I won’t be regretting it. But at least the amazons shouldn’t be able to trace it because it’s not connected to you or me.” Dean followed Castiel out into the car where Castiel was rummaging in his suitcase until he pulled out a wooden box. He opened it and held out a key. “There was one rule my parents gave me when I inherited this,” Castiel said and Dean lifted his eyebrow in interest. “I always have to take it with me if I leave my house for an extended time. I’ve been carrying it around for years, but have never had the need to use it.”

“Well, let’s hope that place isn’t going to bore us to death,” Dean muttered, looking at the unassuming key. “So… where is it?”

“Lebanon, Kansas.”


	7. Chapter 7

Dean could feel the magic long before Castiel unlocked the heavy but unassuming door. A gush of air, stale and smelling of cellars and libraries greeted them. Castiel looked up at Dean and lifted his eyebrows in surprise.

“What?” Dean wondered and Castiel shook his head before he went inside the darkness. Dean followed, the magic in the air making the hair on his arms stand up and a shiver went down his spine. He could hear the dull clunk of Castiel walking over metal, getting further away, and the hum of electricity slowly coming back to life. The flicker of light bulbs switching on was a faint sound in comparison to the door shutting loudly behind. He didn’t feel all that good about leaving his car on the road outside even though this place was remote enough that he doubted anyone would come across it. He’d have to see if there was a garage for it later, because if the amazons were looking for them (which was unlikely) his car was pretty easy to spot. He readjusted his grip on the heavy bags with food and then he followed Castiel deeper into this bunker. He walked out into a gallery of sorts and couldn’t help gasping in surprise. Whatever he had expected, a commando central wasn’t it. He could see old machinery in the hall below and a big table featuring a world map in the center of the room.

“This place belonged to an organization called the Men of Letters,” he heard Castiel’s voice drift up to him, the acoustics surprisingly good. Dean was still flabbergasted about the layout, so what Castiel told him didn’t really register for a while. He took the stairs down into the room and found Castiel putting Dean’s duffle bag on the table. He too seemed pretty surprised by the scope of the hide out. “I had thought this to be some sort of glorified club house… But it’s surprisingly big,” Castiel muttered.

“Men of Letters… I think I’ve heard that before, but it doesn’t really ring a bell.” Dean wondered and Castiel shot him a look that made him feel like the answer was obvious.

“A secret organization of people who research the supernatural. The American chapter was abandoned some decades ago, after it had been almost wiped out during a demon attack. The key to this bunker was given to my grandfather for safekeeping before the surviving members disbanded or left to join other chapters outside of America.”

“Okay. There certainly is a lot of protective magic around this place, it’s vibrating in the air and kinda hard to get used to,” Dean muttered.

“I assumed, because your eyes suddenly changed,” Castiel told him and Dean gave a start. He looked for the next reflective surface and glanced into it.

“Son of a bitch,” Dean grumbled as he took in his red eyes. “I’m sorry, Cas.” Castiel made a dismissive gesture with his hand, too busy checking out the notebook he pulled out of his suitcase.

“I’m gonna go check out if there’s something like a kitchen,” Dean said and lifted the bags off the table again. Castiel nodded, but was too engrossed in his reading to react. Dean let him be for the time being. Safest place on earth, if that was true, it meant that he could leave Castiel alone for a while. Fortunately the light was on everywhere, illuminating his path. Everything was dusty and he wondered just how long this place had been dormant. He walked past a library and valuable looking objects and through a corridor with many closed doors. When he found the kitchen he gave a sigh of relief. It was surprisingly big, probably enough to host this entire supernatural boy’s club. It was hard to imagine some last century geezers sitting around the table, drinking coffee and discussing… what even? The stock market crash and the vampire population? If Castiel was right, then those men had known about the supernatural, but instead of going out to fight like hunters did, they built a bunker and did research? It was weird to imagine, but not exactly an unpleasant thought. Just the kind of thing he could see grandpa doing.

Dean put away his groceries, frowning at the old cans and piles of ash that Dean didn’t want to know what they used to be. He just hoped that there was nothing toxic in here.

He probably spent more time in the kitchen and exploring than he was supposed to, but he was nervous and it took so long for his heart-beat to come down again and for his eyes to revert back to their normal color. Besides, he still didn’t know what to think. Since they had left Kansas, Castiel had resolutely avoided talking about his pregnancy. Dean of course had taken the hint pretty fast and didn’t try to press. Maybe it was cowardly of him, but truth to be told, he didn’t really know what to think either. If it had been him… God. Dean wouldn’t have hesitated a moment before shoving money into Dr. Robert and icy Eva’s faces and told them to fix him. The mere thought of pregnancy made him stop his exploration and lean against the wall. He never wanted this. He had never wanted to make anyone suffer through what he had to suffer as a child. He had never wanted to father an amazon.

Fuck. He should just have gone through with the consultation all those years ago. He should have made sure that he couldn’t reproduce.

“Dean?” Castiel’s voice sounded faint and Dean forced himself to go into the direction of the voice even though he felt like hiding some more. “Dean?”

“I’m coming. I think,” Dean called back and after a while he found back into the library. “Dude, this place is huge.” Castiel had set up his laptop on one of the two wide tables. Dean lowered himself into an expensive looking armchair. “I think we can hang out here for a while without getting bored out of our minds.”

“That’s good to hear,” Castiel replied almost flatly, then he plugged in his laptop, sighing in relief when it powered up. “Luckily, there’s phone reception but there is of course no internet. And we can hardly call an electrician to set up a port.”

“I can have a look into it. That the electricity is still running seems to be a good sign, though I have no idea where it’s coming from,” Dean mused and watched Castiel sit down into the chair. “So you… plan on working?”

“Yes,” Castiel said resolutely. “I’ll have to go somewhere with reception from time to time to send in my edits and receive new manuscripts.”

“I’m sure I can set up something, don’t worry,” Dean told him but Castiel wasn’t really appeased by his reassurance. “I’m a trained mechanic. I’m sure I can get an internet box to work.”

“What about your work?” Castiel asked and turned around in his chair. Dean felt somewhat trapped by his glare. “Don’t you have to do something? This might take many months.” Dean doubted that it would really take that long, judged by how that blurry baby blob had looked after a couple of weeks only.

“I don’t have a full-time job, Cas…” Dean told him. “I called off my latest internship and that’s that. I’m going to take care of you for however long it takes.”

“Do you plan to do something particular with your life? Did you go to school?” Castiel asked and Dean frowned at him. He crossed his arms over his chest, pressing his back further into the leather of the armchair. This line of questioning made him go on the defense.

“Yes.” Judged by Castiel’s expression, he wasn’t particularly pleased by Dean’s hedging. “You hungry? I’m going to cook you something.” Without waiting for an answer, Dean rose out of the armchair and disappeared in the corridor.

* * *

 

The first day of mostly silence- with Castiel typing at his computer, Dean making himself scare into the dusty corridors of this hidden fortress - established the uncomfortable routine that they fell into. The walls of this bunker were thick, but the air vents in the door carried sounds. Often Dean lay awake at night, in his surprisingly comfortable bed, listening for sounds from Castiel across from him. He didn’t get to see a lot of Castiel’s morning sickness, though he stumbled into the kitchen looking more tired than when they had said good-bye to each other pretty much every morning. He tried to make him healthy food and he got the internet up and running after two days, so Castiel’s gloomy mood was at least partially lifted because there was still work for him to do. But still they didn’t talk about any of the important things. About what was happening and, maybe even more importantly, about what would happen afterwards. Dean was grateful about not having to face the facts for a grand total of nine days.

Nine days had been enough for Castiel to change out of his regular slacks into something with an elastic band.

“This is going faster than expected,” Dean said and Castiel wrinkled his nose and drank his juice. “How are you feeling?”

“You sure?” Castiel asked when Dean sat down in the other armchair, their knees almost touching.

“About what?”

“About wanting to talk about this,” Castiel said and Dean winced, but he nodded. “I’m better.”

“You don’t look better,” Dean offered and Castiel sighed. “No offense, man.”

“The stomach pains have lessened and the bouts of nausea don’t worry me too much anymore because I know what it is. At least in theory. My body isn’t supposed to be growing a child. Especially not one that you put in me through my rectum.”

“Yeah… Yeah that’s weird,” Dean muttered. “Let’s just hope that it doesn’t come out that way.”

“I don’t know… I don’t really want to get cut up either. Of course it sounds vulgar to give birth anally, but the anus can be stretched a lot with enough dedication.”

“Oh god,” Dean groaned, hiding his face in his palm. Sure, he had thought about that before in relation to his own potential womb, but still. Hearing Cas speak so bluntly about it was pretty off-putting.

“But we can’t know… If magic put the child there, there’s probably very little we can do to prepare,” Castiel said with a sigh, taking another sip of his juice. Dean watched him for a while, then he dared to let his eyes fall to Castiel’s midsection. He still favored loose clothing so he couldn’t really see much of what was going on underneath the shirt.

“You still seem to deal scarily well with this.” Castiel opened his mouth. “And don’t say you don’t have a choice, dude. You have a choice. Dr. Robert gave you a solution right away.”

“Is that what you would have done?” Castiel asked and Dean flinched.

“Yes!” he said and Castiel studied him with an assessing expression.

“Did you want me to get rid of it?” Castiel asked and Dean was speechless. There was no judgment in Castiel’s question, no anger, but his curiosity has a sharp edge that made Dean hesitate.

“To be honest, so far I haven’t been able to see the child in you as anything but a problem that I caused you and that I have to fix,” he admitted and slumped in his chair. “I never wanted a child of mine to suffer through what I suffered through. And I never wanted to be the one who…” he made a vague gesture towards Castiel’s mid-section. “you know…”

“Yes, I understand. And I don’t want you to think that I don’t have conflicting thoughts about this,” Castiel told him. “Because I do. Knowing that something is growing inside me is very disturbing. But I didn’t think that removing the child would fix anything. It wouldn’t fix how terrible I felt. It wouldn’t fix the loneliness. It wouldn’t fix whatever stood between us. When I was sitting in this diner and thinking… I had that sickening feeling that it would only rip a bigger hole into myself that I would fill with nothing but regret and self-loathing.” Dean was surprised by the answer and by the honesty. Castiel was turning the glass around in his hands, almost nervously and Dean couldn’t help it; he reached out and plucked it out of his unresisting fingers to put it on the table between them. Then he leant over the table to look Castiel in the eyes, while he pulled his hand into his.

“I’m sorry,” he said honestly. “That you’re feeling that way.”

“It’s not your fault,” Castiel assured him. “I have problems that aren’t related to you.” Castiel gave Dean’s hand a squeeze.

“But I’m making it worse,” he said and Castiel shrugged. “I’ve got to try to not make it worse.” Castiel nodded, his expression kind, a lot kinder than Dean deserved. But Dean was willing to take this offering.

* * *

 

“What I don’t understand.” Dean stopped sorting through the shelves. He looked up from the weird wooden boxes, instinctively knowing which not to touch, to see Castiel no longer had his nose buried in a book. The pages looked so yellowed, turning black in places, that Dean wondered if there was even one word that Castiel could read.

Exploring the Bunker had become their main source of entertainment the last week when both had started to get bored by being locked underground for so long. Sure, Dean could still leave, but he kept his trips to town short and infrequent because there was no telling who could be seeing him.

“What?” Dean asked. Castiel placed the book back in and moved to the side. Apparently Castiel had found a shelf full of fertility and sex related artifacts. Lucky him. Dean was stuck with the boxes holding cursed ballet shoes and other nonsense.

“I don’t understand why I became pregnant,” he said and Dean sighed deeply, inhaling the musty smelling, warm air, and sputtering in disgust. He really needed to fix the ventilation in here or put in some air fresheners. The curses and blood drenched objects vibrating in their protective boxes didn’t make Dean feel any more at ease. He wondered why Castiel was totally unperturbed. Or maybe it was the topic that made Dean feel weird all over. He dragged a stool close with his foot and sat down, pretending to read the labels on the shelves.

“Maybe my penis is magic.”

“You weren’t celibate before me.” Dean shrugged. Apparently Castiel had seen his non-answer, because he continued: “Which means it’s possibly connected to your sperm.” Dean sighed and turned around in the chair. Castiel was leaning against the shelf, studying something that looked like a beer coaster with a bouquet of dicks on it. “As far as I know monsters,” he gave Dean a look that was probably aimed to make him feel excluded from the term. Which didn’t really work but the sentiment was nice, “use a variety of body fluids to infect others. Ingested blood for a vampire for example. Bites for werewolves, so saliva most likely. So what could it have been for you? The saliva we exchanged? The ejaculate I swallowed? Or was it simply when we messed up on the condoms?” Dean groaned, scratching his head.

“Since no other women I had sex turned up pregnant I doubt it was saliva or giving a blow-job. Which… truth to be told I usually also did with a condom on. Protection’s always been a big deal for me. But I’ve never had sex on my mating cycle before. I must have… blacked out or something. Or maybe it was an accident. Or my magic come took apart the latex.” Castiel made a dismissive noise at Dean’s joked suggestion.

“I’m pretty sure we weren’t the prime examples of safe sex practices,” he said and Dean supposed that this was true. “I should have paid better attention too, but I’m still curious. If some sort of magic got activated when you have sex, then why did the magic go to such great lengths to transform _me_?”

“Uh…,” Dean muttered and Castiel tossed the dick coaster back on the shelf, turning around to rummage some more, shaking dust loose.

“The magic had to alter my organs, add a womb, make an egg of some kind, be fertilized with your sperm. That’s a lot of effort.”

“I think we’re just gonna get a head-ache if we think about this too much,” Dean confessed. Castiel heaved a sigh and sat down on the other stool, kicking up another cloud of dust. He dragged his fingers through his hair, making it stand up in the front.

“What I mean to say… Wouldn’t it have been easier to impregnate you?” Dean tensed. “You’re the amazon.”

“We didn’t have sex that way.” Castiel frowned at him and Dean did know that he sounded like a teenager who couldn’t talk about sex yet without blushing up a storm.

“Dean… I must have built an entire combination of functioning uterus and ovaries. If the aim of the magic was to produce an amazon, you would have been the better bet. Pull my genetic code out of me through the saliva we exchanged. That would have been much easier.” Dean felt his entire face heat up in embarrassment.

“I don’t… I don’t know if I…” Dean clenched his hands on top of his legs, resolutely staring at the foot prints on the floor.

“You don’t know if you’ve got a womb?” Dean shook his head. “But if I can grow one, so-“

“Can we change the topic?” Dean forced out and Castiel stopped talking. Dean looked at him, seeing his surprised expression, and then turned his eyes away again.

“Are you serious?” Castiel asked. “I’m a human man and I’m growing a baby inside of me. And you don’t even want to hear me ask about your amazon body?” Dean shrugged, the shame he felt now less about his body and more about his cowardice.

“I said all I had to say on it. I don’t know what my insides look like. I obviously have fertile sperm. The magic chose you, there’s no point in wondering about alternatives.” Castiel was wrinkling his nose in apparent displeasure.

“Fine,” he said irritably and Dean shook his head. Dean was pretty sure that Cas was now giving him the cold shoulder, his movements far more aggressive than before. Of course, Castiel was in the right.

“Cas, look,” he started, but the noise of Castiel pulling stuff out and stuffing it back inside the shelf continued. “There’s a lot of shit I’m dealing with that I’m… trying my best not to deal with. It never came up with women, but you’re my first male lover.” Castiel didn’t reply. “And it just brought up a lot of my insecurities.”

“Like your reactions when I straddled you? When I touched you? Did you think I’d try to force you to bottom?”

“Uh, kinda?”

“You’re an idiot,” Castiel said with a snort. “I thought that maybe you’ve experienced something bad in the past and had reservations about not being in charge because of that.”

“No… I just can’t bottom, Cas,” Dean argued weakly.

“I didn’t even want you to,” Castiel snapped and Dean decided it was better to shut up. Castiel heaved a sigh and sat back down. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t get so curt with you. Your fear is legitimate.” Trust Cas to be the more mature out of them.

“Hormones?” Dean offered, pulling the corner of his mouth up into a tiny smile when Castiel looked at him tiredly. Fortunately for Dean, Castiel returned the smile. Castiel stretched out his legs and put his hands on his stomach. He didn’t let them linger long however, folding his hands and resting them on his legs. His expression turned more somber after that.

“Do you think that after this I’ll ever be normal again?” Dean sighed.

“I fear that there’s no normal after this. You’ll have a child somewhere and your body will probably have been changed forever. For most humans there is no more normal after the supernatural hit them,” he told him and then studied Castiel. “But you know that already. I’m sure you experienced that when your parents died.”

“I guess that’s true…” Castiel admitted. Dean breathed in deeply and then he got to his feet.

“Alright! I think it’s time for something more fun than inhaling dust and being depressed.”

“I’m not depressed,” Castiel argued, but let Dean help him to his feet anyway. “But taking a bubble bath would be nice.” Dean couldn’t agree more.

* * *

 

Dean was beginning to feel comfortable around Cas, in ways that unnerved him as much as they made him happy. Locked up into the bunker as they were, Dean got to see a lot of Castiel, not only in the context of an after-sex breakfast. It was nice living together with him like this. Castiel was affectionate, even when Dean didn’t think he deserved it giving the circumstances. So Dean was affectionate in return. A brush of his hand across Castiel’s back here, a tray of breakfast in bed there, a squeeze of his shoulder pretty much all the time. Castiel always smiled at him, though he never lingered too long for Dean to wrap him up in an embrace or to brush a kiss against his forehead. But Dean wanted to and from the way that Castiel tended to smile at him over the top of a cup of tea hat made Dean’s heart flutter he was pretty sure Cas wanted him too.

“It’s far less lonely,” Castiel admitted, when they were sitting on their armchairs. Dean felt it was a shame that this place didn’t have a couch. There was always a table between them as they read and talked. Of course there was also no television in this place, so their evenings tended to be quiet, maybe with some music coming out of the old record player, the sound dusty and scratchy and outdated by more decades than Dean was used to from his own parents’ music tastes.

“I used to sit up at night like this,” Castiel continued.

“With some classical music playing from your granny gramophone, right?” Dean joked, receiving a fond eye-roll in return.

“Why do you think that of me? Do I seem so boring to you?” Castiel wondered. “I like movie score soundtracks. And audiobooks.” Dean lifted his hand and pointed at Castiel with a fist full of crisps.

“There you go. Who listens to audiobooks but boring people?”

“Everyone listens to audiobooks,” Castiel retorted with a confused frown. But then he narrowed his eyes and it looked far too mischievous for Dean’s taste. “But I forgot that you’re 14.” Dean groaned.

“That’s a low blow, Cas. A low blow.” Castiel chuckled, fishing the crisp crumbs out of his hair that Dean had tossed at him.

“I apologize,” he said, his eyes wide and pleading. Dean faltered a bit, but then he pinched Castiel’s nose, wiping the look off his face and replacing it with indignation.

“Those puppy dog eyes are a menace. Like Sammy when he wants to sleep over.” Castiel rubbed his nose and then turned the page of the book he had been reading. Castiel had a small smile on his lips as he continued reading. Dean had given up by the time he had gotten a bowl of crisps. There was no way that he was getting grease stains on these books. “I’m sorry you were lonely though, Cas…” Castiel shrugged. “What about work friends? Friends from college?”

“Maybe you haven’t noticed, but I’m not really good at talking to people,” Castiel said without looking up from his book and Dean lifted his eyebrow.

“I really didn’t notice, Cas…” he told him honestly. “You’re talking to me.”

“You’re an exception,” Castiel told him and Dean couldn’t help the blush that rose to his cheeks. “Maybe because you’ve also met me in, for me, unusual circumstance. But I’ve since come to know that trying to make your one-night stand stay with you isn’t usual behavior.”

“Maybe not,” Dean admitted, “but it was nice. Pretending for a while that I could stay?” Dean said and now Castiel looked up. He seemed sad, his eyes vulnerable and his lips down-turned.

“I liked that too. Pretending that things were different,” he told him quietly, hardly more than a whisper that got swept up by the record player’s sound. Dean felt unease growing inside of him. Pretending. Wasn’t that what they were doing now? That things were normal, just like Dean had always wanted things to be normal. Of course, this normalcy with him, locked in a bunker, with Castiel expecting a child, was still far removed from that apple pie life Mary had always wished for their family. But it was… What they had, this vague peace between them, felt temporary.

“Dean,” Castiel started and Dean saw him brush his hand over his stomach. “What will happen to the child afterwards?” Dean put away his bowl of crisps, cleaning his hands on his pajama pants to give him a second to think.

“Do you want a kid?” Dean brought himself to ask and watched Castiel close the book, tilting his head up to look at the ceiling. After a moment he turned to look at Dean.

“I wouldn’t mind being a parent,” he confessed. “I have a place to live, a stable income, a job that I can do while taking care of a child. But I don’t know how to take care of an amazon, if this child is one.”

“Likely…” Dean muttered. No point for the magic to go to such lengths without at least producing amazon offspring.

“I don’t know what her needs will be, how I can protect her and raise her. What kind of lies would I have to come up with? I’m not very good at lying, Dean,” he told him, clearly upset about it. “I want to be a good father but I don’t know if I can be, given the circumstances.” Dean didn’t know what to say to this. “Of course, I have to be optimistic that I will survive this.” That made Dean feel like his air was blocked, a sharp pain in his chest at the thought of losing Cas.

“What about you? I know you said you didn’t want children, but now that it’s happening, would you want to be a father?” Dean squeezed his eyes shut at the question, raising his head to rub his forehead to hide his expression.

“I… I don’t know, Cas,” he admitted, feeling the words like lead on his tongue. Castiel didn’t react yet apart from looking understanding. “Hell… I don’t… I don’t even know what to do with myself. I don’t have a proper job. I go from internship to internship. I don’t know what I want to do with my life, because I’ve always had to… To rush, you know? I have no idea who I am actually. How can I be a parent like this?”

“Dean…” Dean didn’t actually want to hear that pitying tone from Cas or to cause him sadness. Because Dean had enjoyed some things growing up. He’d enjoyed parts of college, when he didn’t have to worry about mating cycles. He enjoyed working in the Winchester garage. He liked Sam. He had fun with women. It wasn’t just a nightmare. It was just… Just...

“Dean you’ve got time to figure this out. And I’d be happy to support you,” Castiel told him.

“If I came to stay with you and the child,” Dean said and Castiel widened his eyes.

“I didn’t mean to imply that there was a condition to it. If you don’t want to raise the child, that’s… That’s unfortunate but not a deal breaker,” Castiel said and Dean rubbed his mouth, feeling nervousness course through him.

“Cas I… I don’t know if I can do it,” he finally said, his voice sounding rough to his own ears. “I’m so full of hate for what I am. How can I teach her to feel comfortable in her skin and embrace her uniqueness, when I hate everything about it? How can I give her the love she deserves when I hate myself and… And if I hate her for ruining what could have been between us?” And this was just it, wasn’t it? The dirty truth. Dean didn’t only blame himself, but also this growing kid. This… parasite as Dr. Robert had called it. He was sure that this was how his Mom had felt when she hugged Dean close to him with a smile on her face but tears dropping from her eyes. Castiel rose from his chair a split second after Dean did. Dean felt the soft, warm fingers on his wrist, wrapping around him, gently, but not holding when Dean pulled his arm away.

“Dean, wait. Dean!” Castiel called, but Dean was already out of the library. He could see Castiel standing in the door arch, when he looked back from the foot of the stairs.

“I’m sorry. Cas I just… I just have to get some fresh air,” he confessed.

“O… okay,” Castiel agreed even tough Dean felt a certain pull on his body, as if Castiel was trying to hold on to him, but he only had to move a bit and the pull snapped. Castiel was clenching his hands at his side. He looked at Dean, not making any move to hold him back. Dean cursed himself, but then he left the bunker.

* * *

 

Dean traced the lines and curves on the pale underarm. Grandma usually kept it covered, but not around Dean.

“This is what you’ve got to look out for,” grandma said and Dean let go of her arm, having instinctively memorized the mark. It resonated with him somehow, a weird and terrifying sense of longing spreading inside his chest.

“What is it?” he asked, rubbing his chest and drinking the juice that grandma had put on the table. He hated these mating cycles, but the breakfast grandma made him to cheer him back up made it better.

“This is the mark that they burn into you. The full mark of an Amazon is this sign and the blood of her father on her hand. It’s not visible, but we all know it. There’s no way back from that.” She looked at her own fingers, scrubbed clean and smelling of the primrose soap as always. They were soft hands.

When grandma turned her back on him to call mom, Dean rolled up his shirt. His own arm was white, unblemished and slightly freckled. He licked the syrup from his fingers and then slowly traced the symbol on his arm. But nothing was visible but a slightly sticky trail that glistened on his skin.

Incomplete. That was what this feeling was. 

His wrist was unmarked, his father alive and happy and healthy holding onto Sam.

“Amazons are never the same once they become part of a clan,” Deanna said from the kitchen, as if the conversation had never stopped between them.

Maybe it would have been easier if there was a sign on his wrist. At least he would belong.

* * *

 

Dean let his thoughts roam freely, while he drove his car through what remained of the day. He had left Lebanon behind, knowing that this was neither the place to get drunk not the place to get a good pie. Also it was also not the place to find out what would happen to Cas. He drove until he felt that pain inside his chest recede slightly and then he stopped at the next best diner. The place looked decent enough, friendly almost now that night had fallen and brought with it rain and a chill.

Dean had a cup of coffee in front of him by the time his mobile phone vibrated. He pulled it out and saw that Cas had sent him a text.

“I’m sorry :(“ it read and Dean put the phone on the table. It vibrated again, lighting up the screen, but this time it was from another number. Dean breathed in deeply, his heard pounding in his chest.

“Haha, very funny. But I’m intrigued. Text me your address.  
\- Lydia”

Dean hesitated but texted her the location eventually. He had crossed a state line, but he still felt uneasy while he waited.

“Lucky for you, I’m not far,” Lydia texted back and Dean decided to wait. The diner was open all night and he had brought his research with him. The phone vibrated once more with a text from Cas.

“Will you be gone long?”

“I’ll be back tomorrow,” he texted back and then put his phone away. Castiel seemed to either accept this answer or he had gone to sleep already.

It was after midnight, when Lydia came into the diner. She spotted him and a smug smile appeared on her lips. She was sharply dressed, as always. Dean motioned for the waitress to bring them more coffee and some more pie for him.

“Dean,” Lydia said, sitting down opposite him. Dean watched her eyes sweep over his notes strewn about the table. She seemed curious, with her usual edge of calculating. “Long time no see.”

“As if that’d make your heart bleed,” Dean retorted, but instantly put on a smile when the waitress brought them Dean’s order.

“Pecan pie to share. Just like old times, right Dean? Are you trying to make me nostalgic so that I won’t tattle on you?” Lydia asked and took the second fork. She tasted the pie, smiling at Dean. “Because that’s not going to happen.”

“Cut the crap,” Dean said. “We both know that you don’t care that much about the clan.” Lydia smiled at him. He was unsettled by her presence, they both knew it and Lydia was getting as much satisfaction out it as she could. It was hard to imagine that they had been friends at one point.

“You said you need my help. Speak up then,” she said and Dean hesitated. He slowly gathered his notes into a pile.

“It’s about Cas.” Lydia rolled her eyes. “He’s… he’s pregnant.” Dean felt a small amount of satisfaction as Lydia chocked on her bite of pie. She coughed and took a gulp of her coffee, washing down the pie and the surprise.

“What?” she finally asked.

“So that’s not what you meant when you said he’d be Harmonia’s sacrifice,” Dean gathered from her reaction. Lydia frowned at him. “Is the clan behind this? Why did this happen? And will Castiel die at the end of the pregnancy?” Lydia was still keeping silent, her eyes averted as she thought. Dean could see her eyes flit about, but it took a long time before she looked back up at Dean.

“I don’t think Madeline has anything to do with this,” she finally said. Madeline… The leader of their clan. “Curious… I’m sure if she knew about this little detail, she’d have tried to get her hands on Castiel.”

“And she hasn’t?” Dean asked and Lydia rolled her eyes. “She hasn’t shown any interest in him?”

“Seriously, Dean? He’s a man. Madeline doesn’t care about men. As long as they bleed when we cut them open, they’re all the same for her. You being the exception of course. I think you she would like.”

“No, she wouldn’t. I’m not useful to you,” Dean answered with a snort, but under the table he clenched his hand, flicking his wrist a bit. There was a pinpricking in his fingers, an almost burning sensation on his wrist. If Madeline had known about him early enough, she would have tried taking him like they had taken mother’s sister. But Deanna and Mary had been clever enough not to bring Dean on any kind of mission that brought him into contact with amazons. But trying to befriend Lydia had lost him that advantage.

“You just told me that you knocked up a man. Are you seriously thinking that you wouldn’t be useful?”

“Are you going to tell her?” Dean wanted to know, looking Lydia straight in the eye and holding her gaze. Lydia returned the stare, but in the end she quirked her eyebrows.

“About your precious Castiel? About your” she lifted her hands and wiggled her fingers, “super sperm? No, I don’t think so,” she said and Dean let out the breath he had been holding.

“Okay. Thank you,” he said and she pulled the plate with pie towards her, slowly eating the rest of it without looking up at Dean. “Do you think he’ll survive? It’s not growing as fast as it would in an amazon. I just… I think he wants to keep the kid, despite everything.”

“Yes, he did strike me as a foolish sweetheart. The kind of guy you’d feel bad for hurting.”

“Didn’t stop you.”

“I’m only soft on the outside, Dee.” Now it was Dean’s turn to roll his eyes at the familiar retort. “If there’s no pact with Harmonia, then the blood of her father doesn’t have to be spilled. If Castiel survives, then I don’t see why the child would feel compelled to kill him.” Dean hummed thoughtfully. “Or did you feel the impulse to murder your dad?”

“What? No!” Dean shouted, alarmed. The waitress looked their way once and Lydia took the chance to order another pie.

“I don’t see why it should be any different for the child, should they be an amazon.” Dean heaved a sigh. “But I’ll keep my ears open and ask around.”

“What, why?” Dean wondered, “why do you care?”

“I don’t really care, Dean. But you can consider it a thanks for me not having to go through motherhood. It’s not like I would have felt anything for that kid, whether she lived or died, but the guilt might have been there anyway. It might have kept me awake for a night and that would have been a nuisance.”

“Of course,” Dean said warily. The waitress brought the pie over, conveniently wrapped to go. Lydia left the bill to Dean.

“See you.”

“Better not,” Dean muttered under his breath. In the minutes of silence after Lydia’s departure, he allowed himself to doubt. It was foolish to trust Lydia. He was pretty sure that she would tell the leader of the clan about it, at least parts of it. But he had to trust that he would get answers. As long as Castiel was hidden, he would be fine. They could do this. Dean paid the waitress and went out into the cold night air.

The sky was already lighting up when Dean finally stepped back down into the musty, familiar darkness of the bunker.

* * *

 

Dean heard Castiel’s steps echo in the corridor. They stopped some paces away from the door, then Castiel peeked into the kitchen. When he noticed Dean sitting at the table, the relief was evident on his face.

“You’re back.” He nodded and Castiel approached. He looked down at Dean and then he awkwardly wrapped his arms around Dean’s shoulders. Dean had his head pressed into Castiel’s chest and his shoulders into the soft but firm belly. There was very little to feel there but still a jolt went through him. Castiel let him go pretty quickly, but there was a relieved smile on his face when he sat down opposite him.

“I didn’t want to pressure you,” Castiel said and he folded his hands. “But I still want you to know that… if you’re willing of course… that I think we can be friends. Maybe even a couple. But I know that this will be difficult with this child.”

“Cas…,” Dean mumbled, unsure what to say.

“I don’t think we are beyond hope. I like you, Dean.”

“I like you too, Cas. But I just need…” Dean made a vague gesture with his hand. He didn’t know what he needed.

“Time. I understand. I do need time too,” Castiel said and Dean graciously took the offer. He wasn’t sure if it was time he needed. He felt there was something else, something deeper inside him that he needed to fix, before he was ready to believe that this could work. “So… Pancakes?” Castiel asked after the silence had gone on between them for a while. Dean looked at him in confusion and then his eyes dropped to his own plate.

“Oh, right!” he said and jumped up from the chair to turn towards the stove. Castiel smiled but Dean did catch how his expression fell when Dean turned around. Dean closed his eyes and took a deep breath. It would be fine. He would protect Cas, he would buy him all the time he needed. Maybe this was foolish and he was sure that Castiel’s optimism was ill-placed to some extent. But damn it. Dean had caused this and he would fix it. He felt his mobile phone as a heavy weight in his pocket. 


	8. Chapter 8

****The next couple of days dragged on endlessly for Dean. Castiel gave him space and never once talked about what was going on with his body. Dean could hear him get up multiple times at night, pacing the corridors and refilling his hot water bottle. He also started being more careful when he ate and it seemed he favored things that were easy to digest, so Dean stocked up on those things. If Castiel’s stomach rounded out, then Dean could at least not tell, because the clothes Castiel wore continued to get baggier and he often had a blanket over his legs. March turned to April and Dean started to get anxious.

“If you want to go out, just go,” Castiel snapped. Dean turned away from his laptop and his frequent checking of his phone to look over his shoulder. Castiel was sitting in his armchair, frowning at Dean. “I can’t concentrate when you’re fidgeting.”

“What are you doing anyway?”

“I’m working,” Castiel said, his eyes returning to the stack of papers. The scratch of his red pen on the page was the only thing Dean heard for a while. Dean watched him a while but then he went back to his laptop. Before long he was checking his phone again. It had been five days, why was Lydia not replying? Had she betrayed him after all?

“ _Dean_.” Castiel called and Dean noticed that he had started drumming his fingers. “Just go out if you’ve got cabin fever.” Dean sighed deeply. But maybe Castiel was right. He got his wallet and the keys. “Good bye,” Castiel called after him but Dean only grunted something in return. Once he was actually outside in the fresh air he did feel better. He took a few calming, deep breaths. There was no one else around, Dean would be able to feel it. He made his way to his car (which he really had to put inside the garage if he’d just figure out how to open the gate). He got into his car, with the intention to just drive to the next burger joint to pick something up for Cas as apology. But after less than 10 minutes on the road his phone vibrated. Dean stopped the next chance he got and pulled it out.

“I did a bit of digging. Let’s meet. Same place.  
\- Lydia.”

Dean sighed in relief and quickly texted back that he would be there. This meant that Castiel’s burger had to wait, but he would probably be back before morning. He’d bring him nice breakfast. Something from a fancy bakery again. Maybe some French toast. Lots of tea. Maybe fresh strawberries.

Dean was feeling somewhat more at ease once he finally reached the diner. Castiel didn’t send him a text this time, so he felt it would be okay. He ordered a coffee, not sure when Lydia would be here. The diner was empty, but the waitress was friendly and even handed him a newspaper when he was only sitting there twiddling his thumbs. Dean almost missed the light ripple of awareness that Lydia’s proximity caused. There was a faint noise coming from the kitchen, of pans clanging and he turned around to see if something had happened. The door opened and closed, a soft click accompanying it. Dean frowned and looked towards the door. It wasn’t Lydia, but a blonde woman he didn’t know. She was dressed in a suit and her gaze landed on Dean. She didn’t speak but she remained standing at the door, blocking the exit. Dean rose in alarm. Lydia had betrayed him after all. He should have known. Luckily he always had his gun with him so he quickly pulled it, but before he could properly turn it on the amazon at the door, there was a commotion behind him.

“I would not do that, Dean.” Dean didn’t recognize the voice but he slowly turned his head around to see a dark-haired woman holding a knife to the struggling waitress’s throat. It was already glistening with blood. “You don’t want her to be harmed, do you?” Grandma had showed him enough pics for him to know what the leader of the amazons looked like.

“Fancy meeting you here, Madeline,” he said, trying to remain calm. His heart was beating fast and his thoughts ran wild. Two amazons and at least one hostage.

“I’m pleased that you know my name,” she said and the waitress gasped when the knife drew along her jaw. “And it would please me even more if you came with us.” The woman at the door approached and pulled a gun out. Dean could see a badge glimmer on her belt. Shit, amazons in the police? “I’m sure you have a lot of questions, Dean and I promise they will all be answered. Now, just come with us.” Dean hesitated, evaluating if he had a chance to shoot the police amazon.

“Ah! No! Please, please!” The waitress screamed and Dean turned towards them, seeing Madeline cut into the waitress’ skin. He heard the sound of heels on floor and the next thing he knew the world tilted to the side.

Then it went black.

* * *

 

It smelled like smoke and wax. That was the first thing that came back to Dean. Slowly his mind swam through the confusion and the blissful unawareness. But then he felt something scratchy beneath his cheeks and soon after that there was a prickling inside his fingers, the knuckles pressed into the small of his back. What an uncomfortable-

Dean opened his eyes in shock. First he didn’t see much, just the blurry blanket before him and beyond that the stone floor. With a groan he sat up, noticing that only his arms were tied behind his back and his legs were free to move.

Madeline was sitting in a chair close by, reading a book by candlelight. How pretentious.

“What happened to Lydia?” Dean spat out, but Madeline didn’t react at first. She calmly continued to read her page, then she put the bookmark in and looked up.

“I suppose she stayed clear of the diner if the police got there before she did,” Madeline said and Dean narrowed his eyes. Did that mean that Lydia hadn’t been in on this abduction? Dean tried to look around, but the room gave nothing away. It was just a small cell, with one bed, a chair and a small table on which the candle flickered. This could be in any basement.

“We’ve been tracking Lydia for a while now. It was a lot of work, mind you, and not usually what we tend to do. We give our sisters freedom to do what they desire. But we knew that the friendship between the two of you would one day come in handy.” Dean hated that smug smile on her face.

“What do you want?” he spat. Madeline closed her book and got to her feet. She was a tall woman, awe inspiring in her own right. Dean couldn’t help flinching when she stared down at him, with her eyes burning red. Maybe it had only been the trick of the candle light, because in the next moment the eyes were back to normal. Dean could breathe again, though the adrenaline was still pumping in him, making him itch and feel uncomfortable in his skin. Goosebumps were travelling up his bare arms. Damn, his jacket was still in the diner and with it his phone and - Damn… The keys to the Bunker. Even though they would lose the advantage of tracking his phone’s location he really hoped that Madeline and her goon hadn’t taken his jacket.

“Isn’t it obvious?” Madeline asked. “If you can’t beat the traitors, you’ll destroy them from within.” Dean glared up at her in incomprehension. Madeline stepped closer to him and he felt the cold stone of the wall press against his back. “We didn’t manage to do it with Maggie, but you?” She studied him from head to toe, something hungry in her gaze. “You, my dear, you’re something special.” She pressed her fingers to his jaw, holding his head in place. “What conflict there is within you. The self-loathing is practically dripping off of you.” Dean pulled his mouth into a mocking smile.

“That’s all very poetic but do you really think I’d kill my family?” The amazon let go of him and stepped away from his bed.

“No. We’ve got a code,” she said coolly. “We don’t kill our own, no matter how far they’ve fallen. No. You’re an experiment.” There was no relief in knowing that she wouldn’t go after his family, because this just sounded ominous. “You’re an amazon, but a man, so if what I have in mind for you fails?” Madeline smiled and turned towards the door. “You might as well be disposed of as an offering to our great goddess.” She opened the door, a loud screech of unoiled, rusty hinges, shortly after followed by the loud noise of it slamming shut. The lock turned with a loud click.

Dean cursed.

* * *

 

The sun was throwing nothing but faint light through dense clouds. Dean couldn’t see much when Madeline and two other amazons were escorting him through the corridors. Dean knew that it would be difficult to overwhelm them, especially if he didn’t know how many more amazons were in this building and how he could flee. There were narrow windows in the corridor, shutters obscuring the view outside. What Dean could glimpse was nothing but misty fields and some trees. Wherever he was, it was not in a city. A door before him was opened and he was pushed inside. His cuffs were unlocked but then the door slammed shut behind him. The first chance he got he turned around and wanted to pull the door back open, but the lock clicked and he slammed his palm against the wood.

“Damn it,” he hissed. A shiver went through him and he rubbed his upper arms. He felt chilly constantly though he knew that it was probably rather the presence of other amazons that made him feel like this and not the actual chill of their hideout. And wasn’t that something too? Sure, Dean hadn’t seen much more than stone corridors but it gave him boarding school vibes from those dramas his mother liked to watch. Or like the castle in Harry Potter. In any case it was old and scary looking.

He looked around the room he was in now. It was a big room, with a window front. There were two rows of about 10 beds with metal frames, which could be sectioned off with curtains. There was a big wardrobe towering next to Dean and opposite it was a part that was covered in off-white tiles, sinks built into the wall. In the middle of the room was a big table, which was currently occupied by three girls, looking to be around 16 years old. They were all staring at him with wide eyes, their surprise and tension more than palpable. They wore normal clothes and Dean almost laughed at it. It would have completed the picture if they’d been dressed in little uniforms.

“Hey there,” he greeted them half-heartedly but then he made his way straight to the window front. He could see out here, but his pervious assessment that there was nothing but nature surrounding them was true. There was a small path leading away, getting lost in the hills. Dean wasn’t sure if this was the road or just a random walk path. He tried to open the windows but they were sealed shut. That in itself wouldn’t be too much of a problem, but there were also bars behind the window and then, if Dean guessed correctly, a three story drop. That wouldn’t kill him. But the problem was that it would make a lot of noise and take time if he had to smash the window, break open the bars and then jump down. He pulled at the windows for good measure, until they rattled. Then he snarled at them and looked at the young women. Two of them averted their eyes at once, expressions blank. A girl with red hair eyed him curiously, but then one of the others pulled at her sleeve and they were engrossed in their reading again. He didn’t really want to interact with them, because while they were a potential source of information, they were also a potential threat. All the girls wore short sleeves, the mark of the amazons angry red and fresh looking on their wrists. Those girls had killed their fathers and they were, as full amazons, possibly stronger than Dean. And it wasn’t like he wanted to kill girls, even though he knew that if he were a hunter, “killed someone” was enough to make someone a monster and therefore earned them a bullet in the head.

Before Dean could make up his mind to go talk to the girls instead of just standing around like a pervert in a girl’s dormitory (which this was. Why the hell was he here?), the door opened again. It was the suit woman, Charlene or something, who came into the room. The girls rose from their seats, standing with their hands behind their backs.

“Ladies, this is Dean. I’m sure you must be confused. You can all feel it, can’t you?” she asked and stepped closer to Dean. The girls gave tentative nods and Dean jolted when Charlene grabbed his hand, squeezing hard. “Yes. He is an amazon. Just like you. But other than you, he is flawed and incomplete.” Dean grit his teeth.

“Let go of me, you harpy,” Dean hissed and tugged at his hand but Charlene’s hold was strong.

“He had the misfortune of being born outside of the watchful embrace of our clan.” Dean snorted. Charlene sent him a sharp glare. “So now, this has to be corrected.”

“I’m pretty happy the way I am, thank you,” he spat with a sneer and Charlene squeezed his wrist until Dean grunted in pain. She let him go and Dean kept his pulsing wrist at his side, he didn’t want to give her the satisfaction of seeing him cradling it to his chest.

“You may sit,” Charlene said to the girls and Dean could hear the scratching of the chairs on the floor but he was sure that there were still eyes on them. “Three girls, more haven’t survived this mating cycle.” Dean lifted his eyebrow. “In total there are 8 girls in this school, the other 5 have been here since the last cycle.”

“So you lock them up,” Dean summarized and Charlene sent him a withering look.

“We protect them, boy,” she said. “We keep them here for four years to make sure they’re ready for the world. Most of us have our own lives. We blend in for two years, we mate, we move on. It’s challenging.”

“Your own lives? I’m sure you only went to the police force so you could cover the tracks of your tiny, precious murderers!” Dean spat and he heard a sharp intake of breath from the tables. For a short moment he felt bad, because they were just kids, but still.

“We protect our own,” Charlene said, surprisingly patient even though from the way her hand twitched Dean was sure she would have loved to slap him. “The girls have to be ready. You, Dean, never got proper training.” Here she turned away from him, her expression dismissive. “No wonder that you’re floundering.” Dean bristled at that.

“I’m not floundering!” he argued, even more annoyed when Charlene’s mouth quirked up into a belittling smirk.

“You will be expected to join the girls in their education from tomorrow on. The day starts at 6 AM,” she said and then she was out of the door. Dean clenched his fists. He decided to ignore the girls and went to check out the room instead. The door was locked, but there was another one that led into a small toilet. That was at least something. But there was also no window here or any other chance of escape. Forcing his way out the windows still looked like the best option, but maybe it would help him to just wait out the night. If he got a better look at the location he might be able to pass on information to his mother and grandmother to burn this place down. Dean returned to the dorm room, interrupting a hushed conversation. He shot them a look but decided not to engage with them today. They were wary of him and he didn’t feel like getting stabbed in his sleep. The girls weren’t up for long. Dean checked his watch when there was the sound of a bell. The girls quickly dressed for the night, sending looks at Dean who really had no interest in watching them. There was a second bell and then all the girls went to bed. Shortly after the room was plunged into darkness. Dean blinked a couple of times until he could see vague shapes in the faint light from outside. Most of the beds were empty but Dean didn’t feel like sleeping there. There was a beat up looking sofa that was good enough for Dean, so he got down, fully dressed, for what his grandma called a hunter’s rest. He would have to go about this wisely. He was on his own, there was no way that his parents would figure out where he was. At least not that quickly.

Dean could do this.

* * *

 

Amazon boot camp was… austere. That was probably the best word Dean could find. As promised, the day began with an ear-shattering bell that jolted Dean out of an already fitful sleep. He rubbed his face, groaning because yeah, his back hurt. The girls were stirring and at least they were grunting through the process of waking up like any other teenager before school was. Dean quickly went to the toilet and by the time he was out and grabbed the sealed fourth tooth brush on the sink, the three girls were in the process of getting dressed. One of the girls, the red-head, was still looking at him curiously, her hair sticking to her face. She pointed towards a bundle of clothes on the table, which were probably meant for Dean. He wanted to decline those, but truth to be told his own clothes were feeling scratchy and were a bit smelly already. He washed his face and then went to change. He felt the girl’s eyes on him, but he wasn’t too creeped out to go change behind a curtain. The clothes were simple jeans and a black t-shirt, a pair of clean socks and boxers.

“It could be worse,” he muttered.

“Our mothers usually pack clothes for us, but after that we choose,” a voice spoke up and Dean wasn’t surprised when it was the red-head. “I’m Charlie.”

“Dean Winchester,” he replied and Charlie nodded with a grin. The bell rang again and the door was unlocked. “You’re always locked up?”

“Just in the beginning. Once we’ve been here a year, the doors will be open”, Charlie explained. The girls left and Dean debated staying behind, but then he followed. An older girl had unlocked the door and was chaperoning the girls through the corridors.

Breakfast was decent, overseen by Madeline, who also introduced Dean to the five older Amazons. Their looks were decidedly icier than the younger girls’ somewhat subdued interest. Breakfast was followed by lessons in reading and writing, skills which the young amazons apparently didn’t possess yet. Dean remembered his own first couple of weeks. He’d learned quickly, sometimes between bouts of growing pains, because he was going to be normal. He was going to go to high school in the summer, like other kids. After a quick lunch there was more school. Dean was bored out of his skull by the time the girls were all ushered into the great hall, where Madeline rose, with a big book in her arms. Dean pretty much tuned her out when it was clear that she started talking about the glory of the amazons and the pact with Harmonia. How necessary it was to shed blood, what a privilege even to start their lives by taking the life of an unworthy man. Dean snorted, earning himself some turned heads, but otherwise the girls listened with rapt attention.

Dinner was followed by prayers to Harmonia which Dean of course refused to participate in. Madeline only smiled at him and Dean was pretty sure that a villain smiling like that never was a good sign. When the girls were allowed to leave, Charlene wrapped her fingers around Dean’s shoulder, holding him back. Charlie looked back at him, but then she followed the other girls.

“You see now, what it will be like, Dean. It’s not difficult. It’s not torture,” Madeline said. “But first… You have to become a proper part of this clan.” Charlene pulled him out of the door and Dean decided that now he should do his best to struggle, but Charlene’s hold was firm even when he kicked at her. He heard the click of a pistol and then the metal was pressed against his forehead.

“Move,” she hissed and Dean had to comply. He was taken down the stairs, past the big entrance hall and down some more stairs. He was pushed into a dark and chilly room. It smelled bad in here, not just like a cellar bad, but unclean somehow. Evil. Candles were flickering and there was some kind of fire place let into the floor, where metal sticks were resting in the embers. He’d rather not think about what those were for.

Dean was let go, the heavy door whining on its hinges, banging closed with an ominous sound. There was no light apart from the fires and the small, round windows let into the very top of the wall, barely showing the grass outside. It was too dark and Dean felt himself grow hot, anxious. Madeline seemed pleased.

“Are you ready to join us? Your life will be much easier if you comply now,” she promised but Dean only snarled at her. Still, she smiled. “It’s such a shame that we didn’t get a hold of you before the mating cycle was over,” she said and Dean tensed. “Because then we could have tested it, send you after a man. If you were with child things would be so much more interesting.” She folded her hand on top of a wooden stand, currently empty of a book which probably usually sat there. “A child of your own would be such a good pressure.” Dean felt his stomach churning, acid in his mouth, but he rolled his eyes.

“Oh, I doubt it. I’m not the maternal type.” Madeline’s smile faltered for just a small moment, that Dean almost missed it.

“Harmonia blessed you!” Charlene called, apparently less patient that Madeline. “You should be grateful!”

“Grateful?! How the hell am I supposed to be grateful?! I’m currently being kept hostage in some freaky dungeon by some lunatics!” he called and then he glared at the leader. “So you can go fuck yourselves.” Madeline stared at him for a while, but then she lifted her hands.

“Very well. Suit yourself, Dean. The outcome will be the same, whether you comply or whether you fight us.” Dean glared at her, but the women left Dean alone.

* * *

 

The Amazons’ plan for Dean apparently involved isolation. While Dean was able to move about freely in the vast space, there was no food and no light once the candles burned out. The room became very chilly during the night and hardly warmed up during the day. The adult amazons came and went, never giving him more than a glass of water to fight off the worst of the thirst. They spoke to him, words that he had no trouble shutting out for the first two days, but then the hunger and the loneliness were starting to gnaw at him. He knew that he would probably be able to hold out longer than a human without sustenance, but so far he never had to test his limits. And hunger was hunger, whether he knew he’d survive that gnawing pit inside of him didn’t change how it hurt. After long hours of isolation, where Dean tried to get the windows to open, knowing well enough that he was probably too big to fit through them anyway, Madeline would come at night, shadowed by Charlene. New candles would flicker to life and the fire pit was ignited. Dean couldn’t help but gravitating towards the warmth, even though he tried to keep to the wall or to walk around like a tiger in a cage as Madeline spoke droning words. Charlene always carried a tray with her and while Dean had eyed it with interest the first time, he knew that the raw meat next to the glass of milk wasn’t something he wanted to force down.

“Are you ready today, Dean?” Madeline’s voice swam through his head and Dean glared past the fire pit. “Your grandmother was one of us. The best. I remember her. It was such a shame that that hunter messed up her head. I’m sure she’s longing. Aching. But not as much as you, or that mother of yours. Incomplete, flawed. You’re lost. Without our blessing, without our arms around you.”

“Fuck you. You’re a cult of murdering bitches,” Dean hissed and promptly a fist came in contact with his cheek. He hadn’t even noticed Charlene leaving behind the tray to stand close to him. He squeezed his eyes shut, feeling his hold on himself slip. His head was pounding, his heartbeat too quick. “Grandma wanted something better for her child. What do you even care about children? You only want to raise warriors.” Madeline laughed and Charlene punched him again. Something in him snapped and he felt fire spread inside of his chest, his eyes burning and he roared at her, the sound ripping through his throat painfully. Charlene jumped away and then Dean saw the glint of a gun pointed at him.

“You are storms, barely contained by your blood and bones,” Madeleine called. “You have to carry that weight of shame, the weight of war that flows through your blood. Through all our blood.” Dean wrinkled his nose, turning away from her voice, echoing through his cellar. “We used to be warriors, but we were almost all killed. Now were are a sisterhood. You can be a part of it. Lay that shame in you to rest. You can find a place for yourself! It’s easy, Dean. The first step is nothing but a pledge.”

“No,” Dean said, forcing his eyes to focus on the fire and not the tray that stood on the table by the entrance. “You think you can just spew some big words and I cave?”

“It’s a shame that you’ve already been tainted by the outside,” Madeline said and took a pitcher of water that stood close to her. “You’re making it difficult for yourself.” Dean bit back the shout of protest when Madeline spilled the water and the fire hissed and then went out. “But there’s hope for you.” She placed the rest of the water on the ground and left with the tray. Dean grabbed the water as soon as they were gone, hissing when his split lip dropped blood into it. He still gulped it down, knowing it would take hours before there would be more water. He remained sitting next to what remained of the fire. The stones around were still slightly warm. The candles were still burning, so maybe if he hacked apart the table he would have a bit of a fire.

Dean rubbed his throbbing forehead. This sucked. He hoped that at least Cas was safe. How long had it been anyway? There wasn’t food in the bunker for too long and Dean had taken the key and the mobile phone. There was no way for Castiel to call Dean’s parents unless he left the bunker and got a hold of their contact information.

Dean rolled his shoulders until his joints gave a barely satisfying pop. If he was lucky he’d be rescued. If he was unlucky he’d die here. Maybe a hunter would sniff them out, then he’d quite possibly die too, depending on what state he was in. The way his eyes burned and his whole body thrummed with energy, he doubted he would react to danger with anything but flashing eyes.

Dean heaved a sigh and rubbed his wrists. They were pale and unmarked and aching.

* * *

 

The door opened before nightfall and Dean rose from the floor in alarm. Surprisingly, it was Charlie and in her arms was a loaded tray that smelled like heaven. She quirked a smile and then placed the tray close to him.

“It’s not poisoned,” she assured him when Dean eyed her with suspicion. In the end he shrugged, trying to act casual, but he was hungry. He shoveled the porridge into his mouth and took a bite of the bun before he was even done swallowing the rest.

“I don’t understand why you resist,” she said, watching him eat. “It’s not so terrible here.”

“You only say that because you’ve been brainwashed,” he answered sharply. Charlie frowned at that.

“What’s your deal, huh?” she demanded. “Why do you feel so superior? You’re an amazon just like us! I mean, you’re a dude, so… no offense but yeah.” Dean rolled his eyes.

“Maybe because I’m not part of some weird cult? Maybe because I didn’t kill my own father in cold blood?” he spat.

“And that makes you happy or what?” Dean stared at her. What kind of sick question was that? Charlie didn’t falter. “The clan provides shelter and help. The clan tells us how to live. Everything we have to do is have children every couple of years once we’re old enough.” She shrugged as if that was perfectly normal and not bullshit. “The way I see it that’s pretty much what women are expected to do anyway, right?”

“No! What the hell, Charlie. People, normal people, have choices!”

“Amazons don’t have choices,” Charlie reminded him like that was somehow an answer to the problem. “Life is easier this way.”

“What do you know about life? You’ve been alive for… what? A couple of weeks?” Charlie nodded.

“And what do you know about life? Charlene said you were floundering.” Dean wanted to protest. “Charlene is probably not a lot older than you, but she’s already a detective. What about you? What have you done with all your choice?” she challenged. Dean resolutely kept his mouth shut. There was no point in talking to her. Charlie huffed and rose from the floor. “Whatever. They told us men are dense.”

“You’re dense,” he shot after her, but her words circled around in his head. He forced his eyes shut and lay down on the floor again, determined to just endure. Whatever the surprise feast meant, he’d have to be vigilant.

* * *

 

Down here it was really difficult to tell how many days had passed, especially once Dean had taken to either sleeping through the day to conserve his energy or when he passed out after a rush of adrenaline provoked by Charlene’s beating.

He felt that thinking about Castiel would somehow bring a bit of calm into this mess of darkness, noise and fire. He thought about the way that Castiel had smiled at him, back then in the bar. How nervous and shy he had been, but determined. Sometimes the food he made smelled a bit burned, but he was excited when Dean ate the things he made for him. As if that was his way of asking for Dean to stay. Castiel had a lot of ways to tell him things without speaking. He had a way of touching him that was gentle and careful, in ways that made Dean fluster and embarrassed. He remembered the hands of women on him, sure, determined. Dean had loved that, but Castiel touched him like he was a phantom or as if he was precious.

How was he faring on his own? Was the child born? Was Castiel alive? Did mom take care of Cas? Would she do it because she missed Dean and felt it her duty? Would she like the child?

Would Dean have liked the child?

Dean was called out of his thoughts when Charlene grabbed his upper arm, rolling up his dirty shirt. There was a pinch and Dean shouted in alarm. He lashed out at her and noticed that Charlene held a syringe in her hands.

“What the hell?!” Dean shouted and looked towards the vague shape of Madeline. For a moment nothing happened, but then his already quick heart beat came even quicker. He broke out in a sweat and then started to panic. He felt hot and cold all over, goosebumps travelling up his arms and he dug his nails into his palms to force himself to calm down. But there was no point. The world before his eyes darkened, became fuzzy. He blinked a couple of times and suddenly everything was too sharp, too bright. Charlene and Madeline were standing before him, smiling down at him. He felt threatened by them, a beast driven into a corner. He turned his face into his shoulder, not wanting to see, not hearing anything but his blood in his ears. He tried to think about Cas or Sam’s goofy smile, but he couldn’t even remember their faces right now.

There were voices and Dean groaned. It was Charlie with food, he wasn’t sure how he could tell as she was just a smudge of color in the darkness. He tried to get up from the floor, but stumbled.

The leader’s voice was smooth like honey, telling him of the great feats of Harmonia and her soldiers. They must sing her songs, take their pledges in blood. Keep their weapons sharp for her, keep the war soaring in their hearts.

“We hunt for her. We kill for her.”

Her smooth words were an anchor in reality. Everything else was blood hot and red. Dark and dank. Smelly.

“We took that pledge but your family? You went rogue. You are traitors. Do you understand?” Dean didn’t react. “Hunters are bad, Dean. They want us dead. They want us extinct. But Harmonia won’t let this happen. You fight against us, but why? We are surviving, we are serving. Do you feel normal or human?” Dean felt her hands on his skin and he wanted to push her away. “No. No, you are bereft. I can feel it. All of your hearts long for that connection we have with Harmonia. She won’t let you go. She will forgive you. She blessed you.” Dean felt her hands all over him, trails of ice on his too hot skin. He was shivering.

“You’re a gift. A better form. Someone who can protect us.” Her hands were on his naked skin. He tensed. He wanted to claw at her, shoot at her. Stab the knife into her. The knife. He felt his empty hand balled to a fist, around an imaginary handle. He shoved his fist through the air, slicing close to Madeline’s throat.

“You feel it, don’t you? Did you never miss it? In your hand. That sign. The knife that will slash through the sacrifice like butter.” Dean could imagine it, Madeline’s words seeping into his head. Make the blood stain the floor. He’s seen that before, in pictures. Bleed out the sacrifice’s sin. A celebration of the victory of amazons over human men once again. A centuries old pay back, again and again.

“You must miss it. That defense line. Because you’re just small and naked and scared now.”

Her words cut through him like knives, but at least the fog in his head was lifting, slowly, slowly. He didn’t know how long he had been lying on the floor, but Madeline was still here. Or here again.

“I do wonder about that body of yours, Dean. Amazons only ever mate during the cycle. We are not fertile before or after. But you? Maybe you would be. Even if you could only impregnate women every two years, just imagine that rush! How much good you could do during the mating cycle.” Dean didn’t quite understand what she was saying but he decided to remain lying on the floor, to catch his breath. He didn’t dare to open his eyes because he knew that everything would still be too bright.

“We would bring you women. Dozens of women. We could start small. With our own amazons. The five girls are ready in less than two years. Or maybe we could try with sweet but difficult Charlie.” That got Dean to actually listen. Was she serious? “But we could then move on to more women. Pick the best. We could lock them up and if we’re lucky we’d have more amazons than ever just three days later!” Madeline sounded excited, much more passionate than Dean had ever heard her. “Just imagine how efficient it would be! Of course, we’d still need to spill blood for our goddess, to not lose her favor. But those would be details.” Dean heard the clacking of her boots coming closer to him. “You could be good for something, Dean. Not just a rogue, not just a man. Nothing incomplete. But something better. Useful.” With that she left him and Dean slowly rolled onto his back, panting, trying to catch his breath.

He was shivering all over, a tremor going through his body. He felt exhausted and burnt out. He was pretty sure they had drugged him and he didn’t remember much but fragrance and the feeling of gnawing hunger. He flexed his fingers of his right hand, feeling a tickle in his palm.

“Fuck,” he muttered.

* * *

 

Charlie was there when Dean woke up. He didn’t remember even falling asleep, but he was too tired to complain about her weird staring. He forced himself to sit up, though his head still felt very heavy and his mouth dry.

“Do they usually drug you?”

“Sometimes, when they want you to listen,” Charlie said with a grin and pushed a bowl of porridge towards him. He eyed it with distaste, feeling his stomach doing summersaults, but he had to eat. He vaguely remembered that Madeline had said something about Charlie being difficult. He let his gaze travel over her, with her Princess Leia shirt and colorful hoodie. The sleeves were rolled up, displaying the mark. Apart from that she looked normal, like just any teenager. Dean wondered why she was even allowed in here. Maybe they were trying to create a bond that they could exploit, just like with Lydia. But damn it, Dean was glad that he wasn’t alone.

“Hey… I’ve heard whispers. Is it true that you’re going to be part of some weird breeding program?” she asked and Dean looked at her over the top of his bowl. He licked his lips and put it back down before he grabbed a pancake.

“Why do you look so disgusted? You’re already part of a breeding program,” he retorted. Charlie wrinkled her nose.

“I actually hate that. I don’t like men. Like. At all. I mean look at you. No offense, but you don’t look too hot. I wouldn’t even climb you at gun point.” Dean huffed out a laugh, he couldn’t help it. She looked so serious and disturbed by that idea.

“So what… You’re a lesbian amazon?” Dean asked and Charlie seemed to think that through but it was obvious that she was okay with that idea.

“You think that’s bad? I mean I can’t help it. Have you seen the girls around here? They’re hot.” Dean actually laughed at that and reached out to ruffle her hair. She laughed with him, but then she sobered up when she heard the bell. The sound was dull down here, but Charlie still gathered her things.

“Charlie?” She turned away from the door to look at him. “I don’t think it’s bad. If you have to get through your four years here. You can think about running away later. My mom would take you in, I’m sure. She’s really nice.” Charlie seemed to hesitate, her shoulders slightly hunched. She didn’t say anything for a while, her expression somber. But she nodded once, then she left the room.

“No need to lock it, I’ll have to have a chat with Dean.” The voice made Dean’s hackles raise instantly and he rose to his feet. Madeline smiled at Charlie and closed the door. Dean still got to see the insecure, almost scared expression on her face before the door fell shut.

“I see you’re liking Charlie’s company,” she said and Dean refrained from answering. “Sometimes you come across an amazon that needs a bit more time. Who has to be encouraged to share in the offering to Harmonia. I remember Deanna being the same.” Madeline smiled down at him. “But in the end they all kill. But they also mess up. They tend to hesitate, let guilt dictate them, run into hunters. It’s a shame.” Dean glared up at him. “I like that you have a friend here, Dean. And I’m sure some things can be arranged.”

“What do you mean,” he asked flatly and Madeline crossed her arms over her chest, lifting one shoulder to shrug.

“I have some ideas,” she replied and her expression wasn’t reassuring at all. She smiled at Dean and then she left him to ponder her words.

* * *

 

Dean should have known that Madeline would be back with that drug. This time he resisted, punching and kicking, fingers crooked into claws, teeth bared. Drawing blood. He felt like a monster, he knew that he must look like one to Charlie who was standing close to the door, her eyes wide, holding a tray in her hands. The glass of milk was swaying with her trembling. Charlene punched him in his face, stunning him long enough for Madeline to push the needle into his arm. The effects followed almost at once, forcing Dean to his knees, panting, the floor swaying. His vision swam before his eyes, familiar pulsing sending a rush of nausea through him.

“On this special night, you join an exceptional family.” Madeline’s voice made him ball his hands into fists. It billowed around him, like smoke, suffocating, irritating him. He tried to force his eyes open, seeing nothing but lightning flickering through darkness. Slowly it took shape. Charlie was still there, with her tray. Part of the milk had spilled. Dean smelled fear on her, he smelled fear all over. Maybe it was his own.

“You are ready to take your place alongside us and learn our traditions.” The air in the room shifted and it took a moment for him to realize that Madeline and Charlene had left, leaving only Charlie with him. When his eyes landed on her he saw her give a start. The tray dropped from her hands, the glass shattering. There was something else on the tray, something that glinted in the dark. Where usually was a tray with meat on it, there was a blade.

“Dean… Don’t… Please don’t hurt me,” he heard Charlie say. Dean blinked up at her in surprise. There was now the blade in his hand. He didn’t even remember walking over there. Charlie was pressed to the wall, her own hands empty.

“I’m not… Trying to hurt you,” Dean forced out. “Why are you here?”

“I don’t know… They asked me to carry the tray and wait until you can pay the tribute. I thought… I thought they wanted me to witness how you joined our tribe. But… But what if I am the tribute?!” No matter how the drug made his mind spiral out of control, Dean knew that this was absurd.

“That’s not gonna happen. You’re an amazon.”

“Really? It’s not like you can’t kill me. You know that I killed too, I’m evil in your eyes, right?” she said, hurt, reproach and shame vibrating along the words. Dean squeezed his eyes shut.

“You’re a good kid,” Dean told her and then he wiped the blood off his face. His fingers were wrapped around the hilt of the knife. That was the only point of comfort he felt and he hated it. He shivered when Charlie, in what must have taken a huge amount of courage, wrapped his fingers around his hand and pulled the knife loose.

“Do you want to talk?” she asked and Dean didn’t even remember how to talk at this moment, but he gave a jerky nod. His eyes tracked where she put the knife. Just beside her, on the other side of her hips when she sat down. “Don’t get me wrong, Dean… I know you don’t want to be here. But I wish you’d join.” He didn’t feel like answering, focusing instead on his breathing. His whole body was on fire. Maybe they were trying to kill him or hurt him enough until he begged for them to stop. “It’s really not so bad. And we could be friends! Right now I can’t really imagine having friends.” She heaved a sigh. “I’m gonna be here four more years. And then what? I won’t be like others. Will I be expected to just be normal? For two years? Then pack up everything, have a little murder baby and then start my life over again? Again and again in this two year cycle? How do people not get mad?”

Dean listened to her voice, trying to focus on her words but they became vague and foreign, nothing but a wordless melody, soft ups and downs as she talked. He felt the cold stonewall against his back, felt it dig into the ridges of his spine. There was a patch of light by his feet, almost touching his toes. It shifted, quivered. Was it the sun? No, just the light coming in from the small round windows. The outside world was nothing but this light, the patch changing. It was getting darker around him, early evening dipping the light red and then it dimmed. Charlie had fallen silent a while ago and she had lost shape to Dean. She was warmth and a familiar vibration that Dean knew in his heart, a fellow amazon. He wanted to protect her. He didn’t know her, but something inside of him recognized her as kin. As the most important thing in the world. He started to his feet, feeling restless. Eyes were tracking him, but it was okay. It was just Charlie. He walked in circles, palm against the wall. There were candles that were burning, just faint flickers and Dean wished for there to be a fire in the pit. It was getting cold, he knew, but his body was too hot still. Pulse rapid in his throat. Charlie said something, but Dean only noticed that it sounded louder than before. He picked up on her nervousness and right after there was someone else approaching. Some danger. The door screeched open. There was shouting and then the door slammed shut. Charlie was hitting the wood, a frantic drumming sound.

Dean finally noticed that someone else was in the room with them, someone foreign. It was a man, he smelled of danger, the scent sharp and foreboding. Dean narrowed his eyes, spotting his shadow pulsing dark in the cellar. Dean didn’t recognize him, but he saw the shot-gun in his hand and the knife in the other. It was silver, a sharp sliver of light reflecting off it. Dean widened his eyes when suddenly there was a throbbing pain in his shoulder, shortly after followed by a high pitched scream. Dean watched blood seep into the dark fabric of his shirt, seeing torn flesh through the tear in the fabric. He wiped his head around when he heard the gun being reloaded and ducked out of the way. The table behind him splintered. He didn’t know what was happening here, but apparently the man was intent on killing him or Charlie or both of them.

The guy cursed and then there was the knife. Silver can’t kill an amazon, Dean knew instinctively, but if he landed a critical hit, he could still bleed out. When the man rushed towards him, Dean gave him a kick to his knees. He felt the crack of bone, more than he heard it, but the silver knife slashed his side. Dean momentarily stumbled, pressing his palm against the wound. Not lethal, not lethal. He felt his anger rise, vision red now, blood singing in his ears. The attacker came for him again and Dean pushed him. He felt his power in his arms and he screamed in rage. The man flew through the air, crashing into the wall. He groaned but while Dean tried to breathe, tried to think, the man managed to get his feet back under him, and he managed to pull Charlie towards him. Red strands of her long hair were wrapped around his fingers. The knife was slicing the air around her face before he held it out towards him, like a shield. Charlie struggled, her eyes red now too. The man groaned when Charlie rammed her elbow into his stomach, letting her go enough for Charlie to kick at the knife on the floor. His knife. Dean lifted it up quickly, wrapping his blood soaked fingers around the handle.

This felt right. This felt powerful.

It sliced through his body like through water, the blood ran down the metal like rain. It splattered down the floor and Dean watched as twitching fingers let go of Charlie’s hair, red slipping through those dirty fingers.

“This is a tribute to the one who created and protected us.”

He heard the voice clearly, even over his heavy breathing. Charlie was shivering close to him, hiding her face with her hands. Charlene was there now, pulling the body away and Madeline wiped the blood off Dean’s face. She was smiling.

“We hunt for her. We kill for her.” Charlene pried the knife out of Dean’s fingers. Madeline smiled up at Dean, pushing a glass into his slippery palm. It was cold to the touch. There was a plate, Dean saw sweet strawberry blossoms delicately swirl around the rim.

“And now we consume that kill as a symbol of unity with those who have completed their blood missions and furthered the life of the tribe.” Dean didn’t resist when Madeline put the still warm meat in his hand, he put it in his mouth, he swallowed, Charlie made a cut off sound, too much like a sob. He wanted to look at her, unsure now, but Madeline put a gentle hand on his cheek. “Drink up, Dean. You did well. You protected your kin.” Dean pressed the rim of the glass towards his lips. The milk washed down the taste of blood.

“From now on,” Madeline promised, “it will be easier.” Dean didn’t believe her, but Charlie did the crying. It was fine. He was alright. It was better this way.


	9. Chapter 9

Castiel was livid.

After Dean’s short trip to catch his breath had slowly dragged into days, his worry had equally slowly tipped over into anger. And no small amount of disappointment.

It hurt. Dean was gone after they had barely been able to talk about a potential future together or at least the future of their child.

Castiel had no idea why Dean had decided to leave, but by the fourth day of solitude and radio silence to his phone calls and texts, Castiel was ready to let sickening fear and profound sadness make way for something more productive.

He couldn’t believe that Dean had actually abandoned him and his child, it was simply too cruel. Dean had seemed like a kind man, with a lot of issues, but he had seemed responsible too. Maybe Castiel had pushed him too much when he had hoped to be… family. Yes, he had hoped to be a family with Dean. Castiel had already suspected that this was a bad idea, but right now he was effectively beating himself up over it. He didn’t even know Dean. Sure, they were comfortable around each other, had had mind-blowing sex, and living together with him had been the happiest Castiel had been, no matter the outrageous circumstances. It was a testament to his loneliness that he had latched onto Dean so firmly, but Dean had seemed interested. So he had allowed himself to dream.

It was foolish, yes. But what else should he have done other than try to be optimistic? He had something growing inside him that shouldn’t be growing. So what if he had tried his best to make something good out of it? Maybe if the supernatural hadn’t been a shadow accompanying his entire life, he might have reacted more rashly. He might have done exactly what Mary Winchester had feared him to do. But Castiel knew what it meant to be different and what it was like to try so hard to be normal but to find nothing but isolation. Because he wasn’t normal. He knew it.

Foolish.

And now Castiel was left to rot in this bunker. Dean had the keys so the moment Castiel left the bunker he would be locked out. So much for safest place on Earth.

Luckily, Dean had erred on the side of caution when he had stocked up the pantry, so Castiel was in no danger of starving anytime soon, but he was still climbing the walls. He knew he had to keep his temper under control, because the lamps flickered already and the books quivered on the shelf, gentle tremors that mirrored Castiel shaking in anger.

There was no point to this. Castiel had to remain calm.

While the Winchesters were not listed in the online phone book, Castiel had gotten a hold of the number of Winchester Garage in Lawrence. It was the next best option, so he dialed. The phone rang a couple of times before it was picked up.

“Winchester Garage, how may I help?” The voice was unfamiliar, but he was pretty sure that he had the right number. “Hello?”

“Ah, I apologize. This is Castiel Novak. I am actually looking for John Winchester? If he’s available?” The man on the other end of the line was silent for a moment but then he hummed in assent.

“John told me about you,” the man said and he sounded vaguely excited. “I’m Henry, Dean’s grandfather. I’m actually excited to speak to you!”

“Oh, I… Thank you?” Castiel answered, unsure what to say. “I would love that, but I’m actually in a bit of trouble, so if you could…”

“Oh! Yes, of course! Give me a moment.” The answer sounded slightly alarmed and Castiel was glad when he heard him call for John. “He’ll be right with you. But I’ve got to ask… Are you really in the Men of Letter’s bunker?” That did surprise Castiel.

“They told you about it?” he wondered, hoping that it didn’t sound too rude. Henry chuckled.

“Yes… My father-“ There was a rustle on the phone, a small sound of protest and then John’s familiar voice came through the receiver.

“Castiel?”

“Thank god,” Castiel breathed in relief.

“What’s wrong? Are you in danger?”

“No, I don’t think so. But… Dean’s gone,” he confessed, tense during the silence that followed. “I’m sorry. I don’t know what I did. I mean… Yes I know. I asked some uncomfortable questions and maybe he got scared. But he hasn’t been here for 4 days and I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do.”

“Wait, Castiel, slow down,” John told him and Castiel took a deep breath. “Dean’s been gone for 4 days? Did he say where he was going?”

“No… I told him to get some fresh air because he was fidgeting,” Castiel confessed, “he just never came back.” Castiel let himself fall down into what he thought of as Dean’s armchair. It didn’t actually comfort him. John made a displeased sound.

“It’s not like Dean to disappear,” John admitted and Castiel had to agree. He might not know him so well but at least Castiel hadn’t expected it to happen until it actually did happen. “He sometimes needs to be alone for a while, to think and go through his issues, but never for long. He wouldn’t just leave you for 4 days without contact.”

“Has he been in contact with you?” Castiel asked but he knew the answer when John sighed.

“Not in the last couple of days.” This was hardly good news. Castiel tried to think back to something out of the ordinary. Dean’s fidgeting could have meant something, something that Castiel has failed to understand. Dean had been gone earlier too… And after that he’d been nervously staring at his phone.

“Do you think he’s in trouble?” he asked.

“I don’t know…”

“He acted like he was waiting for a phone call or a message,” he offered, unsure if it would help. Probably not.

“That’s odd,” John said but the rest of his sentence got lost when Castiel heard the loud sound of the lock springing open. Oh thank God.

“I think he’s coming back, I just heard the door open,” he said.

“Wait! Cas what if-“ Castiel didn’t really hear him, snapping his phone shut and getting up from the armchair. The steps were coming down the metal stairs, hesitatingly, but he was no longer alone. His heart was hammering in his chest, anger and relief warring within him. The moment he came into the main room he froze. There was a woman standing at the foot of the stairs. For a moment he didn’t recognize her. He saw the bunker’s key in her hand, a look of surprise on her face. It was Lydia, the amazon who had chosen him to die after she bore his child.

“Castiel,” she said but then she shrieked in alarm when she was slammed against the wall. Castiel was shaking, his anger and fear making the lights flicker and his hands trembled, even when he kept them in fists at his sides. He heard her gasp, her eyes wide as she tried to wiggle out of the invisible hold.

“How did you get the key and how did you find this place?” Castiel growled.

“Dean asked me for help. I was supposed to look into the records to find out if something like this had happened before,” she answered, calmer now than she looked. She huffed and jerked her head, her hair falling around her face in a wild mess. “But the amazons found out and they got to Dean before I could.” Castiel’s anger flared and one of the decorative knifes flew off its shelf to hover close to Lydia’s face. She widened her eyes but otherwise didn’t react to the threat.

“Talk, fast,” he ordered.

“When they abducted him they didn’t take his jacket or his notebooks. I found the key and the coordinates to this place easily. He’s always been a bit too trusting and a bit too careless,” Lydia said and Castiel could see a bead of sweat roll down her face, her eyes red like Dean’s got when he was anxious.

“So you came here to kill me? Or do you want to abduct me too?” Castiel asked. Lydia sneered, far from the sweet expressions she tended to wear around him when she was trying to ask him out on a date.

“I’m here to help,” she spat to Castiel’s surprise. His instinct was not to trust her, because what reason did she have to help? She didn’t care about him. And Dean himself had warned him against her. He did lower the weapon, flicking his finger to make it fly to him. He grabbed it and hoped it looked convincing enough even though he had no idea how to use it. It was actually very heavy. He let Lydia go and she stumbled a bit when the force pressing her to the wall retreated.

“I’m surprised that you have powers,” Lydia said instead of explaining why she was really here. “It’s good that our matron doesn’t know because that would probably make you more attractive as a father.”

“You already found me fitting,” he reminded her and Lydia shrugged. She wisely didn’t come closer than to the other end of the long table. He didn’t react while she looked him over.

“Also, if she’d knew about your pregnancy, she would certainly have abducted you too. Even though you were really hard to find here.”

“Was that the reason you came here?” he snapped and Lydia rolled her eyes as if it was her place to be irritated with him.

“I said I’m here to help. Dean was worried about you and I had to tell you what happened. Believe It or not, Dean and I were friends once.”

“I’m not sure I believe it,” Castiel admitted. “But that is hardly the point. You know I will incapacitate you if you try to betray me. The only reason I haven’t snapped your neck yet is because you are the only one who might have an idea about Dean.”

“You’re a lot more violent than you seemed,” Lydia said with a snort and Castiel narrowed his eyes. “Listen, Castiel. They will try to turn Dean into a full amazon. They supported our friendship because they always were curious about him. Now, they saw a chance to grab him so he did.”

“Did you give him away?”

“I might not have been as careful as I should have been. They did get suspicious when I was trying to look into their archives, so they must have followed me,” Lydia explained and even though Castiel knew not to trust her, he assumed that she was honest. She seemed bothered by Dean’s abduction.

“Why do they want Dean?”

“Because they don’t like rogue amazons. A male amazon could still get pregnant or maybe they’ll want to try to spread amazon genes quicker. You’re proof that Dean’s fertile enough to knock someone up. Though you don’t really look pregnant.”

“It’s only been two months,” Castiel argued, “I’m not supposed to look like I’m pregnant, no matter how fast your lot grows. My body is hardly in a condition to support a swift pregnancy.”

“That’s what Dean was worried about too,” Lydia told him and Castiel’s heart skipped a beat. He knew it was silly, but knowing that Dean was concerned enough to go to an enemy for help was… foolish. But touching too.

“I don’t think this is important now. We have to free Dean. I don’t think he wants to be a full amazon, whatever that means. And he would especially not want to be part of a breeding program. He was absolutely terrified of the thought of having just one child. Whether he carried it or not.”

“Yeah, he’s a fool,” Lydia said and Castiel shot her a disapproving glare. “But he’s a good man.”

“Do you know where they are?” Castiel asked her and Lydia sighed, shaking her head.

“They usually set up camp to educate the young amazons. But it’s been years since I left my own school and they are bound to have changed locations.” Castiel groaned. “But hey, don’t despair. We’ll find him. And if not, he’ll probably find us.” Castiel didn’t like the sound of that.

\--

Breaking the news of their son’s abduction to the Winchesters went about as well as Castiel had feared. He took the shouting and the crying, as well as the implicit accusations with a blank face and tried to not let it get to him. He knew that it wasn’t his fault that Dean was abducted, not really. Even if they had never met – a thought that felt like a stab to the chest – the amazon tribe had obviously still been looking for him.

“His car is pretty eye-catching,” Lydia said when there was silence for a while on the phone, the faint voice of John calming his wife coming through the speaker. “It’s not really the car you want to use if you want to keep a low profile.” Castiel shot her a look but she just shrugged at him. It was true after all.

“We didn’t know that they were looking for Dean. I always thought we were well-hidden.” Mary finally managed to say, her voice breaking at first, but then she cleared her throat.

“Well hidden?” Lydia whispered and Castiel wondered just when she had gotten close enough to him to do that. “They think that just because we only saw the three of them whenever they messed up a mating cycle, they were well hidden? Amazons aren’t just twiddling their thumbs when they’re off the mating cycle.”

“Shht,” Castiel admonished sharply. “Mary,” Castiel started again, “Both Lydia and Mrs. Campbell are familiar with the kind of hide-out they use for the education of their youngest members. Maybe it would be wisest to start there. Maybe we can narrow the search down if we find connections between the last cities they chose for mating.”

“I suppose it’s a start,” John agreed, “we’re going to be on it. Are you holding up the fort?” Castiel sighed.

“According to Lydia they don’t know that I could be of any interest to them, so I suppose keeping myself off the chessboard is the best idea for now. The Men of Letters have done research on the amazons. Of course, the records are outdated because this place has been abandoned for a while. But maybe there are hints.”

“What kind of hints are you looking for?” Mary asked. “I don’t think there’s anything in the lore that will help us. We know how to kill amazons and I’m not indoctrinated so I can do it.”

“I know that, but amazons have been part of the supernatural pantheon for years. There’s bound to be helpful lore on them.”

“Cas, we don’t exactly have time for fairy tales now. There’s a stark difference between legends and reality.” Castiel frowned. Of course that was true, but if you didn’t know the roots of a story, you couldn’t properly envisage just what changes from the roots meant.

“Yes, but-“ Castiel started but Mary interrupted him.

“I know nobody wants to address it, but you have powers Cas. Once we find Dean, and we will, it might be best to have you on the battle field.” Castiel balked at the idea.

“I don’t have any training,” he muttered and Lydia snorted. “And I’m… I’m pregnant?”

“Cas, it’s okay. Don’t worry about it,” John said softly, talking over the protest of his wife. “We’re going to be in touch as soon as we’ve found out more. Keep a low profile and research.” Castiel opened his mouth to say something but then the connection broke off.

“Well, I think your boyfriend’s mother doesn’t like you too much,” Lydia said and Castiel slumped down in his chair, propping his elbows up on the table and dropping his face into his palms. Castiel knew he shouldn’t allow this to upset him this much. He and Dean weren’t a couple. Dean’s family didn’t have to like him. But he wanted them to like him. It was irrational, but he had no one else. He had no friends, no family he was in contact anymore.

“Are you crying?” Lydia’s voice carried a note of surprise.

“No,” Castiel grunted. He lifted his head, just propping his chin up on his fingers now, studying the folders on the table without seeing them.

“I’m not sure why you care so much, but Mary’s just focused on Dean. She projects her fears of failing him onto anything that might harm him.”

“But I don’t mean to harm Dean.”

“And I’m sure she knows this, but this must be a stressful situation for a mother,” Lydia said and she sounded almost gentle.

“It’s a stressful situation for me too,” Castiel grumbled and pushed himself away from the table. “I’m going to find everything we have on amazons. We have to do research.” Castiel tried not to think about John’s words “don’t worry about it”. Castiel looked down at his palm and tentatively lifted it. He felt no anger, just tired and frustrated. He pointed it at the door handle in front of him. Nothing happened. He sighed and shook his head. He opened the door and went into the archive.

\--

Castiel was up to his elbows in lore and notes. There was not a lot that he could find hidden away in this bunker, but enough to retrace the amazons origins in the States.

“What’s that?” Castiel gave a start, turning around to see Lydia walk up to him. She had two boxes of pizza in her arms that she dropped down onto the table. The scent was heavenly. Castiel hadn’t eaten anything but canned soups and beans for the last three weeks. He couldn’t leave the bunker and pretty much all he could convince Lydia to get for him was bland and boring stuff from gas stations.

“I’m also a bit of a persona non grata. They might come looking for me too. Or Dean might after a round of brain washing. I liked Dean once, that doesn’t mean that I have to put my life on the line,” she had explained when she refused to take the shopping list Castiel had held out to her. So canned soup it was. He was a bit worried about the unvaried and especially unhealthy diet, consider that he was pregnant.

While Castiel took a slice of pizza, Lydia pulled a piece of paper form underneath the box.

“The records you stole weren’t useless,” Castiel said.

“They said that no man would partake in the blessing of Harmonia. That means that Dean’s not supposed to be accepted into the clan. But it also means that you shouldn’t be incubating an Amazon inside of you,” Lydia reminded him. “Which tells us absolutely nothing apart from the fact that you two are anomalies.”

“The thing with source material is that you’ve got to ask the right questions,” Castiel said and Lydia rolled her eyes.

“And what is the right question, professor?” Lydia asked and Castiel looked up her, with a frown.

“I don’t know yet.” Lydia groaned. “But the records comment on the amazon activity in the States. They record the births and deaths, the children born, the long list of names. It’s like a machinery.”

“Well, yes. There’s strength in numbers. That’s the whole idea behind it,” Lydia said and Castiel lifted his hand.

“When there’s a war,” he stated and Lydia lifted an eyebrow. Castiel took another bite of his pizza, swallowing quickly and grabbing notes with still grease stained fingers. He would have to apologize to Dean afterwards, because he knew how Dean disliked messes. “The reason amazons turned towards Harmonia was because their numbers had been diminished. They were close to dying out as a warrior race due to the amount of wars that were waged. Before they turned to Harmonia they were normal humans, women as good at warfare as any army of men. What Harmonia granted the tribe was more power and most importantly more warriors in exchange for an offering.”

“That’s nothing new.”

“Yes, but there’s no war now. And Harmonia never specified that the sacrifice she wanted was the blood of an amazon’s father.” Castiel pulled a manila folder out of a pile and handed it to Lydia. “So: why does your clan still stock up on new amazons? Why the ritualistic murder?”

“I don’t like to say it, but monsters are governed by rules and traditions. They might simply be trying to upload old rules,” Lydia said, flipping through the pages. “What is this?”

“This organization tried to research. Back when they were still active, amazon activity in the States was minimal. Also very hard to keep track of unless they mess up.”

“We all mess up,” Lydia mumbled and Castiel shot her a look, but apparently she wasn’t in the mood to elaborate.

“Amazons came to the US relatively late. Around early 20th century hunters killed an amazon. That was the first recorded case. Of course, it’s likely that there were more before, keeping a low profile. But suspicions in the hunter ranks grew because there was now another monsters to look out for, one that you usually didn’t encounter outside of Europe.”

“Well, we can get on planes and ships. That makes movement much easier,” Lydia mused. “But what are you on about?”

“Amazons aren’t a problem in Europe,” Castiel told her and she lifted her eyebrow, “there are amazonian tribes, but they blend in with humans. According to the notes, they live normal lives, have relationships with men while maintaining close ties to the members of their clans. They don’t murder. They still offer Harmonia sacrifices, but usually they hunt together – hunt animals I mean -and then offer the kill. So why doesn’t your clan?”

“Maybe because the hunters are a threat?”

“I’m pretty sure that very few hunters even know about amazons. Aren’t they all busy with ghosts?”

“Sweetheart, there are a lot more monsters out there than ghosts,” Lydia said with a laugh. Castiel shrugged and closed the book.

“I’m just saying. I think your clan isn’t doing this the way it’s supposed to. You could all be leading normal lives, but instead you’re part of some murdering cult,” Castiel said. Lydia eyed him critically, then she took the files and sat down next to her own pizza box.

“Uh-huh,” was all she said.

“Maybe if we could stop this? I could try summoning Harmonia?”

“And do what? Hope she’ll strike down Madeline? No. I think we should try to fight our own, smaller battle. And that is to make sure you get Dean back.”

“I know, but it won’t be over once we get Dean back. They might come for him again.”

“Then maybe consider a move out of the States,” Lydia said and Cas narrowed his eyes at her. Why was she being so dense? Did amazons really not care about any other human being once they were part of the clan? Castiel felt a tremor inside him, some ball of tickling feelings deep in his stomach. He flicked his fingers and a leaflet flew off the table and slapped Lydia in the face. She glared at him. Castiel was sure that she was working herself up to saying something far from nice, but then her phone vibrated. She quickly pulled it out and checked the number.

“Maybe it’s Dean?” Castiel said hopefully. Lydia shot him a look, but then she brought the phone to her ears.

“Who’s this?”

“Is this… Is this Lydia?” Lydia put the phone on speaker mode and Castiel could hear the voice of a young woman.

“Yes, who’s there? How did you get this number?”

“I’m… Charlie. I’m an amazon. I found your number in Madeline’s office,” her voice was shaky, somewhat breathy. “She can’t find out that I’m calling you. But I had to. Dean mentioned you once. You and Cas. I don’t know who she is, so you’re my only hope.”

“Charlie? This is Cas,” Castiel spoke up and he could hear the hitch in Charlie’s breathing, like she was startled. “I’m his boyfriend.” Lydia had the audacity to smile at the lie.

“O… oh. Hi!”

“Are you in danger? Is it safe for you to speak?” Castiel asked.

“Madeline is out today. She’s looking for employment options for our sisters,” Charlie muttered, “I stole a mobile phone from one of the supervisors. I don’t have a lot of time I think. But I don’t call because I’m in danger… I call because of Dean…” Castiel felt a shiver going through his entire body and he grabbed the edge of the table. He took a deep breath, releasing it slowly.

“We’ve been looking for him. Is he alive?” Castiel asked, keeping his voice calm and soothing. Charlie was clearly very upset and it must have taken a lot of courage to call Lydia.

“Things… things are happening to him. Oh, I feel so bad. I’m so sorry,” she sobbed.

“Focus, Charlie! Remember: bear the fear and the pain. You have to show courage!” Lydia snapped and that got Charlie’s sobbing to stop. She took a few hasty breaths and they could hear her swallow. “What is happening to him?”

“He’s got the mark now.” Castiel saw Lydia tense out of the corner of his eyes.

“What does that mean?”

“It means that Dean’s almost a full amazon now,” she said and showed Castiel her wrist, scarred as if it had been branded once. “First we join the tribe by sharing in the flesh of a hunt we sacrifice to Harmonia. Human flesh that we’re forced to wash down with a glass of milk. It’s ridiculous. The second step is getting the brand that identifies us as an amazon to everyone else. The transition and indoctrination is completed by the murder of the father.”

“I have to call John…!” Castiel said but Charlie interrupted them:

“He already spilled blood for Harmonia. He’s a full amazon now.” Castiel shot Lydia a horrified look. “They kept him in the cellar. They starved him to make him weak and then they drugged him. He was pretty out of it when they put me and a guy – a hunter – inside the cell. The hunter of course went to kill Dean, but Dean protected me and himself.” Castiel squeezed his eyes shut.

“Damn it,” Lydia said, “well, that’s a shame.”

“That’s all you’ve got to say?” Castiel asked and she shrugged.

“Look, even if you’re indoctrinated, you can still leave the clan. Deanna’s proof of that. But we’ve got to get Dean away from there.” Castiel rubbed his eyes, feeling helpless, but Lydia was right.

“Charlie, can you tell me where you are?”

“Not exactly, but I’m going to try,” she promised.

“I got this, you go lie down,” Lydia said and gave Castiel a shove. He looked at her in surprise, but she jerked her head towards the exit. “You look like you’re gonna faint any moment. So get lost.” Castiel didn’t resist. He grabbed the pizza box and slowly walked towards the room he had chosen for himself. He sat down on the bed, feeling numb. Dean was suffering and there was nothing Castiel could do. He was not strong, he was not part of this.

He looked at the pizza box, almost empty now. He couldn’t even properly use his powers as they usually only came out when he felt driven in a corner. He studied the grease stains on the cardbox, the dented corners. And then he imagined it shaking. It had been easy to send a leaflet flying at Lydia when he had been annoyed. It was just a box. It wasn’t even heavy. He pictured how it would resist gravity for a while, then shakily lift into the air. He imagined it spinning and spinning, getting more secure as Castiel’s hold on it strengthened. But the box frustratingly kept lying on his bed.

Intellectually, Castiel knew why he couldn’t move the box. Ever since his parents died, not using his powers had meant to remove himself from a life with darker shadows and scarier truths. It meant living a normal life, or as normal as it could be in the isolation that had followed. And he had… he had been complacent with that. Comfortable almost in his lack of a life, in the regularity and predictability of his days. It had hurt him, but change had been terrifying. Until he had found himself in the focus of amazons. He had been willing to latch on to the first offer of friendship, even though he had assumed to have to pay a price for the human contact he’d get with Lydia. A price he hadn’t really been willing to pay. But with Dean though? Dean had been a bright light in his otherwise dull life. He had made him dare to do and feel things in a sudden intensity that had been staggering. Dean had been the metaphorical door to new possibilities. But also to all the dangers that Castiel knew had been lurking in the dark. The first time he dared something and he already found himself in a ridiculous situation. Female organs in his body, a child in there that Castiel had… well… he had been disgusted. Disgusted with everything that happened to him and disgusted with how out of his control it had been. He had been angry at Dean for the secrecy, angry at Mary for the accusations. He was still angry at both now and he knew that thinking about a happy future with his child wasn’t really able to hide his mixed feelings.

And now? The only reason the damned box didn’t move was because he was scared. He didn’t want to go fight battles. He didn’t want to get an upgrade from threat to asset in Mary’s eyes. This all was a high cost to pay just because he didn’t want to be lonely again.

Castiel dropped his face into his hands, taking some shaking breaths.

There was a knock on the doorframe and he looked up to see Lydia peering into the room.

“Charlie didn’t have a lot of information for us, but I think we’ve got a good start to narrow down our search. I'll contact Mary and Deanna,” she said. Castiel lowered his head and nodded. He knew that Lydia was still standing there. “You’re gonna sit this one out?”

“I would only be in the way,” he said and Lydia snorted.

“Okay, have it your way,” she said dismissively and closed the door on him. Castiel balled his hands into fist, irritation rising. Did any amazon in this cursed country ever think that their own problems didn’t always come first? That humans weren’t just pieces to shove around so they could go through with their plans?

Dean.

Of course Dean. Dean was the only one who seemed to care, even though his own issues were getting in the way of making good progress. But Dean had cared. Dean had put a halt to his own life to come hide away in this bunker with him.

Dean who was forced to go through something traumatic because he had worried about Cas. Castiel took a few shaky breaths, the emotions in his belly burning and climbing up, soaring in his chest, make his throat feel raw. He felt his eyes burn, feeling almost relief when tears spilled over, dropping hot down to the cover.

This was all it came down to. What was he willing to do for Dean?

 


	10. Chapter 10

Mary was tense when Castiel got out of the car. Her eyes flashed red in warning when she saw Lydia, but she had accepted her as a reluctant ally. It wasn’t like Mary had any choice since Lydia was the best chance they had to get Dean back.

“We’ve been able to narrow down Dean’s location,” Deanna said. She was dressed pretty much like Castiel had seen Dean dress; in jeans and a denim jacket over some flannel. She had a bag across her shoulder that she threw into the car.

“Cas!” Sam’s voice made Castiel look past Mary to the open doorway. The young boy was waving at him, grinning so wide that his cheeks dimpled. Castiel hesitated but waved back.

“Why don’t you come in for a cup of tea?” Mary said, voice friendly and sweet and Castiel wondered if she faked it in front of her son or if she had warmed up to him. Either way he was glad for the invitation. The house looked slightly messier than he remembered it being last time. Mary didn’t comment on it but it was obvious that she was anxious.

“I’m sorry,” she said when she put a cup of tea in front of him. Castiel looked at her in surprise, but she continued right away, her cheeks red and her eyes lowered: “how’s the baby?”

“Not giving me any trouble,” Castiel said, because he didn’t have anything else he could tell her. “Though I’m unsure what to do once it’s born. I wanted to keep it, but don’t know if I can raise it right. And if Dean…” Mary tensed at once and Castiel sighed, lifting his hand in apology. “I’m sorry. Let’s not talk about this now.” Dean’s mother shook her head.

“Dean cares a lot about you,” Mary told him, “from the very beginning. If… if things had turned out differently, if he had been able to be honest with you from the start… I’m pretty sure we wouldn’t be sitting here, trying to get through an awkward talk.” Castiel smiled.

“I’m not sure. I’ve been known to be awkward around people,” he said and it had the desired effect of getting a small smile out of Mary too. “What is going to happen now?” Mary sighed deeply.

“I don’t know to be honest. It might take a while to find Dean and we won’t know what is going to happen once we do. I’m scared, Castiel.”

“Dean has never been very forthcoming with information about himself or his family. But he told me that your sister was also taken by them,” Castiel observed. “Do you fear that Dean could come after you?”

“No… No. Maggie had been taken pretty much after her birth. Dean’s been with us for 14 years. I refuse to believe that they can destroy him so completely.” Her voice broke and she let her head fall forwards, hiding her eyes with her palm. “I can’t believe that this happened to Dean.” Castiel watched her, feeling unsure what to do. She composed herself after only half a minute, taking a deep breath and putting both of her palms on her chest. “I’m sorry… I know crying doesn’t help get my baby back.”

“It looks like your mother will take charge of Dean’s rescue?” It was probably not really a good thing to say as a response, but Mary seemed thankful that he didn’t linger on her small outburst of emotion.

“Yes. She and Lydia will be going to the general vicinity of where they appear to be hiding, hoping to break Dean out,” she explained. “Their hide out seems to be somewhere in the west of Montana, but we can’t be too sure.”

“You’re not going?” Castiel asked and Mary shook her head. “But I thought Amazons weren’t able to kill other Amazons. Neither Deanna nor Lydia will be able to effectively fight the Amazons holding Dean.”

“I can’t possibly fight Dean. And someone has to protect John and Sam.”

“The bunker will protect you, I promise. Nobody will be able to get in,” he said and handed the key to Mary.

“What about you? Won’t you come to the bunker with us?” she wondered, turning the key around in her hands before she put it in her pocket. Castiel sighed, looking at his hands. There were lying flat against his knees. He didn’t know how much power rested in these hands, or how much conviction there was in his heart.

“It could take a long time for Lydia and Deanna to find Dean,” he said. “Maybe I can be of use.” Mary looked at him, her eyes wide open, her expression a mix of relief and sadness. They were still shining with tears, red and puffy.

“I know I suggested that, Cas, but I wasn’t thinking straight,” she told him.

“And maybe I’m not either, but if I can help Dean? I’ve at least got to try,” he admitted and then he put his tea down. “I’m going to try.” Mary held his gaze, then she closed her eyes, tears dropping from underneath her lashes.

“Thank you,” she whispered. Castiel got up from his seat, giving Mary’s shoulder a light squeeze, then he stepped out of the house again. Lydia was leaning against the car, looking bored almost.

“So, you coming?” she asked even though Castiel was sure she knew the answer. Deanna was sitting behind the wheel, sending him an encouraging smile.

“Yes,” he agreed. Lydia smiled and then got into car. They were taking Deanna’s car, not the impala, that Lydia had hotwired to drive to the bunker (Dean would be livid about that once they got him back).

“This is going to be much easier with bait,” she said and Castiel decided to ignore her even though she was right. When he looked back to the house he saw Sam sitting on the chairs. He waved at him. Castiel hoped that he would see him again.

* * *

 

The snap of the mobile phone being shut echoed in the otherwise quiet interior of the car. It was dark, a streetlight close-by casting speckled light through the raindrops on the windshield. The leather squeaked as the driver turned.

“I knew that Charlie would come through,” Madeline said and he could hear the smile in her voice. “All of our sisters that doubt always find back to us. Courage and loyalty, Dean. This is what makes our clan so successful.” Dean didn’t answer. He recalled what his mother used to say, about what would make him stay safe. Prudence and clarity. Courage and loyalty. Two sides of the same coin. “Sometimes you’ve got to meddle a bit,” Madeline continued. “Your trust of Lydia led us to you. And I knew that letting Charlie go unsupervised for a bit, would give us information. Charlie likes you, Dean. In the end she’s always going to choose you over those who have gone rogue.”

“Why are we here?” Dean asked, cutting her talking short. This was the first time in Dean didn’t know how long where he had been allowed outside. Madeline smile at him and then she gave him binoculars. He frowned at her, then he lifted them to his eyes. They were out in the middle of nowhere. Madeline had chosen less populated roads, never passing any town with a memorable name. Dean had no idea where he was. They had passed some small cabins and a bed and breakfast, but had left those behind some time ago. There had been nothing but road and trees for a while. He could see a light in the distance and with the binoculars he could make out that it was a cabin, with a car parked out front. But it was too dark to see much apart from the fact that it was currently inhabited.

“I think it’s time to make sure that your training is complete,” he heard Madeline say and he felt a flutter of fear and nausea that he quickly forced down. “So it’s only right for you to clean up this loose end.”

“Is my father in that cabin?” Dean asked flatly. He didn’t know how to feel when Madeline laughed.

“Dean, we both know that you can’t kill your father. Or your mother. I’m no fool. You have been living with your human family for too long for you to be able to abandon them.” Dean hoped he managed to mask his relief. “No. We have to do something smaller. Someone who was supposed to die anyway. His period of grace is now over.” Madeline flipped her phone back open and showed Dean a picture.

It was Castiel.

He held his breath, felt his entire body go numb with dread. Madeline watched him closely, her face stern.

“Bear it, Dean. Your fear and hesitation is nothing but your weak humanity straining against your amazon blood.” Dean squeezed his eyes shut, but then he breathed deeply in and out and looked at the picture again. Castiel was reading a book, his expression concentrated, his hair slightly disheveled. He wasn’t a man that Dean would notice if he passed him in a bookstore. Kind of unassuming at first glance.

“This man, Castiel Novak, was supposed to be sacrificed to Harmonia during our last cycle. I know that you took a liking to him. Don’t think I don’t know. But you are not human anymore, Dean. This man is forever lost to you. So what do you have to lose by completing the sacrifice?” Dean pressed his lips together, biting back his retort. He knew that she was right, Castiel would never want him like this anymore. But having his blood on his hands, just because they had no more future together? “Prove that you’re ready. Prove that you are complete!” Dean gave a start when Madeline grabbed his hand. Her fingers pressed into the brand on his wrist, still raw, still painful. It wasn’t healing right.

“Yeah, and you know why,” Madeline said, as if she were reading his mind. She squeezed his wrist, but this time Dean remembered the lesson. Endure the pain, the pain is a gift. Harmonia’s blessing only felt like a curse to those who were weak, to those who were incomplete. He was complete now. _Almost_ complete. “You are resisting Harmonia. And she understands. You needed more time to mature, more sacrifice. But you owe her this. You have to do it.” Madeline put Dean’s ceremonial knife on his lap. It glinted dull gold in the light. “Do you know what you have to do?”

“Yes,” he replied firmly. Madeline nodded once.

“Then go. I will be waiting for you.” Dean opened the door, stepping out into the cool night. The air smelled clean, like rain. The road was still damp and the gravely path that led to the lone cabin had puddles on it. The forest around him was full of the noise of dripping foliage and light rustling in the undergrowth. But the night was quiet otherwise, the sound of cars on the road infrequent, distant and finally gone. The knife was in his belt, feeling heavy and ice cold.

Was Castiel really in this cabin? Why was he here? Why was he not in the bunker? How did Madeline even find out about him?

The fear and sickness were accompanied by something akin to relief. She hadn’t known about the pregnancy. For whatever reason, Madeline had not found out about that. There was no telling what she would have done, but he didn’t have to use his imagination to guess that it would have dragged out Castiel’s death. That thought was unbearable to Dean.

Every step that brought him closer was painful, but he had to endure. Endure the pain. It was better this way.

The cabin lay before him now. A car was parked next to it, a gold colored monstrosity that Dean would have laughed about if the circumstances had been different. There was light coming out of the windows, lightly muted by the curtains. The cabin looked inviting and warm, causing a pang of profound grief that almost made Dean stumble. It hurt so much, a fierce kind of pain and longing, a promise of love and shelter behind that door that Dean knew was lost to him forever. No matter what blood would be spilled once Dean went through his door, it would be over for him. He dug his nails into his palms, focusing on the throbbing pain in his wrist and the mantra of “courage, courage, courage” in his head. He knew the drill, he had been raised by Madeline for this. He was an amazon now, spilling blood for the tribe is what they had to do.

So he composed himself, let the blade come to rest comfortably in his palm until he no longer felt the warm metal as a foreign object. It was a part of him, the claw and fang that would do the deed. He took stock of the place. He quietly circled around the building to make sure that there was no other door that would allow for an ambush. While he could still feel Madeline in the back of his mind, there were no other amazons in this house. Castiel was alone.

Dean went to the door and it opened for him with minimal force. He had been silent, closing the door behind him again. The cabin was small. A kitchen area to the right side and a living room area with a beat up couch, an armchair and a tiny TV. One of the doors opened and Castiel came out, carrying a mug, not yet having noticed Dean.

Castiel looked up and froze.

“Cas,” Dean greeted and Castiel continued to stare at him. He took a small step forwards, wary, like approaching a wild animal.

“Dean,” Castiel replied, moving forward slowly under Dean’s watchful gaze. He reached the kitchen and put his mug down, swiftly moving behind the table to put something between him and Dean. Dean wasn’t sure what he expected from Cas. Anger? Loathing? The fear, yes, maybe disgust.

“What are you doing here?” Castiel asked. “I didn’t think you’d come for me or that you would find me.”

“I would always come for you,” Dean said honestly, but the situation made the statement far bleaker than he would have hoped. He didn’t try to act casual, to lull Cas into a false sense of security. They both knew that Castiel was trapped with a monster and that there was no way that both of them would make it out of here alive. Still, he studied Castiel, his hair its familiar mess, his clothes still baggy and lacking all sense of fashion, but now there was a small swelling of his middle. Dean wasn’t sure why he was surprised by this.

“You’re not as big as I imagined. Unless it’s been born already?” Dean asked and Castiel tensed, his hands pressing flat against the table.

“No. It’s been 4 months,” he said and Dean nodded slowly. Castiel’s expression shifted slightly, sadness seeping into his eyes. And Dean understood him. He felt that longing, so much longing for Castiel. To hold him in his arms, for this to all be nothing but a nightmare. To have their child, be a family. Not normal, but also not broken. They could make it work, he felt it. They could have made it work.

“How are you Dean?” Castiel asked and the question momentarily threw Dean off. “Did they hurt you?”

“The pain I experienced was necessary,” he retorted flatly and Castiel winced.

“But you’re back now Dean. You’re no longer locked up in that place.” Dean vaguely wondered how Castiel knew about it, but he pushed it to the back of his mind. “I don’t know how our child is doing. We can go to Dr. Robert together and find out.” Dean lowered his head.

“I can’t,” he whispered. “It’s over. I can’t.” He heard Castiel’s steps but Dean lifted the blade and Castiel’s steps stopped at once. He was at the edge of the table now, looking at the blade with wide eyes. “I’m one of them now, Cas.”

“So what,” Castiel says, his voice coming out flat, not as sweet and pleading as before. Dean looked up from the blade to Castiel, seeing him frown at him. “You have always been one of them.” Dean widened his eyes in surprise. “Do you really want kill me? Cut off my hands, cut off my feet and carve the mark into my chest just because you now bear it on your wrist?!”

“Cas… I don’t want to… Not you, but I’ve got blood on my hands now. I’ve been weak, Cas…” he told him, his throat feeling raw, his chest blooming with pain.

“Dean. Your grandmother, your mother, Lydia and Charlie… All of them decided to break away from what your clan forced you to do. Dean… it’s a mark. It will grow fainter and scar over. It’s just that. They hurt you, I know. But it’s just this. A scar.”

Dean brought his free hand up, his palm shaking, to cover his eyes. He felt them burn hot, his body trembling with shame and grief and this bitter, bitter longing.

“I know… I know but it’s so hard,” he said, tears heavy on his voice. “This is the first time I feel whole and right. Like the future is clear and my life makes sense.” He heard Castiel come closer, soft shuffling steps and each seemed to make Dean cry harder. “Why does it feel this way? They tormented me and forced the blood of a man on my hands? Just why… Cas… What is wrong with me.” He felt a soft hand on his arm, but jerked away. Distance. He needed distance between them. Madeline’s order still rang in his head. And what if he was weak? What if he was selfish?

“Dean… I don’t know what happened to you,” Castiel told him softly. “I can’t imagine how you must have suffered. But maybe there is good in it.” Dean dropped his hands in shock, feeling tears still slip down his cheeks. But his sadness was replaced by something else, something sharper. Anger? He felt it burn in his chest and his eyes switched, vision going sharper.

“Good?! Nothing’s good! How could it be?!” Dean gestured with the tip of the knife towards his face.

“Because you feel like you belong somewhere now. Because you feel whole,” Castiel answered, without missing a beat. “And that’s okay. It’s okay to embrace who you are instead of trying to bury it in shame.” Castiel lifted his hands. “I’ve ran away from myself too, hiding myself away so that nothing could ever happen. Nothing bad, but also nothing good. I just was. Now I feel I could have a place in life. And you? Dean. You’re an amazon and that’s alright.”

“Cas…,” Dean muttered, shaking his head in disbelief. He felt uneasy, this tickle in the back of his head, telling him that this was dangerous.

“I’ve done research Dean. The direction your leaders took your clan is not right. It’s not what Harmonia intended. You have a choice. You can do whatever you want.”

Dean felt breathless, his vision swimming and ears ringing. He could feel resistance inside of himself, Madeline’s voice haunting his mind. But through all of this mess, there also shone some clarity. The situation, when broken down into its simplest form was easy.

Kill Cas and please Madeline or let Castiel live?

That wasn’t even a choice. Despite all the roaring in his head, he knew that he couldn’t ever kill Castiel. He couldn’t kill Cas, just like he couldn’t kill his mother, or his father or Sam. It was ridiculous.

“I don’t want to,” he said, feeling calm seep into him as he lowered his blade. “I don’t want to kill you, Cas… And I won’t. That’s my choice,” he said and he could hear a relieved sob escape Castiel’s lips. He looked up and saw his eyes shining brightly, not yet crying. “I know what I have to do, but all I want to do is wrap you in a hug, be with you, have that child.” Castiel’s lips quivered but he didn’t approach, he didn’t speak. He waited. “God, Cas,” Dean whispered hoarsely. “I felt so lonely and bereft, but now you’re here. I can’t lose… I can’t lose you again.” Castiel opened his mouth, but then the door burst open. Dean’s instincts flared up, the danger he had felt in the back of his mind before, now burning like wildfire. Madeline was standing in the door, a gun lifted towards Castiel.

“I should have known that you needed more time. What a waste!” Madeline called and took aim. “It seems I have to make it easier for you.”

Dean shouted in alarm, but Castiel’s arm shot out and Madeline was slammed against the wall next to the door. He could see her eyes widen in shock, the hand with the gun impotently hanging at her side. Dean turned towards Castiel in surprise. Since when could he do that?!

“I thought you couldn’t even move a salt shaker!” he shouted in disbelief.

“I just need incentive,” Castiel said calmly, then he glared towards Madeline. By now the amazon leader had found her cool composure again. She huffed a laugh.

“What a shame that I didn’t know of this,” she said and Dean squared his shoulders. “And did I hear you correctly? You plan to have this man’s child? You would follow the call of Harmonia for this sacrifice?”

“Wrong,” Castiel said before Dean could answer. “I’m carrying Dean’s child.” Madeline looked at him with blank eyes, before understanding dawned. “I thought you knew, because I wanted you to consider me the best bait on the board.” Dean started at Castiel, completely floored by his calm countenance.

“No, I didn’t know. I shouldn’t have let Lydia slip away that easily. What a couple you two are. A man whose body changed to accommodate Dean? This mutated amazon,” Madeline said.

“Well, it seems like he has Harmonia’s blessing,” Castiel spat and that sent a look of rage across Madeline’s face. Her eyes flashed, she strained against Castiel’s hold. But Castiel never flinched.

“I’ve made my choice, Madeline,” Dean said. “I can’t kill Castiel.”

“Yes, I see now. You weren’t ready,” she spat. “I should have really kept you on a leash until the next mating cycle. Two years in solitude would have steeled your weak mind. Or I should have killed you right away. Killed you and your entire family. But there’s time. We have long tracked you Winchesters down.”

“And it never crossed your mind that Charlie didn’t sell us out, but she sold you out? Deanna and Lydia are on the way to your hide-out now,” Castiel told him and the dangerous look sharpened on Madeline’s face. But then she controlled herself, cool mask coming back into place.

“If you think you can burn it to the ground you’re mistake. We have a blood pact. They can’t kill me, nor any of my girls.” Dean tensed because he knew it to be true. Even if Cas asked him to, there was no way that he could plunge the knife into Madeline, or Charlene or any of the girls. “So you want to continue this game forever? You will always have to live in fear, always looking over your shoulder. You will never belong anywhere, always on the run, worrying about everyone. I was offering you something else and you’re throwing it away?”

“We know that you corrupted the clan. Your reign is over,” Castiel said and then he narrowed his eyes. Slowly he lifted his hand. “And I don’t mind killing you.” Dean’s head snapped towards him in disbelief and then he looked at Madeline. She seemed shocked and opened her mouth to say something. But then her hand moved, jerking up to her head and then then a single shot ran through the cabin.

Madeline dropped to the floor, blood pooling around her and Dean felt like his strings were cut. He dropped to the floor, feeling sick, bile clawing its way up his throat and then he was throwing up, retching, his mind buzzing, painful and nauseating. Madeline was dead. She was gone.

Dean shakily got to his feet, trying to find Castiel. He was still where he was before, eyes wide and face ashen. He slowly lowered his arm, his hand shaking at his side.

“Cas,” Dean breathed. He wiped his hand over his mouth, wincing when he moved his wrist. He stumbled over to him. “Cas…” Castiel turned his head to him, tears in his eyes.

“I’m sorry, I had to,” he breathed and then Dean had him in his arms. He held him tight, letting him shake against him, letting him cry silently until Dean just strengthened his hold on him. He was sobbing loudly now.

“Yes, I know… Thank you, Cas. I’m sorry. Thank you,” he said. He felt like he had woken out of dream, the last remnants of the fuzzy feeling of sleep falling away from him, his mind clear now. Clear like it had never been before. He pressed his face into Castiel’s hair and sent a prayer of thanks to whoever cared to listen.

They were both alive. Thank god, they were both here.

* * *

 

The piece of shit that Castiel called a car looked like it would break down any moment now, a mess of rusty parts squealing, Banshee screeches in his ears. Castiel was riding shot-gun, huddled against the window, a blanket from the cabin wrapped around him. There had been no reception back in the woods, so they drove on to the bed and breakfast. Dean sighed in relief when they pulled into the parking lot without breaking down. He patted the steering wheel in thanks.

“Hey… How about you get a bath and I’ll try to call someone?” Castiel nodded after a moment, slowly unfolding from his curled up position. All the previous strength and calm seemed to have drained out of him and Dean wasn’t surprised. It must have taken a lot of courage to sit in that cabin, wait for something to attack him. He wondered if he had simply be willing to risk dying for a chance of getting Dean back. The thought sent him reeling and he had to close his eyes to calm his breath. What Castiel had done for him was monumental. Dean couldn’t even properly wrap his head around it. What he could do now, was wrap his arm around Cas, help him up the stairs inside the B&B. The woman at the counter smiled at them, giving Dean a key. Dean guided Cas further into the house, up some more stairs and into a cozy room.

“I’ll take a bath,” Castiel told him and then disappeared into the bathroom. Dean took a moment to sit down and breathe. For now he was out. He didn’t know what would happen now. Charlene was still out there, dozens of amazons were still out there. He pulled out Castiel’s mobile phone that he had pocketed before leaving the cabin. He checked the reception which was somewhat decent and then dialed the first number that came to his head. The answer was almost immediate.

“Cas! Are you alright?”

“Mom…” Mary gasped loudly and Dean couldn’t help the tears that started again. “Mom.”

“Baby, thank god! How are you, what happened?” she asked, her voice trying for soothing but it also came across the connection sounding a bit shaky. She didn’t urge him on when all he did was cry quietly for a while. After a long couple of minutes he finally took a deep breath.

“Madeline wanted me to kill Cas. But I couldn’t,” he said, then he shook his head. “I decided not to. Then Cas made Madeline shoot herself with his powers.”

“Really?” Mary asked breathlessly, “wow. I’m going to kiss that boy when you’re back.” Dean couldn’t help but laugh wetly at that. “How’s he doing?”

“I’m not sure. He was very calm and almost ruthless back in the cabin. But I think he’s done now, he’s exhausted. We’re both pretty shaken up, but at least my head’s clear again now. Cas is taking a bath and I wanted to take the moment to check in with you. Because, mom… I don’t know what’s going to happen now.”

“I think your grandma has it under control. You two just sit tight, try to recover for a moment.” Dean nodded to himself, but he didn’t know how to relax. He was sure that someone would come looking for Madeline when she didn’t check in with them. Charlene was his biggest worry. He didn’t think that Castiel would be willing to kill more. He would have to be vigilant.

“Okay, mom. I love you and I can’t wait to be back… home.” He smiled at that and closed his eyes after saying his good-bye. When Castiel came out of the bathroom, he found Dean spread out on the bed, not sleeping, just trying to calm his body. Castiel hesitated, Dean could see the uncertainly in his expression when he opened one eye. But then Castiel seemed to make up his mind and he climbed into bed too until he could rest his head on Dean’s chest.

They didn’t speak and Dean felt a sense of serenity spread inside him, with his fingers carding through Castiel’s hair and Castiel slowly falling asleep against him.

* * *

 

6 AM, sharp, time to rise.

Dean’s eyes snapped open and lay in bed, breathing irregularly. Confusion rolled through his body. Where were the bells? The room was still dark and there was a soft noise next to him.

“Charlie?” he asked, confused. The bed shifted and then a light was switched on and Castiel’s disheveled, scrunched up face came into view. Dean blinked at him in surprise.

“What’s wrong, Dean? It’s…” Castiel huffed and turned slightly. “It’s 6 in the morning.” The tension in Dean’s limbs slowly let up and he heaved a sigh. Castiel sat up, rubbing his eyes and then he walked into the bath room. The light clicked on and Dean could hear the tab running. He put his hands over his eyes, rubbing roughly. He wasn’t back there. He was here now, in this charming B&B with far too soft pillows. Madeline’s body was rotting in a cabin out in the woods. There was no danger.

Castiel came back with a glass of water that Dean graciously accepted.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Castiel asked and Dean shook his head. Castiel didn’t question his decision and checked his mobile phone. “Your grandmother will be here later today.” He looked down at Dean, his expression soft. “Do you want to get some more sleep?”

“Nah, I’m good. But how about we lay here for a while before getting breakfast?” he suggested and Castiel seemed to find that a good idea, because he lay back down. They weren’t touching now, not wrapped up in each other like when they went to sleep. Castiel had his hands folded on his stomach. Now with just a thin shirt the bump was pretty damn noticeable. Dean felt his throat close up.

“I almost ruined it.” He forced the words out. “Again.”

“Dean, you’ll have to be a bit less vague,” Castiel told him and Dean closed his eyes. “What do you mean?”

“I was close to killing you and with you the child,” he said. “I don’t understand why you’re even lying beside me. I came at you at a knife.”

“Don’t be foolish,” Castiel reprimanded. Castiel let his hands drop away from his stomach and then he rolled onto his side, so that he could look down at Dean. “I might not know you very well, Dean, and it might have been foolish to put my trust in you. But tell me, honestly. If I had just stood there or if I had tried to run, would you have come after me?” Dean looked up at him, his breathing speeding up slightly, anxious all of a sudden. “Would you have thrown me against the wall, so strong that my body would have already broken under the force? Would you then have taken that knife?” Castiel took Dean’s hand, holding on fast when Dean wanted to jerk away. Castiel guided his hand to his own throat, letting it slowly slip down. Dean’s fingers felt the pulse, the soft fabric of his shirt. Castiel made his hand go down his arm. “There. Would you have hacked off my hands? My feet?” He brushed his socked feet against Dean’s calf, making him shiver. “Would you have watched me lie on the ground, blood pumping out of me?” Castiel’s thumb brushed against the raised welts of the brand burned into Dean’s wrist. “And would you have carved this inside me? Cut open my shirt and branded me?”

“God, Cas…!” Dean moaned wretchedly. He pulled his hand free, then wrapped both of his arms around Cas, pulling him down towards his chest. “No…! No! From the moment she showed me your picture I knew I could never do it. I had no plan. Maybe I hoped to die in there. But Cas, no…”

“So… You didn’t ruin it.” Castiel pulled himself up a bit and then pressed his nose against Dean’s, softly tracing his skin, the wetness on Dean’s cheeks. His lips were searching, soft, brushing past Dean’s. “You chose me.” He gave him a soft kiss and Dean…  Fuck, Dean was crying like an idiot.

They were lying together like this until the morning light made the room look bright and friendly. Dean still felt tired all over, but facing the day didn’t seem too daunting anymore. He and Cas got dressed to get breakfast.

“What are you going to do now?” Dean wondered when they had loaded plates in front of them.

“I’d like to go home. The bunker is fine, but I don’t really want to accept the legacy of it. I’d be fine to close it again or hand the key to someone else,” he said. “Your grandfather seemed interested.” Dean had to laugh. Yeah, that seemed like him.

“He has always liked secret societies. He always claimed his dad was part of one,” Dean agreed and smiled at Cas. “So… uh. Seattle?” He tried not to sound too unhappy about the idea of being so far away.

“Yeah… I don’t know yet. I don’t feel particularly attached to it and I can do my work from anywhere. Besides, I’ll have to start over anyway, now that this baby entered the picture.” Dean’s face fell. Castiel watched him, his glass in his hand, chewing on his bread. Dean tried to hold his gaze. “How do you feel about it?”

“About what?”

“If I moved somewhere closer to you? I would probably need help if the child is an amazon.”

“That’d be… Great?” Castiel laughed and Dean frowned at him, feeling a blush spread across his cheeks. “It’d be awesome, Cas. I mean I don’t know yet how it would work or if we two would work as a couple, but we could at least try and see where it goes if we don’t live halfway across the country from each other.”

“Yes… I think so too,” Castiel said. Dean felt lighter around his heart and when his grandma came into the breakfast room, his relief almost floored him.

“Hey, bean,” Deanna said, wrapping him up into a strong hug. “I’m so glad you’re okay.” Her voice and her hands were soft, familiar. She took his hand into her own, looking at the mark, then she turned around her own arm, showing Dean the faint traces. He bit back a sob. “It’s okay. I’m sorry you had to go through this, but it’s over now. It’ll scar, but you’ll be fine.” She wiped his tears away, then she clapped him on the back. “And here’s Cas who saved the day,” she said. “I took care of her. They won’t find her,” she whispered when she hugged him. Dean saw Castiel tense but then he nodded. “I will never be able to pay you back for what you did for Dean, Cas… That was very brave of you.” Castiel shook his head. “I mean it, boy. You got us Dean back.”

“I wanted Dean back,” he said simply and while Dean blushed yet again, his grandmother laughed. “How did it go?”

“Yeah, what’s happening?” Dean wanted to know. Deanna sat down with them, ordering a coffee and some breakfast too. “How is Charlie?”

“Your little friend is alright. The girls in the school were confused about what happened and I’m sure it’s going to take them some time to come to terms with the changes. We got all the records of all the amazons in the States from Madeline’s office.”

“So what are you going to do?” Dean wanted to know.

“Talk, mostly,” Deanna said with a sigh. “Some of them won’t want to talk and I get that. But we’re going to make a new pledge to Harmonia, the old one, which you’ve found in the records, Cas.”

“So you’re going to be sheriff, grandma?” Deanna laughed but she nodded. Dean wondered how that must feel. For Deanna who had left decades ago, to return to that place.

“It’s time to take this into a new direction.”

“But what about… What about Charlene? And the women like her? Those who’ve been too brainwashed to stop killing for Harmonia.” Dean wanted to know. To his surprise Deanna grinned at her. “You can’t kill them!”

“I can’t, true! But I have friends,” she said ominously. “With guns.” Dean blinked at her in surprise, waiting for her to tell him she was joking. But she clearly wasn’t.

“Oh… Okay…” Deanna’s expression changed and she put her palm over Dean’s.

“Sweetheart. It’s over. You’ve got nothing to fear. It will never be like back then anymore. You can go be with Cas and have your baby. Or two or three. Whatever you want. Your life no longer has to be on hold.” Dean gave a jerky nod of his head, unsure what to say.

“I assume this has its own challenges,” Castiel said, “career choices for example. You will have to get a job, because I will make you pay alimony.” Both amazons looked towards Cas in surprise. He seemed to eye them a bit nervously when he had them stare at him. “I’m not joking?”

Dean burst out laughing.

“Dean, a child is expensive, especially if I also have to move now. And I don’t know what medical expenses will await me. Dr. Robert’s two minute consultation alone cost you 700 dollars.”

“Pragmatic. I like it,” Deanna commented and Dean reached across the table to take Castiel’s hand in his. The put upon expression on his face changed slightly and he looked at their connected hands with interest.

“Okay, Cas.” He gave his fingers a squeeze. “Okay.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You're almost at the end. Just a short epilogue left and we're done! ♥


	11. Chapter 11

**Epilogue**

 

The downpour drummed on Dean’s umbrella. His pants were a lost cause by now, sticking wetly to his shins. He was feeling tense all over, breathless already. He waited at the cross-road, nervously tapping his good shoes – his dad’s birthday gift for reaching his “sweet 16” – soaked through now as well. The light switched from red to green and Dean hurried across it, jogging to the bus stop and just catching the bus in time. He closed his umbrella and tried to push through the too warm mass of people, all adding to the suffocating smell and the fogging up of the windows. The blurry shapes of houses and lights passed by the window and he gave himself a moment to breathe, wipe his forehead on the damp sleeve of his jacket. The bus stuttered to a stop, people got out, hardly anyone came in, and Dean’s phone vibrated. He pulled it out, swiping the screen to read it.

“Don’t mess up.  
\- Lydia”

Dean grit his teeth, feeling his heart beat pick up. Another stop. They were out of the town now, driving out into the suburbs. Dean’s eyes darted over the wrist holding on to the railing. The raised lines were pink now, blending in with his skin easier. But it seemed to burn today. Another stop. Dean squared his shoulders and got off at the next. He stood under the roof of the bus stop for a moment, breathing in and out. Then he opened his umbrella and stepped back out into the rain. It took him about five minutes of walking before the house came into view. The light was on, the fairy light attached to the porch roof glittering invitingly. Dean walked up the path, toeing toys out of the way. He went up the stairs and closed the umbrella. He took one last deep breath, then he rang the doorbell. There was a squeal coming from the other side of the door and some other noise. There was a click at the door and then it opened.

“Daddy!” The little monster attached herself to his legs, uncaring of how wet they were, and slung her arms around his middle. With surprising dexterity and dedication she climbed up until she had her legs wrapped around his middle and her face pressed to his chest, his tie sticking to her face.

He walked into the house, closing the door behind him.

“Hey baby, missed you,” he said and pressed kissed all over her freckled face. “Cas?” He called into the house and let the kid down when she started squirming.

“I’m in here,” Castiel called and Dean followed the voice into the kitchen. He found him bending over his iPad, scrolling through it while a pot was bubbling on the stove. He wiped his hands on his shirt even though he was wearing the apron Sam had given him for his birthday. Castiel looked up after a while and smiled at Dean. Dean’s heart leapt to his throat, beating rapidly both in anxiety and delight. Castiel’s gaze swept over Dean and he frowned.

“You’re drenched.”

“Yeah… Yes, I…” Dean fidgeted, lifting his arms helplessly. This kinda put a damper on his plans. His best suit looked bad now. “It rains?”

“I noticed,” Castiel said with a laugh. “You should have seen Emma, she threw a tantrum when we had to leave the playground.” Dean rolled his eyes fondly, forgetting about his nerves for a while. The girl grinned up at him, then she slid down his body to toddle away. Castiel checked the pots. “Why don’t you get changed? I think the potatoes are almost done.”

“Daddy!” Emma called and he looked at her. She was standing in the entrance hall, her hand pointing to the small window that was next to the door, paper butterflies sticking to the glass. Emma was jumping from one foot to the other and Dean stepped out of the kitchen just in time to see the headlights of a car drive up next to the Impala.

“Hm. Was that a car?” Castiel asked but the question was unnecessary as a second later the doorbell rang. Castiel came out of the kitchen too and took in the smile on Dean’s face with a suspicious look. “Dean?” Emma opened the door again, bringing Charlie into view.

“Miss Bradbury!” Dean called and wrapped the girl into a hug. “How are your folks?”

“Great!” she said and closed the door behind her. Emma did her usual greeting that involved climbing and then she immediately got her hand into the bag Charlie was carrying with her, pulling out the DVD that Charlie always brought for babysitting sessions.

“Dean, what’s going on here?” Castiel asked and while he was still smiling there was a hint of irritation below the surface. Charlie pinched his side when he was getting anxious. Both Charlie and Emma could of course feel when he was fretting. Dean walked up to Castiel and put his hands on his shoulders.

“I… uh… Remember that I told you a while ago that we should ask Charlie to babysit so that we could go on a date and you said ‘sure, Dean’?” Castiel narrowed his eyes but there was a twitch at the corner of his lips. “So uh… Surprise?”

“Is that why you were wearing your good suit?”

“You noticed?”

“Of course I notice,” Castiel said with a fond roll of his eyes. “Well… I better go get dressed.” Dean was lucky that Castiel indulged him so often. At least now. Would he have tried to win Castiel over for an impromptu date back when they were still trying to figure out if they even wanted to be a couple, he would have closed the door in his face.

He stood in the entrance hall somewhat at a loss, but there was his daughter to demand his attention, so he focused on her.

“Did she grow again?” Charlie asked when Dean was bouncing her on his knees, the baby still totally uncaring about his pants being damp.

“Nah. Not more than children are supposed to grow if the pediatric is to be trusted,” Dean assured her and Charlie gave a short nod. “I’m glad that she’s no amazon, I mean… not really.”

“Poor bean, never gonna get matching tattoos with her daddy,” Charlie said and Dean tried to laugh with her, even though the topic made his stomach tie up in knots. They didn’t get to say much more, because Castiel came down the stairs then, wearing black slacks, a white shirt and even a tie. He put his baggy trench-coat on and lifted his eyebrow at Dean.

“I assume Charlie was already briefed and I’ve just got to get in the car?” Castiel asked. Dean got up and flashed Charlie a look which probably projected all the anxiety he was feeling right now, but she gave him a thumbs up. Or maybe she gave Cas a thumbs up, but Dean kissed Emma’s forehead and then put her into her playpen.

“Okay, babe, let’s go,” he said and opened the door for Cas.

“You make it sound like I’m forcing you to go,” Castiel said with a chuckle and opened the umbrella for them. They sprinted to the Impala and Dean gave her the same fussy look-over that he always did when he entrusted her to Cas for the day. Castiel suffered through the inspection with his usual silence.

“Okay,” Dean said and then he started the motor. The drive didn’t take particularly long, but it felt endless to drive through the falling darkness, the rain picking up again. Dean drummed his fingers on the wheel and Castiel was kind enough not to point it out.

They arrived at Dean’s chosen date location, it was a restaurant that wasn’t anything special, but it was where they had their first proper date. It was where Dean asked him to become his boyfriend. It was where Castiel had asked Dean to officially move in with him shortly after Emma’s birth. It seemed right to come here for this. Dean knew he had made the right decision when Castiel’s eyes lit up in excitement. They got out of the car, not bothering with the umbrella this time.

“Dean,” he said but Dean just smiled and put his hand on Castiel’s back, guiding him to the door.

“This is not our celebration restaurant,” Castiel said once they were seated. He looked away from Dean, surprised when the waitress lit the candle for them, brought them drinks and starters but no menus. He recovered quickly and turned to look back at Dean. “So you’re not going to tell me about a promotion at work.”

“Nope,” Dean told him and then they ate. Castiel still had that small, knowing smile on his lips that seemed to take all the fear out of Dean. Castiel talked about his day with Emma, the lunch date he’d had with Henry who had gladly taken over the task of curating the bunker, and the new book he was editing for Shurley Publishing. Their dinner continued, with Dean’s chosen menu being brought out to them. Dean could say that once they had dessert on their plates (a simple pie) that Castiel was getting a bit jittery.

“Dean, please,” he said and it was almost a whine, so Dean gave up, laughing. He reached into his jacket and put the small black box on the table. Castiel’s entire face lit up with a mix of relief and excitement. He grabbed Dean’s hand, giving his fingers a squeeze. “Don’t get on the floor, just ask me now.” Dean’s loud laugh drew the attention of some people but Dean didn’t even care at this point. Castiel’s fingers were brushing against the raised mark on his wrist, gently, encouragingly. So Dean opened the box for Castiel, as elegantly as he could with only one hand, presenting the ring to Castiel. It was a simple gold band, no fancy stones or engravings.

“Castiel Novak,” he said and smiled up at Castiel, “do you want to marry me?”

“Yes, Dean,” Castiel answered firmly and let Dean put the ring on his finger. He admired it for a while, then he gave Dean’s hand a tug and pulled him in for a kiss.

“What, no tears for me?” Dean asked against his fiancé’s soft lips. He felt like his own chest was filled to bursting with joy and he wondered why he had ever been scared. Fuck Lydia and her stupid “don’t mess up”. How could he possibly mess up when Castiel loved him as much as he did.

“I thought that you were going to propose soon,” Castiel confessed. Dean looked at him in surprise.

“What gave me away?”

“I don’t think anything did. But I felt that we were both ready for it. You finished your masters, have a job, we live together, Emma’s growing well? It just felt…” Castiel tilted his head to the side, thinking. “Ready. The time was good.” Dean smiled, brushing his thumb over the back of Castiel’s hand.

“I’m happy you think so too.”

“I have a small surprise for you too,” Castiel said.

“You’re pregnant,” Dean said in fake surprise and Castiel slapped his upper arm. “We could change that you know? The mating cycle’s starting next weekend. We have a two week window of opportunity.” Castiel rolled his eyes.

“Anyway,” he said without giving Dean an answer other than squeezing his hand again. “It was hard hiding this from you until now. It’s nothing big just symbolic.” That made Dean look at him in wonder. Castiel pulled his hand out of Dean’s and slowly turned it around. He pulled up his shirt sleeve a bit and Dean could see a bandage around his wrist.

“What-“

“I’m not hurt,” Castiel calmed him at once, then he pulled the sleeve up some more and carefully pulled the bandage off. Dean’s breath hitched in his throat. Bold black lines and circles curved around his wrist, a perfect artistic rendering of the scar marring Dean’s skin. “I can never be truly the same as you, but I wanted you to know that I’m with you, to carry the burden and to share the joys.” Dean was speechless, his throat closed off with emotion. He put his palm over Castiel’s tattoo, feeling the warmth and the steady heart-beat. He felt the magic in Cas, friendly and protective.

“Damn, and now I’m the one who’s crying,” Dean said with a small laugh, wiping his eyes with his free hand. “This engagement is starting well.”

“It is. I hope there will be more happy tears in our marriage,” Castiel said and Dean laughed.

“Yeah… Yeah, come on, let’s get out of here and celebrate. I’ve booked us a hotel room,” Dean said and Castiel didn’t need to be told twice. Dean wrapped his arm around Castiel and they walked out into the rain, Castiel flicking open the umbrella to raise it above their heads.

 

END

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we are. I hope you enjoyed this journey. Thank you so much for reading and I would love to hear what you thought about it! ♥


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